DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon, and as a bride-to-be, I have been very laid-back and agreeable to all of the arrangements my mother has made. At first, I asked if we could have just a small, informal barbecue. She said no -- so now we're having an all-out affair. My sister will be my maid of honor. I'm letting her wear whatever she wants. Even though my colors are blue, she is wearing a plum-colored dress. As long as she's happy, fine.

I have argued with my mother about only one thing: I have a beautiful, simple wedding dress. I want to wear a pair of sneakers with lace shoestrings because I will be on my feet all day. I don't want to wear heels because those shoes are not made for comfort. I think the sneakers with the lace "accents" will be very cute and nice.

Although this is really the only thing I am asking for myself, my mother is acting like I'll shame the family. (I am not doing the "garter" thing, so no one will even see the shoes.) I did agree with my mother that I'd wear proper wedding shoes for the ceremony and formal reception, but that wasn't good enough. I do not want to wear those ceremony shoes from 2:30 p.m. until 12:30 a.m.

Abby, my mother will not compromise. Why shouldn't I be comfortable at my own wedding? She's acting like I'm committing some horrible sin, and threatening I'll forever be the laughingstock of New Jersey. All I want is to be comfortable at my own wedding. Please help me put this into perspective. -- WISHING FOR COMFORTABLE SHOES, PARSIPPANY, N.J.

DEAR WISHING: Please tell your mother I suggest that she loosen up a little. Since you're wearing a long dress, and will be wearing traditional "wedding slippers" during the ceremony, your mother should be willing to compromise and allow you to wear your sneakers at the reception. Many brides simply kick off their high-heeled pumps and go through their receptions in stocking feet. Your idea has merit.

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from my mother's funeral in another state. Not only did I have to go through the trauma of my mother dying in my arms, and then the funeral, but also a terrible battle with my brother and his wife about the "things" Mother left behind.

My sister-in-law made all the decisions about who would get what. Every time I tried to say that my mother told me during many telephone conversations what she wanted me to have, I was told, "You don't know what you're talking about!" There was an old will that did not specify to whom her possessions should go.

Abby, it was a horrible experience. I will never forget or forgive. I not only lost my beautiful mother, but a brother as well.

Please, advise older people to update their wills and make clear what is to be divided among the children or grandchildren. My brother disobeyed my mother's last wishes, and he must live with that knowledge for the rest of his life. -- DIANE D., FORT PIERCE, FLA.

DEAR DIANE: This is a topic that has appeared in my column regularly. I hope it serves as a reminder to those who need it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Still Dating," the woman and her husband who have incorporated good manners into their marriage, have my support. I encourage them to continue, regardless of what their daughters think.

My wife and I have been married almost 42 years. We still hold hands in public and exchange brief smooches. I open doors for her -- both to buildings and cars -- and I also help her out of the car. I do little things "just because," like bringing her flowers or small pieces of costume jewelry. It gives me great pleasure.

Let their children learn by observation a good lesson in chivalry, gallantry, and just plain good manners. They'll see, in about 10 years, how fortunate they are to have such loving, devoted parents. -- TWO-IN-LOVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR TWO-IN-LOVE: You're right. And I hope those young women find spouses as caring as you are. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is my first letter to you, but I had to write after reading the letter from "Still Dating." Let's hope her daughters eventually learn to accept and value the old-fashioned courtesies. The parents are setting an excellent example for them.

As a 61-year-old widow, I can't begin to tell you how much I miss those "old-fashioned" courtesies from my husband, Richard. For most of a long, debilitating illness, he continued to do those little things for me. And when he grew too ill to do them, I turned the tables and opened doors for him and assisted him up the stairs or from the car.

Nearly five years ago, my darling went to a better place. He's free of pain.

Occasionally I have had the pleasure of having a gentleman hold a door for me. I always accept the courtesy and smile and thank him. Thank heavens some members of the younger generation have learned to value manners and courtesy to and from others. -- STILL MISSING HIM, TARPON SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR STILL MISSING HIM: I offer my sympathy for the loss of your loving mate. It's clear that yours was a very caring union. Although chivalry may no longer be universally practiced, it isn't dead yet. And it should be nurtured wherever it appears. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: So many women today say, "I can open my own doors. I don't need a man." Well, let me tell you something: When a man opens a door, holds a chair or a coat, he's telling you he feels you are a woman worth the effort. The least you can do is to smile and say "Thank you."

I am 88 years old and enjoy every courtesy a man pays me. Some time ago, I entered an elevator, and a gentleman took off his hat and asked if I wanted the main floor. I said, "Yes, thank you." When we left the elevator and approached the heavy front door, he hurried to hold it for me. I thanked him again, and then I heard him say, "Well! It's been a long time since a woman thanked me." I said, "How kind of you. These doors are so heavy." He smiled from ear to ear. He felt good and so did I.

One day at the mall, a boy about 7 was opening a large, heavy door as a woman got there. As he held it, she sailed right through without even looking at him. When he held it for me, I said, "Thank you so much. These doors are heavy." His face lit up and he said, "Yes." I added, "Oh, you are the dear man today." He stretched up about 3 inches with his chest out. Even little guys like to be thanked.

A woman who learns to be gracious will be surprised at the perks. -- HELEN IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR HELEN: You said a mouthful, Sister!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 12 years has just informed me that he has invited his former girlfriend to our home for an upcoming weekend. He wants her to see our home and city. He says he just wants to talk with an old friend with whom he has a lot in common and has not seen for 15 years.

Abby, over the last two years, he has talked with this woman about once a month or so. It never occurred to me to be jealous or concerned because I trusted him and he's never given me any reason not to. He would tell me about their conversations if I wasn't in when she called. It was never an issue for me until he invited her to spend the weekend without consulting me.

When I told him I would feel uncomfortable having "Rene" stay with us, especially since she's not a mutual friend of ours, he accused me of being insecure, became extremely angry and was silent for several days. He also told me that if I don't agree to it, then he will see her in secret.

I was shocked and assumed he spoke out of anger. Now I'm not so sure. Have you any thoughts on this? -- ERODED TRUST IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ERODED TRUST: Many. If the situation were reversed and you informed your husband that an old boyfriend he had never met was coming to spend a weekend in your home, I'm sure he would have been shocked and angered that you had acted without first consulting him.

Ordinarly, I wouldn't advise giving in to blackmail. However, since he's threatening to "see her in secret" if you don't agree to accommodate her, put on your most charming face and play hostess of the year. And if you or any of your friends know an attractive, unattached bachelor, invite him over for a lovely family dinner.

DEAR ABBY: My parents did not need more "stuff" to mark their 50th anniversary. So we, their eight children, decided to include the following on the party invitation:

"In lieu of gifts, donations to Our Daily Bread, a non-discriminatory soup kitchen, will be accepted at the door. All donations will be forwarded to Our Daily Bread in the names of Bob and Mary Lou."

Abby, the 60 or so guests responded with donations amounting to more than $1,500. Our parents were overwhelmed, as was the director of the soup kitchen, at the generosity of their friends and family. -- BOB AND MARY LOU FOLZENLOGEN'S CHILDREN, CINCINNATI

DEAR 'CHILDREN': My congratulations to your parents. They have a great deal of which to be proud, and the values of their children are only the beginning. Your idea is terrific.

DEAR ABBY: This may seem like a strange question, but I was trying to find out because this is kind of important. You see, I had my nipples pierced, and I am pregnant.

I was wondering if I took the rings out and they healed, would I be able to breast-feed? -- CRYSTAL IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR CRYSTAL: I see no reason why you should not be able to. I checked with the La Leche League, and their representative told me there are no known cases where piercing the nipple interfered with nursing a baby.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)