DEAR ABBY: I have been in contact with my high school sweetheart for almost a year. We are both 32, and it has been 14 years since we've seen each other. My best friend looked him up for me and he begged her to send me his e-mail address. We are both engaged to other people.

His girlfriend is 10 years younger than we are, but we are still in love and find each other very attractive.

At first, he wanted to see me very badly. But when the date for our meeting approached, he seemed to forget about it. However, he continues to write, and gives me subtle messages that he may still love me.

About three weeks ago he brought up meeting again and began calling. He said he had done enough damage to our relationship and he was serious about getting together this time, but when I asked him to make real plans and set a date, he ignored me. He just sent jokes and letters about what's going on with his ex-wife.

What can I do to make him go through with his plans this time? I think he's scared or just a jerk. Frankly, I'm getting fed up. Should I just stop writing? -- OUT OF PATIENCE, SANGER, TEXAS

DEAR OUT: If your former high school sweetheart were interested in anything more than e-mails, you would have seen him by now. It's time to log off the Internet and concentrate on your flesh-and-blood fiance -- because if he gets wind of this flirtation, he'll feel very betrayed. And he'll be right!

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about obscene phone calls, I thought you might be interested in the one I received the summer of my surgery. When I answered the phone I heard heavy breathing. Then someone with a deep voice said, "I've been watching ... I've been watching you getting undressed every night."

I started to laugh because I knew it couldn't be true. I was in a body cast from underarms to hips -- and confined to bed for four months! The caller then asked, "What's so funny?"

I said: "You'd better get glasses; I'm in a body cast."

There was no comment after that, just silence on the other end of the phone. That was the end of my one and only obscene call. -- STILL AMUSED IN CANADA

DEAR STILL AMUSED: Although few people would welcome a call from a self-identified Peeping Tom, you appear to have handled yours quite well. Thank heaven for caller ID, the feature that makes it difficult for obscene callers to get through without exposing themselves, and for call-blocking, which cuts them off entirely.

DEAR ABBY: Some friends of ours had a good solution for the folks who had "Mr. Uninvited" show up unexpectedly for dinner. They had a problem with a couple who regularly arrived just in time for dinner.

After dinner was over, they calmly put their plates down on the floor and let the dogs lick them completely clean. Then, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, they picked up the plates and put them away in the cupboard! The uninvited guests never showed up around dinner time again.

Cleanliness is next to dogliness. -- ELIOT FROM PORTLAND

DEAR ELIOT: Cleanliness may be next to dogliness, but I'm praying that yours was a shaggy dog story. If it's not, there's no telling what you've unleashed.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You have helped so many people, I hope you can help me. I have been married more than 20 years, and we have two lovely daughters. Everything was fine until my wife started to work as a secretary for a bank branch manager.

When I found out they had been having an affair for nearly two years, it crushed me. I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce, and she said, "No." I didn't either for the sake of the children and, strange as it sounds, I still loved her.

She agreed to quit working there, and about the same time the branch manager got transferred to a branch in another city, so I thought everything was all right.

She then took a job as a secretary to an attorney in a law firm. I became suspicious when I would call her at the office at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and was told, "She and Mr. 'Jones' went to lunch and then to see a client to take a deposition."

A private detective discovered that the "deposition" was taking place in a motel! When I confronted her, she admitted that she and her boss were having an affair.

We saw a counselor and our pastor, but my wife insisted it was no big deal and everyone was doing it. She still doesn't want a divorce and assured me it was over as far as her cheating goes.

She now works in an office with only women, so I'm hopeful her cheating is a thing of the past.

Abby, how do I cope with the second infidelity, since it, too, lasted more than a year? I want to save our marriage because of the kids. I saw a psychiatrist, but he didn't help much. Any advice, Abby? I'm really hurting. -- CAN'T FORGET IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CAN'T FORGET: I respect you for wanting to save your marriage for the sake of the children, but one person can't do it alone. A successful marriage takes the effort of two people working together.

I also admire the fact that you sought professional help in order to put these traumas behind you. However, I am troubled by your wife's attempt to excuse her infidelity by claiming, "It's no big deal and everyone is doing it." That is far from the truth, and a lame excuse at best.

If the marriage is to be healed, your wife must agree to marriage counseling to work on the issues that caused the infidelities in the first place. You have done everything you can; now the ball is in her court.

DEAR ABBY: I was always taught that when a girl marries, she drops her middle name and her last name, and then becomes: her first name, maiden name, married name.

My daughter is being married soon, and she tells me that her friends say I am wrong. She says she has been told that the girl's name would be: first name, middle name, married name.

Would you please settle this argument for us? Thank you. -- SHIRLEY B., ROSWELL, N.M.

DEAR SHIRLEY B.: According to "The New Emily Post's Etiquette," by Elizabeth L. Post (Funk and Wagnalls, New York): "A woman's legal name consists of her given name, her maiden name and her husband's name."

However, time marches on, and during the last 15 years or so, many women have chosen to hyphenate their maiden names and married names: given name, middle name, maiden name-married name (Mary Margaret Jones-Smith).

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My late wife and I were married for more than 60 years. My reason for writing is to express how shocking it is to find many friends and relatives have given me the cold shoulder since my wife's funeral. I cannot understand why.

The isolation and sense of loss at a time of life when one needs support and encouragement have been hard to cope with. The funeral expenses and the need to curb my activities because of the decrease in income are heavy enough changes to absorb, but the rejection by people I thought were friends hits even harder.

Is there a specific reason for these cold shoulders and lack of phone calls -- just when the opposite is needed? Several of these previous "friends" are strong church attendees.

I served my country in World War II and was wounded twice. During my years of service, I never met any servicemen who turned their backs on me. -- HURTING IN LAKE FOREST, CALIF.

DEAR HURTING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife. I'm sure the loss is compounded by the isolation you are now feeling. However, since I do not know the friends and relatives you mention, I cannot guess at the reason they have dropped away just when you need them most.

In the same batch of letters as yours, I received another that touches on the same subject. I think you'll find it informative. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my dear husband, who died very suddenly. The grief following such a tragedy is indescribable. My salvation has been to keep busy and to join a grief support group.

The reason I am writing to you is to urge anyone who has suffered a devastating loss to find a grief support group and join. The first meeting or two is very hard, but stick with it and you will find solace in the friendships and the sharing of your feelings. It was stated at one of our meetings that "We are a group of people who belong to a very exclusive club that no one wanted to join, but each of us paid the dearest price on Earth to join." All of us in this group agree that the best medicine for our grief is our weekly meetings.

I encourage all people who are grieving to find a grief support group. Ours was formed by a coalition of churches. Following the death of my husband, the mortuary, the hospital and my church all told me of grief groups. They are out there, and you don't have to look too far to find them. -- GRIEVING BUT SURVIVING IN EDINA, MINN.

DEAR GRIEVING BUT SURVIVING: Thank you for a timely letter filled with excellent advice for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. You may never know how many people you have helped today by providing such a detailed road map for where to go for help in coping with the loss of a loved one. Often just being in the company of those who are coping with the same experience can be a lifesaver.

WORTH PONDERING: "It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely." -- LEO F. BUSCAGLIA (1924-1998)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)