DEAR ABBY: I am 57. Two years ago, I married a widower with four grown children. This is my second marriage. We moved to Louisville when my husband accepted a lucrative job here.

My dilemma is his four children. Three of them have spouses. Approximately every six weeks, all seven of them visit for a three-day weekend. Abby, they are wearing me out from cooking (none of the girls cook), picking up after them and doing mounds of laundry. After they leave, it takes me three days to clean up the house and recover.

I love my husband and have told him that I just can't do it anymore. He is upset with me and makes me feel like I am keeping him from his children. I have offered to host Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, which is all I can handle. I'm at the point that I dread the holidays.

I have two children of my own and two grandchildren. I love to see them, but not every six weeks! I visit -- or they visit -- every three to four months, which is enough for me.

Abby, please tell me how to handle the situation without being the "wicked stepmother." -- OVERWHELMED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR OVERWHELMED: It is unfair for your husband to expect you to be cook and housemaid for houseguests that frequently. In order to lighten the burden on you, your husband should agree to hire part-time help during the weekends when his children descend upon you, so you'll have the time and energy to enjoy their company, too.

An alternative might be for you and your husband to visit his children on alternating holidays.

You deserve a break once in a while; consider planning an occasional weekend with friends to coincide with his children's visits.

DEAR ABBY: I am now in my third year of marriage to my husband. We have a daughter who is a year old. Unfortunately, it has become painfully clear that we do not have even one interest in common. My husband could survive to the end of his days with a bed, a computer, a television and a VCR.

I have accepted the fact that this man will never take the world by storm because of his complete lack of ambition. What I can no longer accept is that he has no respect for anyone. He seems to lack a fundamental concern, compassion and respect for other human beings. On top of this, he is sneaky. His work ethic is low, and he categorizes people who enjoy their work as "workaholics who work and one day die." He lacks passion, has no hobbies outside of TV and computers, and could not be less enthused about life.

During the holidays, my mom kills herself to lay out a spread that makes the Ritz pale by comparison, and each year my husband shows up in jeans and a sweatshirt. When I ask him each year to please pack something nice, he gets an attitude. The kicker is that she tries hard each time he is coming to prepare the things he likes. He treats his own mother the same way. She laughs it off and seems to take his lack of manners in stride.

Is there any hope of changing someone who doesn't care what others think of him, or what his actions do in regard to other people's feelings? -- STUMPED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR STUMPED: Sorry -- you are fighting a losing battle. There is no way to help someone who is not willing to help himself. But if any of my readers have managed to "raise the dead," I'll pass along their input.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband is national sales manager for a company that participates in frequent out-of-town trade shows. These events are held in luxurious hotels and involve entertaining clients in posh restaurants.

Lately, he has been inviting his secretary, who is half his age (and mine), to these shows -- even though she is not in sales and has no role there other than being agreeable to customers. That was formerly my role, but I seem to have been replaced.

Although she has women friends in the company, she regularly has lunch with my husband unless he is otherwise engaged. They share a small office where they chat about much besides business, including our personal life. Opinions I have confided in him get back to me through her other acquaintances.

I think that the relationship has passed from professional into intimate, but my husband says I'm crazy. He thinks only a sexual relationship is "intimate," but I think emotional intimacy often evolves into a sexual relationship, and an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Do you think I'm wrong? -- FEELING REPLACED IN ATLANTA

DEAR FEELING REPLACED: I think you are 100 percent right, and if your husband's secretary is accompanying him on business trips and assuming the role you once played, it may already have crossed the line. I have often said that the most erotic organ in the human body is the human ear -- and if he's filling hers with intimate details about your marriage, that in itself is a betrayal.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for printing my letter about having been thanked for my service in the war, and for your supportive comments. It was reassuring to read them, for I was a bit concerned after writing to you -- it was such an impulsive act.

I had intended to send the letter to my local newspaper, but then I thought that if this gesture of thanks meant so much to me, it might be of comfort to veterans nationwide. The same day that the letter appeared in your column, I received two telephone calls from the East Coast!

Several letters and calls of thanks have been received since. The thought that many other persons may have read the letter and then taken the time to thank a veteran has been most rewarding.

I intend to respond to everyone who has contacted me. Abby, I believe that you and I have touched the heart and conscience of this nation. On behalf of those veterans whose services have been recognized, I thank you again. -- OSCAR ORTIZ, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR OSCAR: I, too, believe your letter touched the heart and conscience of this nation. Since your letter appeared in my column, I have received many dozens of letters from veterans who have been thanked for their service to our country -- and the letters are still pouring in. They touched MY heart, each and every one!

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'CUTTING A FEW CORNERS' IN COLUMBIA, MD.: I'd advise against it. The saddest day in the life of a man is when he's sure he's discovered a way to make money without working for it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family is having problems with my brother's wife. They have been married about eight years, and my brother seems like a different person today.

Before marrying, "Eric" was a nice and compliant person. When the family got together on something, he would always participate. Our mother was particularly fond of Eric, as he would accompany her to concerts or church since my father did not like to go to these events. Eric never argued or spoke up to any of us, but now he has an opinion on everything and lets it be known. He used to always put his family first, but now he favors his wife and children.

Eric has told us that he has been seeing a counselor for a long time. He has invited all of us to join him, but we don't believe in that sort of thing. We all know Eric would have never started seeing a counselor if it weren't for his wife. Our parents are especially devastated that Eric has changed so much.

What can we do to stop his wife and get our old Eric back? -- HANK IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR HANK: There is nothing you can do. And please don't blame Eric's wife for the change in his personality. She could only encourage her husband to seek counseling. The rest was up to him.

Face it, Eric has slipped his chain. Perhaps he has taken to heart what he learned in counseling and is, in fact, doing very well. Once passive "people pleasers" learn to assert themselves, it's unlikely that they will go back to being the way they were. The rest of you will have to adjust.

DEAR ABBY: We buried my uncle yesterday, and several people said to my aunt, "I'll stop by and see you soon." I know how easy it is to make such promises when caught up in the moment, and I hope at least a couple of those people follow through.

I live 75 miles away and can't spend as much time with my aunt as I'd like. They used to have a very active social life, but as dementia took the sparkle from their conversations, my aunt and uncle were relegated more and more to the company of the health aides who have cared for them around the clock. Few of their old friends drop in.

I know it is difficult for people to make time, especially for less pleasant things like a conversation with someone who isn't the same scintillating person they used to know. But it is so good for the person to continue to have interaction with others, and it's just plain cheering to see a different face for a few minutes.

I don't want to preach, but I hope my letter will inspire a few people to spend half an hour with friends or relatives who could use a bright spot in their day. Even if their minds don't remember it, their hearts will. -- NIECE IN TROY, N.Y.

DEAR NIECE: You have written an eloquent letter. When people age, their friends begin to die and their list of social contacts grows shorter. It then becomes the responsibility of nuclear and extended family to make sure older people don't become completely isolated.

There are many ways to entertain older people who suffer from age-related memory loss: preparing and bringing over a favorite meal or dish, a cassette of music from their generation that might lift the spirits and stimulate the memory, a short drive in a familiar neighborhood.

A companion pet can provide a special kind of love, not to mention entertainment. However, one should not be given unless the giver is absolutely sure it can be properly cared for and looked after.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)