DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother has been diagnosed with emphysema and deteriorating lungs. Last April, the doctor's prognosis was that she would die within the year. We decided to move to her hometown to be with her and the family during this time of crisis.

We have discovered that she still smokes cigarettes and doesn't use her oxygen as often as she should. Her doctor ordered her to quit working, so now she is home all day, and all she does is complain and talk about dying. Abby, if she's so worried about dying, why won't she quit smoking and try to make herself better? She is not that old.

She has four wonderful grandchildren to watch grow up, and my husband and I would like her to be around when WE have children. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall whenever I try to talk to her and give her words of encouragement. She refuses to go to another doctor for a second opinion, which I feel she needs to do.

Abby, what can the family and I do to help her see the light? I'm hopeful that if she sees this letter in the paper, she'll understand what we are going through. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR CONCERNED: Your mother-in-law probably has not stopped smoking because she is hopelessly addicted to cigarettes and feels that because she is terminal, it's useless to fight a battle she has been told she will lose anyway.

Your suggestion that she seek a second medical opinion was excellent. No one should accept a death sentence without seeking a second opinion -- or even a third. Your husband and the other members of the family should schedule an appointment for Mom and see that she keeps it. Where there is life, there is hope.

Your letter is a timely one, because today marks the 23rd annual Great American Smokeout. For those who may not know about it, the Smokeout is an upbeat, good-humored, one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- just to prove to themselves they can do it.

In 1998, 19 percent of smokers (approximately 8,930,000 people) participated in the Great American Smokeout. Of those participating, 10 percent -- more than 890,000 adults -- reported that they were smoking less or not at all one to five days later. That's more than 89,000 people who are well on their way to healthier, smoke-free lives -- thanks to the American Cancer Society.

While "cold turkey" is the most difficult way to quit, I'm told it is also the most effective way to rid oneself of the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call their local chapter of the American Cancer Society or (800) ACS-2345.

And so, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days I've got to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit today? It won't be easy, but it will be the best holiday present you can give yourself and those who love you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Depressed in Texas" about her concern that her husband's business partner was stealing from them. I agree with your advice about having an independent CPA set up the accounting system, and consulting an attorney if the partner does not agree.

However, "Depressed" did raise a warning to other business owners. Whenever a person in charge of the records limits access to the records, it may be a red flag denoting fraud.

Our firm specializes in forensic and investigative accounting. Over the years, our partners have audited thousands of claims for fraud and employee dishonesty. The comment we hear most frequently: "That guy was my trusted friend." It can happen anywhere, at any time.

As a service to your readers, the following is a list of some other "red flags" business owners should look for indicating fraud or employee dishonesty:

-- Excessive drinking or gambling

-- Refusing access to records

-- Rewriting records for "neatness"

-- Coming into a "sudden inheritance"

-- Skipping vacations

-- Overriding internal controls

-- Attempts to dodge or direct an internal audit

-- Working regular overtime

-- Carrying excessive cash

-- Bouncing personal checks

-- Turning down promotions

-- Maintaining a high lifestyle

-- Has check-signing authority

-- Intimidates staff and other co-workers

Abby, theft is a serious problem costing society billions each year. The costs are always passed on to the consumer in the form of higher prices. If someone suspects he or she is having this kind of problem, it is best to contact an accountant or attorney who specializes in this area. Often an experienced fraud examiner can perform an audit without the knowledge of the alleged embezzler. A CPA can be helpful in implementing internal controls that will lower the risk of fraud. -- HENRY H. KAHRS, CPA, CERTIFIED FRAUD EXAMINER, ORANGE, CALIF.

DEAR MR. KAHRS: Thank you for an eyebrow-raising but helpful letter. I'm sad to say the business partner that "Depressed in Texas" complained about has exhibited at least two of the warning signs you listed. As a service to business owners, I'm printing your letter in its entirety.

DEAR ABBY: My mother has given her family 80 years of love, a wonderful sense of humor to get us through hardships, and always a smile and a hug at her front door. I thought you'd enjoy her latest gem:

"You know you're getting old when the only thing you exercise is caution!" -- DAVE IN SAN RAFAEL

DEAR DAVE: That's cute. I have another one for you. A family friend who fancies himself a "man about town" once told me he knew HE was getting old when his barber said she had "just the girl for him" -- and offered to fix him up with her grandmother.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After only six years of marriage, my darling husband died on Oct. 4. He had three children and taught them good values. He once said during our marriage, "When I die, I hope my kids don't come in and start announcing, 'I want this' or 'I want that.'"

Well, sure enough, two days after my husband's death -- even before the funeral arrangements had been completed -- his son came to me with a verbal list of things they wanted.

I kindly told him that his father and I had discussed what he would like them to have, and we would take care of it sometime later. I left his kids at home while I went out to run some errands. When I returned and they had left, I found evidence that they had gone through my belongings looking, I suppose, for things they wanted.

The next day his son called and said they would be bringing my husband's ex-wife over to load up the things they wanted before they went home. The day of the funeral his son called to inform me that they had brought a truck from Arkansas to haul it all away.

Abby, I couldn't take it any more. I said, "Your daddy would be ashamed of you. To ask his widow on the day of his funeral to come over immediately afterward is incredibly crass."

Well, during the funeral, I observed his son's grief, and now I feel terribly guilty for being a wicked stepmother. Am I?

Also, is it in good taste for an ex-wife to pluck flowers from her ex-husband's grave in front of his widow, before he is lowered into the ground? I'm appalled. -- GRIEVING IN MISSOURI

DEAR GRIEVING: Stop feeling guilty for having reacted the way you did to the phone calls. You showed remarkable restraint in the face of insensitivity. Something tells me that any hurt feelings will be mended as soon as you tell "the kids" they can come and collect the loot.

As for your husband's ex-wife taking flowers from his grave at the burial, customs vary in different parts of the country. Perhaps she wanted to press them and put them in a family album. After having had three children with him, she must have been feeling some sense of loss at his death. When people are grieving, they sometimes say or do things without thinking them through. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

DEAR ABBY: I recently took a commercial airline flight home from England to the United States. Regrettably, the woman I sat next to wore too much perfume. I don't mind perfume in good taste, but this woman must have taken a bath in it. The smell was unbearable, so I first covered my nose with a blanket. Then I tried turning my head in the other direction. Then I tried to sleep. Lastly, I put the air on me, but nothing seemed to help.

What should I have done to get away from the horrible perfume smell? -- SENSITIVE NOSE IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR SENSITIVE NOSE: I have heard countless complaints over the years from people who are sensitive to perfumes. Many of them suffered allergic reactions when in close quarters such as elevators. The problem is perfume wearers who think that if a little bit is good, then more must be better. Not true!

You should have informed the flight attendant that you couldn't tolerate the strong odor and asked to change your seat. If the flight wasn't fully booked, the attendant would have accommodated you.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)