DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 48 years, have raised three children and are in our early 70s. Eleven years ago, my wife stopped having sex with me, saying she didn't think it was necessary. She said all her lady friends our age have stopped doing it, and also they sleep in separate bedrooms.

Am I wrong for feeling that sex is necessary for a happy marriage? -- HURT HUSBAND, REDFORD, MICH.

DEAR HURT HUSBAND: No, you are not wrong. Obviously sex is necessary for YOU to have a happy marriage -- and if your wife values your marriage, she'll consider working out a compromise. Otherwise, I fear I'll be hearing from HER asking what happened to YOU.

DEAR ABBY: The response from "Angie" addressing the teen-age curfew enforcement problem was ingenious, but not foolproof. She suggested that a parent who didn't want to lose sleep waiting for her teen-aged child to come home set an alarm for the time the child should be home. If the child arrives before the alarm goes off, he or she turns the alarm off and goes to bed -- allowing the parent continuous sleep.

My mother used (and I thought invented) that technique when I was a teen-ager in the '70s, thinking that was the solution to my broken curfews and late hours. What Mother didn't know until 25 years later was that while she was sleeping, I would come home, turn the alarm off and sneak back out. -- FORMER TEEN, CURRENT MOM

DEAR CURRENT PARENT: Bad girl! Your confession reminds me of the saying that if man invents a better mousetrap, nature invents a smarter mouse. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The alarm clock method doesn't work! We used it on our oldest son back in 1970. (He's now the chief of staff of the Sixth Fleet in Italy.) After just one night, he began paying his sister (15 months younger) to go in and shut it off. I never learned until a decade later that he had been roaming free until all hours. -- ANONYMOUS IN MARYLAND

DEAR ANONYMOUS: It's heartening that your son has applied his talents to protecting our country instead of becoming a career criminal. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My solution to knowing when our teen-age daughter came home: I, too, work and can hardly stay up to enforce curfews -- so I simply went to bed. In HER bed! When she came home, she woke me up and we chatted, and I went off to my own bed. She loved it, because not only did we have late-night mother-daughter chats, but I warmed her bed for her!

She's away at college this year, and I miss our talks. -- COOKI IN CINCINNATI

DEAR COOKI: You are a diligent and caring parent, and your solution provided a wonderful opportunity for you and your daughter to share some private and memorable moments together. Too often, communication between parents and children takes place when both are rushed or under pressure. Your daughter is a lucky young woman.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Recently my brother-in-law called my husband at work to ask for $1,500 because he had fallen behind on his rent for three consecutive months. My husband, growing wiser each year, told him that he would have to speak with me because we make financial decisions together.

"David," we'll call him, is nearing 40 and is an attorney. He has led an interesting life, moving from place to place and trying his hand at a number of vocations, from bartending to medic work to tennis instructor -- all the while exploring any and all professional opportunities. We receive regular e-mails from him regarding all sorts of fun weekends, rafting trips and tennis tournaments. However, his law practice is limping along. He has never been married and has no dependents, nor is he disabled in any way.

For as long as my husband can remember, David has always gotten himself into financial trouble and someone in the family has had to bail him out. Even in his 30s, David has received thousands from one sibling or another or his parents. This is the first time David has approached us for money, as my husband is the youngest in the family.

Though it was a difficult decision to make, we determined that we were not doing David any favors by sending him money. With David's history of poor financial management, we feel we would just be perpetuating the problem. Without lecturing, my husband explained our position to his brother. He became obviously upset and ended the phone conversation quickly. We no longer receive e-mails from him, and he hasn't spoken to us since. Furthermore, the rest of the family is furious with us.

Abby, were we wrong to not send money? -- ANNABELLE

DEAR ANNABELLE: No, you were not wrong. Given the amount of money David has borrowed from family members, I wouldn't have chipped in any more than I could afford to lose.

Although your brother-in-law is no longer sending you e-mails, perhaps you should e-mail him the telephone number for the nearest Consumer Credit Counseling office. You'd be doing him a favor.

DEAR ABBY: "Wiser in North Texas" made a good suggestion for interacting with the 10-year-old boy who didn't listen to his father. I would like to share a lesson I learned from my mother 50 years ago.

My son was a very active toddler, and I didn't realize I was yelling at him until the day my mom was visiting me. She quietly said to me: "Honey, if you yell at children, they stop hearing you. If you speak very softly but firmly, they will stop to listen to you."

My son was my first child. I later had four daughters, and Mom's advice worked with all of them. It is still working for my grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

My own advice to mothers is this: When you are the most frazzled and frustrated, take the time to imagine yourself as your child -- on the receiving end of your words, and looking up at your angry face. Then ask yourself, "Is this what my child needs from me?" -- GRANDMA IN OREGON

DEAR GRANDMA: That's good advice for the parents of children of all ages.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a working mother who just had a baby last June. Fortunately, everything is going great. She is healthy and happy, my husband and I are doing well, and the proud grandparents baby-sit for our newborn.

I have gotten right back into shape. I swim 40 laps every day, eat very healthfully and happily fit into a size 4 again. (Actually, the pants I'm wearing right now are a size 2!)

My problem is this: Since my job is laid-back and does not require a dress code -- Web development, sitting behind a PC all day -- I seem to dress very poorly each day. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and say, "For someone who takes such good care of her body, eats so well and stays in shape -- you look like a slob!"

Please, Abby, help me devote more time to myself. Although going to the gym during lunch is a priority and eating healthfully goes without saying, I let my hair look like a complete mess, my clothes never match, I wear old sneakers every day, and my shirts are wrinkled and three sizes too big. What can I do to look neater and actually make it a priority every day? -- "L" IN MIDDLE VILLAGE, N.Y.

DEAR "L": Everyone should have your problems! An effective way to make sure you look sharp at work each day would be to coordinate your outfit the night before so you'll have it ready to wear the next morning.

Talk to a hairstylist about creating a style you can manage in 10 minutes with a minimum of bother, and then determine how much (or little) makeup you need to look civilized. Many young women apply only mascara, a little rouge and lipstick, and look terrific.

Taking a few extra minutes to fix yourself up before leaving the house will ensure that you start the day feeling good about yourself. It's been my experience that every time I failed to do it, thinking I probably wouldn't meet anyone who knew me, I inevitably ran into someone I knew -- and was ashamed of myself because I didn't look my best. 'Nuff said?

DEAR ABBY: I am a family law specialist and feel compelled to add my 2 cents' worth regarding the action to be taken by "In Shock and Heartbroken," the dumped and virtually penniless wife of the surgeon. You said she should find an attorney on a contingency basis.

Although in some states attorneys may be able to accept family law cases on a contingency-fee basis, such an agreement in a dissolution action in California is generally thought to be "void against public policy" because, in the event of a reconciliation of the divorcing parties, such an agreement places a lawyer's financial interest in conflict with the client's interest.

However, "In Shock" should have no trouble obtaining counsel for little or no advance fee in California -- given that her husband is a surgeon (and presumably earns substantial amounts of money) -- because California Family Code 2030 provides that a court may make an award of attorney fees and costs to any party in an amount as may be reasonably necessary for attorneys' fees and the amount of maintaining or defending the proceedings. The purpose of this statute is to ensure equal access to legal representation to preserve litigants' rights. -- GEORGIA ANN MICHELL-LANGSAM, ATTORNEY- AT-LAW, ALAMO, CALIF.

DEAR GEORGIA ANN: I have heard from attorneys in at least six states saying exactly the same thing. Thank you for explaining that although "In Shock" may not be able to have an attorney take the case on a contingency basis, her ability to defend herself is still protected under the law.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)