DEAR ABBY: It happened again! My fiance, "Greg," left me behind to spend another long holiday weekend with his family. Let me give you the details.

Greg is 22 years old. He lives at home with his parents and goes to college. His parents have a lake cottage one hour away. They go there almost every weekend, and they expect Greg to come, too. In fact, we go there almost every weekend.

My sister's birthday was during the Labor Day weekend. I invited Greg to stay here and celebrate with us, because my sister lives five hours away, and we don't get to see her that often. However, Greg wanted to "spend time with his family." He insists I'm selfish for getting upset. I feel that I'm getting the "leftovers" and I'll never be first in his life.

Another thing: Greg has been wanting to get his own place, but changed his mind because his dad travels occasionally, and Greg says he doesn't want to leave his mother alone, even though he has two teen-age brothers who are still at home.

What do you think about this? -- FUMING IN FORT WORTH

DEAR FUMING: You are getting a taste of what it will be like to be married to this young man. Greg is still emotionally and financially tied to his family, and your family appears to rank a distant second place. Unless you can adjust to playing second fiddle to his parents, you may want to reconsider your engagement.

DEAR ABBY: I was struck by the letter from "Missing Them in Colorado," who had moved to a new city and whose old friends ignored her attempts to remain in contact via correspondence. Something similar happened to me.

Years ago I moved from Pittsburgh to Clearwater, Fla. I kept in touch with my friends through letters and cards. After a time, the letters dropped off, but I continued to send cards for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, births, etc.

Five years ago, six of my friends retired and moved here. I was delighted -- and we socialized at parties, dinners and sports events. Gradually, they stopped including me in their get-togethers.

In the meantime, I became friendly with one of the busboys at my favorite restaurant and his lovely family. He calls me "Mr. R.," because I'm 72 and he is 20. He attends junior college at night. I'm always included at his family's parties and dinners. He insists on cutting my grass each week and afterward invites me out to bowl or to a movie. He has become a dear friend.

Several months ago, I ran into one of my old friends and asked why I never hear from them anymore. His wife said, "Wake up and smell the coffee. You can't keep up with us timewise or financially."

Not too long after that encounter, I inherited a great sum of money. News gets around quickly, and guess who came out of the woodwork? The same couple called and invited me for dinner and said it would be nice to have me "back in the fold."

I replied that my time is precious -- and besides, they could not keep up with me financially.

I'll continue to send cards on their special days, but I will concentrate on building my friendship with Jose and his family. And guess who will be mentioned in my will?

Sorry this letter is long, Abby, but I needed to vent. -- MR. R., CLEARWATER, FLA.

DEAR MR. R.: That's what I'm here for. The value of friendship is not supposed to be based upon a person's wealth. Count your blessings, not your losses. You're a lucky man in more ways than one.

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DEAR ABBY: I was surprised at your response to "Used in the Northwest," whose college friend and family visited without offering to defray expenses. Your response, to charge $60 a day, seemed harsh. "Used" may lose a friend.

I would suggest a few alternatives:

1. "Used" and her family could reciprocate by visiting her college friend's family;

2. "Used" could suggest that the two families meet someplace where each would pay their own way;

3. "Used" could level with her friend, saying that the visits had become a financial strain, but that the visits might continue if they could agree on how to resolve this. -- PHYLLIS STAHL, COLUMBUS, IND.

DEAR PHYLLIS: Your suggestions are good ones. However, "Used" stated that after 15 years, she and her husband felt taken advantage of, that the visits were no longer enjoyable, and she and her husband had dropped countless "hints" that were ignored. Therefore, I concluded that her college chum had the hide of a rhino and knew full well that she was taking advantage.

You are not the only reader who felt that my answer was too harsh. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion that "Used" charge her friend $60 a day to "cover the cost of feeding them, the additional water, electricity and telephone charges" is guaranteed to cost her the relationship with her friend. I'm from the Southeast, and such a demand would be considered extremely rude.

Why didn't you suggest that "Used" simply talk to her friend? She could inform her that the annual visit makes it difficult for her family to maintain their somewhat strained weekly budget. She could suggest that, perhaps, they go grocery shopping together and then simply ask her friend to pay for part. If they run out of milk or need a video, she could ask her friend to go to the store for it. By being up-front with her friend, she may appear to be struggling financially, but her friend should appreciate her honesty. Following your advice, she will appear rude and cheap. -- USED TO SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

DEAR USED TO SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY: Please re-read my answer to Phyllis (see above). Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After 15 years of silently taking the abuse from her visitors, the chances of "Used" being able to say that she is going to charge them is slim to none. I suggest she send the following note to her friend:

"Dear Jane and Family: We're delighted to hear that you and your family are once again going to be in our area. As you know, our little home gets really crowded and uncomfortable with so many of us under one roof. But I'm delighted to tell you that I have found a delightful motel close by that is very reasonable and comfortable. It is the Cozy Inn on Main Street.

"We know that you'll find it to be the best place in town for only $60 a night for you and your family. Since it's so close, we'll be able to spend all the time together that you're able to give us. Looking forward to seeing you again." -- JOANN MABEL, BROOKLYN CENTER, MINN.

DEAR JOANN: I like your style. You have a deft touch. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was good, but I'd go still further. How about informing this "friend" that since she is jobless, she has started a "bed and breakfast" business and that her rates are $100 a day for four persons, with a maximum of six days? This would shorten or eliminate the stay and/or recoup the previous losses to a small degree.

I'm amazed that "Used" and her family would tolerate such an imposition for 15 years. If I were her husband, this deal would have stopped years ago with a frank discussion and a firm goodbye! -- JOHN LANDFRIED, ROCKWALL, TEXAS

DEAR JOHN: I agree!

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DEAR ABBY: Never did I think I'd be writing to you, but for the past few years I have been plagued by widows who cannot drive. However, most are not shy when it comes to expecting neighbors to drive them to church, to shop, to the doctor or the dentist, to senior affairs, etc.

What in the world were these women -- and their husbands -- thinking in years past? It's a well-known fact that women usually outlive their husbands. Did they think a chauffeur would automatically appear when the husband died? Or were the husbands stubborn male chauvinists who refused to accept the fact that they might go first?

I loved your item re: Who would a man rescue if both his mother and his wife were going over the falls and he could rescue only one? You humorously wrote, "... it's so important for women to know how to paddle their own canoes." Amen! Healthy ladies: LEARN TO DRIVE!

Thankfully, the new generation has all girls and women learning to drive early. Those no-drive widows are such a pain. -- WIDOW-DRIVER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WIDOW-DRIVER: I have another saying for you: "You don't have to run to the fire every time you hear a siren." Perhaps your pain would be less if you made yourself less available. I'm sure those nondriving widows would try harder to arrange other transportation if they could hear what you're saying under your breath!

Another thing to consider: Not all older widows are good candidates for learning how to drive.

DEAR ABBY: With regard to the letter from "Bound and Boiling," I just want to reassure the three young women who spent the night bound and gagged in the fast-food restaurant that, as a political scientist who has studied crime and violence for more than two decades, I am firmly convinced that they did the right thing in not resisting.

The risks involved in resisting an armed robbery far outweigh those of not resisting.

As the old military axiom goes, "Great courage is required to take a seemingly unheroic action." -- ERNEST H. EVANS, LEAVENWORTH, KAN.

DEAR ERNEST: I agree. It takes presence of mind to remain calm in an emergency, and to weigh whether heroism is prudent.

DEAR READERS: This wonderful poem, written as the closing remarks for a friend's speech on Memorial Day at a veterans cemetery, was sent to me by the author's wife, Marie C. Middleton. I think it is fitting to print it to honor Veterans Day. Read on:

A SOLDIER'S PRAYER

by Maj. Gen. James B. Middleton

Lord, bless the wives

who grieve alone,

And comfort the mothers

who mourn their own.

Give solace to the fathers

who lost their sons

On foreign shores and in

places unknown.

Lord, strengthen the resolve

of we who remain

To see that they did not

die in vain.

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