DEAR ABBY: My family is having problems with my brother's wife. They have been married about eight years, and my brother seems like a different person today.

Before marrying, "Eric" was a nice and compliant person. When the family got together on something, he would always participate. Our mother was particularly fond of Eric, as he would accompany her to concerts or church since my father did not like to go to these events. Eric never argued or spoke up to any of us, but now he has an opinion on everything and lets it be known. He used to always put his family first, but now he favors his wife and children.

Eric has told us that he has been seeing a counselor for a long time. He has invited all of us to join him, but we don't believe in that sort of thing. We all know Eric would have never started seeing a counselor if it weren't for his wife. Our parents are especially devastated that Eric has changed so much.

What can we do to stop his wife and get our old Eric back? -- HANK IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR HANK: There is nothing you can do. And please don't blame Eric's wife for the change in his personality. She could only encourage her husband to seek counseling. The rest was up to him.

Face it, Eric has slipped his chain. Perhaps he has taken to heart what he learned in counseling and is, in fact, doing very well. Once passive "people pleasers" learn to assert themselves, it's unlikely that they will go back to being the way they were. The rest of you will have to adjust.

DEAR ABBY: We buried my uncle yesterday, and several people said to my aunt, "I'll stop by and see you soon." I know how easy it is to make such promises when caught up in the moment, and I hope at least a couple of those people follow through.

I live 75 miles away and can't spend as much time with my aunt as I'd like. They used to have a very active social life, but as dementia took the sparkle from their conversations, my aunt and uncle were relegated more and more to the company of the health aides who have cared for them around the clock. Few of their old friends drop in.

I know it is difficult for people to make time, especially for less pleasant things like a conversation with someone who isn't the same scintillating person they used to know. But it is so good for the person to continue to have interaction with others, and it's just plain cheering to see a different face for a few minutes.

I don't want to preach, but I hope my letter will inspire a few people to spend half an hour with friends or relatives who could use a bright spot in their day. Even if their minds don't remember it, their hearts will. -- NIECE IN TROY, N.Y.

DEAR NIECE: You have written an eloquent letter. When people age, their friends begin to die and their list of social contacts grows shorter. It then becomes the responsibility of nuclear and extended family to make sure older people don't become completely isolated.

There are many ways to entertain older people who suffer from age-related memory loss: preparing and bringing over a favorite meal or dish, a cassette of music from their generation that might lift the spirits and stimulate the memory, a short drive in a familiar neighborhood.

A companion pet can provide a special kind of love, not to mention entertainment. However, one should not be given unless the giver is absolutely sure it can be properly cared for and looked after.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a concerned parent. My daughter's best friend here in California has been writing and receiving mail from a prisoner in San Quentin. She is 14, and the young man she's corresponding with is 17. Worse yet, she wants to marry him. She had him living with her for two weeks last November when he got out of prison.

My husband learned the young man was breaking probation, and he was sent back to prison. How do you deal with teen-aged girls writing and visiting men in prison? -- CONCERNED PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: Were I the girl's parent, I would have notified the warden at San Quentin that one of his "guests" was corresponding with an underage girl and I wanted it stopped! Frankly, I am shocked that the parents of your daughter's friend would allow such a living arrangement. A 14-year-old girl is too easily manipulated. Read on for a letter from a woman who was older -- and should have been wiser:

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago I began seeing a man who seemed to be the most caring, generous person. The relationship moved quickly, and we began to discuss moving in together. Friends expressed concern about the speed of events, but I felt it was love at first sight. This in itself was exciting, as I have always been a bit overweight and this nice-looking man was showing a great deal of interest in me.

A few things kept this from being absolutely perfect: He owned few possessions other than clothes, he was living with a relative at no cost, he didn't own a vehicle, he was having to spend quite a bit of time in court, and he drank a bit more than I normally felt comfortable with. He attributed all of this to his ex-fiance, who, he explained, had set him up on false charges. (I had offered to accompany him to court for moral support, but he didn't want me exposed to this "vicious woman.")

I believed him because what would this sweet man possibly have done to deserve any of what he had gone through? It also would have meant that I wasn't as desirable as I had been feeling lately.

Had someone told me what I heard for myself, I would never have believed him capable of such ruthlessness. One evening, I overheard him tell a "bar buddy" that he was looking at some serious jail time, and he needed someone to make deposits into his jail account and to visit him. He also commented that he didn't have a lot of time and he couldn't be as selective as he would like. I was devastated -- for what did that say about me?

I have been blessed with some very understanding friends and a great counselor. Let me share with you what I have found:

1. It says NOTHING about me. It says HE was a creep, the kind few of us can relate to or comprehend.

2. Quick involvement is a red flag for potential problems -- possibly even abuse.

3. Anyone can file a complaint against someone, but the police have to have a good reason to arrest someone on that complaint. With the person's name and birthdate, you can get information concerning that person's arrest record and, in most non-felony cases, you may even be able to get a police report. (I discovered that two of the incidents occurred while we were seeing each other, and one he even admitted to the police.)

This man chose me because of my lack of self-esteem. The most important thing people -- especially women -- need to work toward is knowing what we are worth and not accepting less. It will make us far less vulnerable to con men such as the one with whom I was involved. -- NICK OF TIME IN DENVER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a different kind of problem for you. My husband, "Bill," is a smoker, and I'm a nonsmoker. He knows that his habit is bad for him and has expressed his desire to quit on countless occasions. He has tried to quit a few times without success.

Here's my problem. My mother-in-law, "Mary" (also a smoker), gives Bill packs of cigarettes as gifts. I told Bill long ago that I understand his addiction (I used to smoke years ago), but that he should never ask me to buy cigarettes for him because I cannot in good conscience assist him in destroying his health.

I know that Mary is a grown woman and it is not my place to tell her what she can and cannot do for her only son, but I want to scream every time I see her handing Bill a pack of cigarettes and saying, "Here, Sweetie, I got these for you." I feel like I'm watching someone slowly kill him.

Yes, I realize that the ultimate responsibility lies with Bill because he's the one who lights the cigarettes and inhales the smoke, but what mental deficiency must Mary have to, in effect, kill her own son? Is there anything I can do to get her to stop giving him cigarettes? Bill would never ask her to stop because his take on the situation is that he's going to smoke anyway -- and cigarettes are expensive -- so she's doing us both a favor and saving us some money.

By the way, Mary is a serious control freak, and the last time Bill and I attempted to speak with her about something that was very important, she didn't speak to us for a year, which hurt Bill immeasurably. I don't want to have to deal with that again. Can you help? -- FRUSTRATED NONSMOKER IN L.A.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: It is hard to imagine parents doing something that is harmful to their children -- but every now and then we hear about ignorant people who feed alcohol to a small child, or minimize illicit drug use in teen-agers when they should be helping and educating them.

Bill's mother is a classic enabler. And your husband has somehow confused her feeding his addiction with showing love for him. Both of them are to be pitied.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I -- or you -- can do to help Bill overcome his addiction to tobacco. Only he can do that. And the first step is admitting he has an addiction he cannot control and seeking help from his doctor. There are medications available today that can help people overcome their nicotine addiction and ease the withdrawal for those who cannot face going "cold turkey." However, they are available by prescription only.

Unfortunately, there is no medication that can cure what is wrong with Bill's mother.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has a terrible habit -- she continually chews and cracks her gum. Abby, this is a professional office, not a truck stop. Not only does she look like a cow that's chewing her cud, the sound is extremely annoying. How can we get her to stop without offending her? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN SHERWOOD, ARK.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: If the gum-cracker is not aware that she is offending others, you or one of her other co-workers should tell her privately in a friendly way. If she is aware and doesn't care, her supervisor should be told.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)