DEAR ABBY: I was surprised at your response to "Used in the Northwest," whose college friend and family visited without offering to defray expenses. Your response, to charge $60 a day, seemed harsh. "Used" may lose a friend.

I would suggest a few alternatives:

1. "Used" and her family could reciprocate by visiting her college friend's family;

2. "Used" could suggest that the two families meet someplace where each would pay their own way;

3. "Used" could level with her friend, saying that the visits had become a financial strain, but that the visits might continue if they could agree on how to resolve this. -- PHYLLIS STAHL, COLUMBUS, IND.

DEAR PHYLLIS: Your suggestions are good ones. However, "Used" stated that after 15 years, she and her husband felt taken advantage of, that the visits were no longer enjoyable, and she and her husband had dropped countless "hints" that were ignored. Therefore, I concluded that her college chum had the hide of a rhino and knew full well that she was taking advantage.

You are not the only reader who felt that my answer was too harsh. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion that "Used" charge her friend $60 a day to "cover the cost of feeding them, the additional water, electricity and telephone charges" is guaranteed to cost her the relationship with her friend. I'm from the Southeast, and such a demand would be considered extremely rude.

Why didn't you suggest that "Used" simply talk to her friend? She could inform her that the annual visit makes it difficult for her family to maintain their somewhat strained weekly budget. She could suggest that, perhaps, they go grocery shopping together and then simply ask her friend to pay for part. If they run out of milk or need a video, she could ask her friend to go to the store for it. By being up-front with her friend, she may appear to be struggling financially, but her friend should appreciate her honesty. Following your advice, she will appear rude and cheap. -- USED TO SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY

DEAR USED TO SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY: Please re-read my answer to Phyllis (see above). Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After 15 years of silently taking the abuse from her visitors, the chances of "Used" being able to say that she is going to charge them is slim to none. I suggest she send the following note to her friend:

"Dear Jane and Family: We're delighted to hear that you and your family are once again going to be in our area. As you know, our little home gets really crowded and uncomfortable with so many of us under one roof. But I'm delighted to tell you that I have found a delightful motel close by that is very reasonable and comfortable. It is the Cozy Inn on Main Street.

"We know that you'll find it to be the best place in town for only $60 a night for you and your family. Since it's so close, we'll be able to spend all the time together that you're able to give us. Looking forward to seeing you again." -- JOANN MABEL, BROOKLYN CENTER, MINN.

DEAR JOANN: I like your style. You have a deft touch. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was good, but I'd go still further. How about informing this "friend" that since she is jobless, she has started a "bed and breakfast" business and that her rates are $100 a day for four persons, with a maximum of six days? This would shorten or eliminate the stay and/or recoup the previous losses to a small degree.

I'm amazed that "Used" and her family would tolerate such an imposition for 15 years. If I were her husband, this deal would have stopped years ago with a frank discussion and a firm goodbye! -- JOHN LANDFRIED, ROCKWALL, TEXAS

DEAR JOHN: I agree!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Never did I think I'd be writing to you, but for the past few years I have been plagued by widows who cannot drive. However, most are not shy when it comes to expecting neighbors to drive them to church, to shop, to the doctor or the dentist, to senior affairs, etc.

What in the world were these women -- and their husbands -- thinking in years past? It's a well-known fact that women usually outlive their husbands. Did they think a chauffeur would automatically appear when the husband died? Or were the husbands stubborn male chauvinists who refused to accept the fact that they might go first?

I loved your item re: Who would a man rescue if both his mother and his wife were going over the falls and he could rescue only one? You humorously wrote, "... it's so important for women to know how to paddle their own canoes." Amen! Healthy ladies: LEARN TO DRIVE!

Thankfully, the new generation has all girls and women learning to drive early. Those no-drive widows are such a pain. -- WIDOW-DRIVER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WIDOW-DRIVER: I have another saying for you: "You don't have to run to the fire every time you hear a siren." Perhaps your pain would be less if you made yourself less available. I'm sure those nondriving widows would try harder to arrange other transportation if they could hear what you're saying under your breath!

Another thing to consider: Not all older widows are good candidates for learning how to drive.

DEAR ABBY: With regard to the letter from "Bound and Boiling," I just want to reassure the three young women who spent the night bound and gagged in the fast-food restaurant that, as a political scientist who has studied crime and violence for more than two decades, I am firmly convinced that they did the right thing in not resisting.

The risks involved in resisting an armed robbery far outweigh those of not resisting.

As the old military axiom goes, "Great courage is required to take a seemingly unheroic action." -- ERNEST H. EVANS, LEAVENWORTH, KAN.

DEAR ERNEST: I agree. It takes presence of mind to remain calm in an emergency, and to weigh whether heroism is prudent.

DEAR READERS: This wonderful poem, written as the closing remarks for a friend's speech on Memorial Day at a veterans cemetery, was sent to me by the author's wife, Marie C. Middleton. I think it is fitting to print it to honor Veterans Day. Read on:

A SOLDIER'S PRAYER

by Maj. Gen. James B. Middleton

Lord, bless the wives

who grieve alone,

And comfort the mothers

who mourn their own.

Give solace to the fathers

who lost their sons

On foreign shores and in

places unknown.

Lord, strengthen the resolve

of we who remain

To see that they did not

die in vain.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was 2 years old, and remarried soon afterward. Unfortunately, the man my mother married was an abusive alcoholic whose beatings eventually contributed to her death in 1981. My father had remained on good terms with my mother throughout the years, and he and my stepmother attended the funeral.

After the funeral service, my stepmother said to me, "I insist that you thank your stepfather for putting up with your mother all those years. You should spend the rest of the afternoon with him and his family."

Not wishing to cause a scene, I did what she ordered. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Abby, no one deserved the punishment my stepfather inflicted on my mother. My stepmother knew exactly what he had done to my mother and to me, too. How could she make such a demand?

After all these years, at 42, I am still troubled by my stepmother's demand, and the fact that I actually obeyed! What can I do to get over this? -- STILL TROUBLED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, ROCKLAND, DEL.

DEAR STILL TROUBLED: Your stepmother's comments were outrageous. She may have hated and resented your mother, and felt she had gotten what she deserved. And, like many victims of abuse, your self-esteem was so low you obeyed her without question.

Counseling can help you work through the feelings you're experiencing. Since you're still troubled, I hope you won't wait any longer.

DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from the 23-year-old manager of a suburban fast-food restaurant and the teens who were bound and left after a robbery. I want to address the fact that the parents of these teens never came to find out why they were out all night. As a parent of a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old (and for 10 months, a 17-year-old foreign exchange student), I have an explanation for the apparent lack of concern from the parents. Exhaustion!

Our 17-year-old had curfew hours on the weekend, which her mother and I set. Our student would be home exactly on time or call us if there was a problem. At first, I stayed up to make sure she got home -- but after arising for work at 5 a.m. every day, I was too exhausted to be efficient. I shared this problem with other parents of teen-agers. Here's how I solved it:

I set an alarm for the time the child should be home. If the child gets home before the alarm goes off, he or she turns off the alarm and goes to bed. If the child does not arrive home in time, the alarm goes off and wakes the parent. Parents get their sleep -- and the teens get to keep the hours they desperately want. -- ANGIE IN L.A.

DEAR ANGIE: I received a stack of mail from defensive parents of teens about my reply to that letter, for saying that the parents of those young girls weren't doing an adequate job. Many said that their teen-agers ignore their attempts at discipline and refuse to accept their authority or curfews. Others said they were unable to wait up for their children and still function the next day.

For households where there is mutual respect and order, your solution is ingenious. I only wish I had stock in an alarm clock company.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)