DEAR ABBY: You have helped so many people, I hope you can help me. I have been married more than 20 years, and we have two lovely daughters. Everything was fine until my wife started to work as a secretary for a bank branch manager.

When I found out they had been having an affair for nearly two years, it crushed me. I asked my wife if she wanted a divorce, and she said, "No." I didn't either for the sake of the children and, strange as it sounds, I still loved her.

She agreed to quit working there, and about the same time the branch manager got transferred to a branch in another city, so I thought everything was all right.

She then took a job as a secretary to an attorney in a law firm. I became suspicious when I would call her at the office at 2 or 3 in the afternoon and was told, "She and Mr. 'Jones' went to lunch and then to see a client to take a deposition."

A private detective discovered that the "deposition" was taking place in a motel! When I confronted her, she admitted that she and her boss were having an affair.

We saw a counselor and our pastor, but my wife insisted it was no big deal and everyone was doing it. She still doesn't want a divorce and assured me it was over as far as her cheating goes.

She now works in an office with only women, so I'm hopeful her cheating is a thing of the past.

Abby, how do I cope with the second infidelity, since it, too, lasted more than a year? I want to save our marriage because of the kids. I saw a psychiatrist, but he didn't help much. Any advice, Abby? I'm really hurting. -- CAN'T FORGET IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CAN'T FORGET: I respect you for wanting to save your marriage for the sake of the children, but one person can't do it alone. A successful marriage takes the effort of two people working together.

I also admire the fact that you sought professional help in order to put these traumas behind you. However, I am troubled by your wife's attempt to excuse her infidelity by claiming, "It's no big deal and everyone is doing it." That is far from the truth, and a lame excuse at best.

If the marriage is to be healed, your wife must agree to marriage counseling to work on the issues that caused the infidelities in the first place. You have done everything you can; now the ball is in her court.

DEAR ABBY: I was always taught that when a girl marries, she drops her middle name and her last name, and then becomes: her first name, maiden name, married name.

My daughter is being married soon, and she tells me that her friends say I am wrong. She says she has been told that the girl's name would be: first name, middle name, married name.

Would you please settle this argument for us? Thank you. -- SHIRLEY B., ROSWELL, N.M.

DEAR SHIRLEY B.: According to "The New Emily Post's Etiquette," by Elizabeth L. Post (Funk and Wagnalls, New York): "A woman's legal name consists of her given name, her maiden name and her husband's name."

However, time marches on, and during the last 15 years or so, many women have chosen to hyphenate their maiden names and married names: given name, middle name, maiden name-married name (Mary Margaret Jones-Smith).

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My late wife and I were married for more than 60 years. My reason for writing is to express how shocking it is to find many friends and relatives have given me the cold shoulder since my wife's funeral. I cannot understand why.

The isolation and sense of loss at a time of life when one needs support and encouragement have been hard to cope with. The funeral expenses and the need to curb my activities because of the decrease in income are heavy enough changes to absorb, but the rejection by people I thought were friends hits even harder.

Is there a specific reason for these cold shoulders and lack of phone calls -- just when the opposite is needed? Several of these previous "friends" are strong church attendees.

I served my country in World War II and was wounded twice. During my years of service, I never met any servicemen who turned their backs on me. -- HURTING IN LAKE FOREST, CALIF.

DEAR HURTING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved wife. I'm sure the loss is compounded by the isolation you are now feeling. However, since I do not know the friends and relatives you mention, I cannot guess at the reason they have dropped away just when you need them most.

In the same batch of letters as yours, I received another that touches on the same subject. I think you'll find it informative. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I recently lost my dear husband, who died very suddenly. The grief following such a tragedy is indescribable. My salvation has been to keep busy and to join a grief support group.

The reason I am writing to you is to urge anyone who has suffered a devastating loss to find a grief support group and join. The first meeting or two is very hard, but stick with it and you will find solace in the friendships and the sharing of your feelings. It was stated at one of our meetings that "We are a group of people who belong to a very exclusive club that no one wanted to join, but each of us paid the dearest price on Earth to join." All of us in this group agree that the best medicine for our grief is our weekly meetings.

I encourage all people who are grieving to find a grief support group. Ours was formed by a coalition of churches. Following the death of my husband, the mortuary, the hospital and my church all told me of grief groups. They are out there, and you don't have to look too far to find them. -- GRIEVING BUT SURVIVING IN EDINA, MINN.

DEAR GRIEVING BUT SURVIVING: Thank you for a timely letter filled with excellent advice for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. You may never know how many people you have helped today by providing such a detailed road map for where to go for help in coping with the loss of a loved one. Often just being in the company of those who are coping with the same experience can be a lifesaver.

WORTH PONDERING: "It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely." -- LEO F. BUSCAGLIA (1924-1998)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: There is an explosion of computer-related activities in the photo industry. Between digital cameras, photo restorations and putting pictures onto CDs, business is good.

The downside is the public's lack of important information about printing pictures on their computers. Most of the customers I talk with don't realize that these are not photographs. They are simply ink printed on paper and will fade rapidly. (This includes the paper designed for computer photos.)

What sets real photographs apart is the fact that they go through developer, bleach-fix and stabilizer. This assures that your memories will be around to be handed down to your children, and their children.

Another problem is: Computers crash, and you can lose images forever. Memories of your wedding, children, family gatherings and vacations are priceless. So always shoot some film, or have negatives made from PC photos. We try to educate our customers, but more needs to be done to let the general public know this.

As a professional photographer, and as a dad, I know how important it is for photographs to last for generations. -- THOMAS S. ROBERTSON, PRESIDENT, 1-HOUR PHOTO CORP., OLD BRIDGE, N.J.

DEAR THOMAS: Your letter is sure to be an eye-opener for many who have been lulled into thinking that the new technologies have made sharing pictures as easy as "point and click."

Caveat emptor: Let the buyer beware. A little extra work may be required for families who would like their computer photographs to last a lifetime or beyond. Having negatives made as a backup is a sensible precaution.

DEAR ABBY: This is a long overdue thank-you. Nine years ago, I decided to go back to school to become a teacher. I didn't know if I really wanted to return to school at my age because I would be 40 upon graduating. Then I read a letter in your column about someone in a similar situation. After thinking about your answer to that question, I decided to enroll.

In no time at all, I completed my studies and went to work in a wonderful elementary school with a great staff and precious children. Now I actually enjoy going to work every day.

I'll be forever grateful, Abby, for that little "push" I needed to get me started. If you print this, please do not mention my name, city or state. -- GRATEFUL IN THE GOLDEN WEST

DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for an upper of a letter. The item you are referring to was published many years ago -- and for anyone who is unfamiliar with it, here it is! It is a letter that I'm proud to say has changed many lives for the better. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old college dropout whose lifelong ambition was to be a physician. I have a very good job selling pharmaceutical supplies, but my heart is still in the practice of medicine. I do volunteer work at the local hospital on my time off, and people tell me I would have made a wonderful doctor.

If I go back to college and get my degree, then go to medical school, do my internship and finally get into the actual practice of medicine, it will take me seven years! But, Abby, in seven years I will be 43 years old. What do you think? -- UNFULFILLED IN PHILLY

DEAR UNFULFILLED: And how old will you be in seven years if you don't go to medical school?

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)