DEAR ABBY: I am a widow and the mother of 10 children. I live in an older house that occasionally needs repairs. My children refuse to do work around my house and suggest I sell it or hire a handyman. Handymen are not easy to find for small jobs, and I like where I live and do not want to move.

I was very good to my own mother and did her every bidding. My children say children don't do that anymore. All I ask is that each one give me one or two days a year. They are good to me in many other ways, but as long as I'm on a roll, I wish they'd ask me out to dinner more often.

Do children have any responsibility toward older parents? I promise to abide by your reply. If I am wrong, I'll never mention it again. -- "SIS" THE NAG, HICKORY HILLS, ILL.

DEAR "SIS": Of course children have a responsibility toward their parents. However, what that means may differ from family to family, and should be mutually agreed upon by everyone concerned. It appears that your children are living busy, complicated lives. If they won't listen to you, Sis, they're not likely to listen to me either. That means you may have to solve this problem without their help.

You would be wise to listen more closely to what your children are trying to say to you. Since you are unable to keep your house in good repair by yourself, perhaps it IS time to sell it and move to a condominium or an assisted-living facility for active seniors. It would solve BOTH of your problems because a staff maintains the premises, and there is also a pool of people with whom to socialize without having to depend on your children. Please don't nix it until you have thoroughly checked out what is available in your area.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old mother of two, and yes, I am married. This is my second marriage, and we've been together for seven long years. My husband is a drunk. He does work two jobs, but when he's home on the weekends, he stays drunk.

At first, I didn't mind being the adult. (I thought it was my job.) But it has gotten really old, and I'm tired of it.

I know that if I leave, my husband will make it hard on me, and he'll tell the kids more than they should know. They are 11 and 5. The kids have seen and been through enough already. How can I leave if he's going to put the children through this? I'm not sure how this should be handled. -- STUCK IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR STUCK: Your husband appears to be what is called a "functional alcoholic." Before you do anything else, attend some meetings of Al-Anon. Al-Anon, an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous, assists spouses and families of alcoholics and is listed in the telephone book -- or you can call directory assistance for the number. There you will find people like yourself who may be able to help you change the way you react to your husband's problem. It could save your marriage.

If the marriage is really over, before you leave, explain to your children what is coming and the fact that their father is going to be angry about it and will say things that are untrue and that he doesn't really mean. Reinforce that message as necessary.

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DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old who has lived with a gay man ever since I was 6. I'll call him Harold. My mother got tangled up with drugs and practically abandoned me and my brother (who's now 22).

Abby, for the last 12 years of our lives we never saw Harold do anything but work hard and come home to us. If he has a companion, we've never seen him. My brother is married and has moved out with his wife and new son. I'm still living at home and am in my freshman year of college -- which Harold is paying for.

There's only one problem. Some of my friends from college come to my house to study. They have seen Harold and they ask questions about him. He has never been the flamboyant type or the proud, outgoing kind -- so I tell them he is not gay, even though I know he is.

Harold has never touched me or my brother in any kind of sexual manner. Abby, he has been my mother, father, aunt, uncle, counselor and, most of all, my best friend. I love him as though he were a blood relation and so does my brother. Should I keep lying to my friends about him when they ask questions, or should I move to protect my reputation? They think I should transfer to another college so people won't know about him raising me. I love him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. Please help. -- TORN AND CONFUSED BY LOVE AND FRIENDS

DEAR TORN: Harold's sexual preferences are personal, and none of your curious "friends'" business. Since you say he is not "out," I see no reason for you to reveal anything for him. Tell your friends exactly what you told me -- that he is your mother, father, aunt, uncle, counselor and -- most of all -- your best friend. Alternatively, you could call him a confirmed bachelor. (It's certainly the truth!)

Anyone who would imply that you should be ashamed of the way you were raised is speaking out of ignorance, is not your friend, and is not worthy of your time. You have a rare and beautiful relationship. Don't sacrifice it out of fear of what others might say. If you're happy living at home and attending college, you should remain there.

DEAR ABBY: "Ed in Long Island" sent you a list of reasons why gay people need to talk about being gay.

I would like to add some thoughts because people need to talk about problems if we are ever going to put an end to discrimination.

1. Women had to talk about their right to vote before it became a reality.

2. Black people had to talk about discrimination against them before they secured civil rights.

3. Workers had to talk about their problems before they secured decent pay and other benefits.

4. Jewish people had to keep talking about the terrible crimes of the Holocaust to make sure it never happens again (and don't forget, gay people were killed along with the Jews in the Holocaust).

I'm sure others can think of other examples of the need to talk to put a check on discrimination, prejudice, bigotry and hate. -- DORTHA HARNED, TERRE HAUTE, IND.

DEAR DORTHA: Indeed they can -- and I hope they do. Unless people talk about discrimination, there is a tendency to sweep it under the carpet and ignore its presence.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow in my 60s, and I'm beginning to think I'm the biggest fool in the world.

After my dear husband died two years ago, I convinced myself I would never get involved with another man. I needed peace after nursing my mate through five traumatic years of cancer and a painful death.

A year ago, I met a charming man my age at church with whom I had many interests in common. He asked me out right after we met, and we have been a happy twosome ever since. He owns his own home a short distance from mine, and we've had a marvelous relationship in all ways. He told me he was divorced and that his ex-wife lived 3,000 miles away in another state.

However, after he told me that he had four unmarried, grown children but didn't feel comfortable telling them about me, I became suspicious. When he visits them in another state, he asks me not to write or call him because they "wouldn't understand." My children and grandchildren like him very much, as do all my friends.

Finally, I asked him outright if he were, indeed, divorced. After a long pause he replied, "Not yet." (After a eight-year separation!)

Noticing our friendship, church members began to approach me and advise me to back off and not get hurt. I was told he had been involved with another woman at the church for a long time before he met me, and that they had broken up for unknown reasons. The reason for this occurred to me -- that she didn't want to be caught in a dead-end relationship, either.

Abby, this man won't tell me straight, but I have this strong feeling that he cheated on his wife during their marriage, and she simply moved far away. He keeps my calendar full of dates and commitments extending far into the future, and I've always had a wonderful time with him. This is apparently the kind of life he wants, but it's not for me.

I am embarrassed and hurt. Do I just say to him, "I want marriage or nothing"? I am so emotionally entangled that an abrupt severing seems beyond my ability. Fragile as it is, I feel that we have something of great value together, but I only visualize an empty future together. Your thoughts, please. -- IN LIMBO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR IN LIMBO: Politely put, your charming escort is a cad and a liar, and I'm sorry your heart is hurting because of his dishonesty. You deserve better.

Ask him to come clean and tell you if he and his wife are really washed up or not. You seem like a lovely woman with terrific instincts, and you already know what you have to do.

DEAR ABBY: Here's another solution for the woman whose neighbor uses her hose and water to water his own lawn and shrubs. Most faucet handles have a screw in the middle. Even without the screw, you can use the faucet. And when you're done, the handle can be removed and taken into the house. It worked for us. -- SHARON L., PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR SHARON: Thank you for a helpful suggestion. I hope it will help the woman who wrote to stop the drip next door!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)