DEAR ABBY: A pregnant 18-year-old wrote to you because her husband was having a hard time accepting the fact that she wears a locket with a photo of the baby boy she gave up for adoption three years before. You advised her that you thought it was because the necklace "served as a constant reminder that 'he wasn't the first man in her life.'"

Abby, that girl told you she had been raped and the baby she gave up was a result of a crime committed against her. How can you even insinuate that the heartless coward who fathered this child was a "man in her life"?

I can assure you that a rapist, and the experience of being raped, becomes a permanent part of your life. However, when a child is raped, that rapist does NOT become the "first man in her life."

I hope you will print this letter along with an apology for offending all victims of rape. -- TAMIE IN MARIETTA, GA.

DEAR TAMIE: After an editor expressed concern about my terminology after that letter and answer were sent to my newspapers, I issued a correction. However, not all of them used my alternative wording. If you or anyone else was offended by my language, I apologize. "First man in your life" was not intended to imply that the baby was the result of consensual sex. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the young wife whose husband wants her to remove the locket containing the picture of the baby she gave up for adoption, my next question would be: How dare he? What does he want her to give up next -- her friends and family? If he can't see that the locket is important to her, he may never see ANYTHING that is important to her.

My feeling is that he's using this as emotional blackmail because he is insecure in himself. I have had three children, and never loved any of them less than the others. Is this husband an only child? If not, have him ask his mother if she loved any of her children less because she already had one. A parent's heart is too big for something that petty, and "Too Young" has already proven how big her heart is.

This young woman should hold her head up proudly, because her daughter will, too -- and so will her son. She has already proven what a terrific parent she is. She did not blame her unborn child and gave him the greatest possible gift, life!

Keep your locket, dear lady; you earned it. -- INSULTED PARENT OF FOUR, PHOENIX

DEAR INSULTED PARENT: I second the motion. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Most lockets have room for TWO pictures. I think she should add the daughter's photograph to the one of her son. Or, even better -- the husband should buy a new locket and put the pictures of both children in it. -- DIANE D., LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR DIANE D.: That's a wonderful idea. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That young woman's husband should applaud and support her for getting through the terrible ordeal of rape in such a mature and responsible way. As for her loving her new daughter as much as her son, I'm sure she will discover that a mother's love is like no other -- and can be equally distributed to all her children. Her insight and thoughtfulness prove that she is already well-suited for the job. -- DANIELLE M., FAIRLESS HILLS, PA.

DEAR DANIELLE: You've summed it up very well.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a counselor at a residential home for teen-age girls. We've recently had a problem with a few of our girls "huffing" (inhaling) cleaning chemicals. We've had several discussions with the girls, separately and in groups, about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Although the girls repeat our warnings to us and appear to understand, I doubt that they fully understand how dangerous it is. I overheard one girl say, "Plenty of movie stars do it."

I remember a column in which you once printed a list of celebrities who had died from alcohol or drug-related incidents. If you would reprint it, I would be most appreciative. -- CONCERNED COUNSELOR, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR CONCERNED COUNSELOR: Although I have listed the names of celebrities who died because of tobacco, I haven't previously published a list of celebrities whose deaths were substance-abuse related. However, the Center for Substance Abuse Prevention was able to provide me with one. The amount of God-given talent lost because of substance abuse is tragic:

Chet Baker, John Belushi, Kurt Cobain, John Coltrane, Dorothy Dandridge, Miles Davis, Jerry Garcia, Judy Garland, Andy Gibb, Jimi Hendrix, Billie Holiday, Brian Jones, Janis Joplin, Bela Lugosi, Keith Moon, Marilyn Monroe, Jim Morrison, Charlie "Bird" Parker, Edith Piaf, River Phoenix, Elvis Presley, Freddie Prinz Sr., Jean Seberg, Sid Vicious and Dennis Wilson.

I was shocked to learn that inhalant abuse is the fourth most common form of substance abuse among high school students, behind alcohol, tobacco and marijuana. While nine out of 10 parents refuse to believe their children would take such a foolish risk, a 1997 national household survey on drug abuse revealed that almost as many eighth-graders have abused inhalants (21 percent) as have used marijuana (22.6 percent).

Among the common products on the market with the potential for being abused: glues, nail polish remover, paint products, correction fluid, hair spray, gasoline, room deodorizers, markers, Freon, lighter fluid, gases (helium, butane, propane), computer sprays, cleaning agents and fire extinguishers. The effects of inhalant abuse include intoxication, short-term memory loss, hearing loss, limb spasms, bone marrow damage, liver and kidney damage, permanent brain damage and death.

Last August, a reader named Michael Richardson sent me a copy of a letter about "huffing" he had sent to his local newspaper. In part, it read:

"When I was younger, 20 years ago, three schoolmates got a kick from sniffing Pam, the nonstick food stuff. They are dead because of it. I understand that Pam and Scotchguard are popular today.

"Many people do not realize that the solvents they get a buzz from are only carriers of the product in a spray can. The solvents help distribute the product uniformly on their intended surface.

"Pam uses oil to 'seal' and prevent food from bonding to the surface of a hot frying pan; Scotchguard is a fluorocarbon compound used to 'seal' dirt from cloth; paint uses pigments and binders to 'seal' out the environment, preventing deterioration and rust.

"When these materials are concentrated into the human lungs they also 'seal' out the transfer of oxygen to the body. So while you're getting a buzz from the carrier solvent, you're also drowning from lack of oxygen. There is nothing anyone can do to help you; you're as good as dead, and that's it."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years. My husband has one really big problem. He doesn't like to work. He gets a good job and somehow always messes up or quits. Then it takes him weeks to find something else. He's old enough to know better -- he's 50.

We have three children. I don't want them to turn out like their father. I have worked since I was 15 years old. I work for two companies now and do extra work on the side. I make good money, but not enough to pay all the bills. How do I get through to my husband the importance of keeping a job and not quitting? I am to the point where I'd like to throw him out of the house -- but I don't think he would leave. -- TOTALLY LOST IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR TOTALLY LOST: The majority of people in the work force today would prefer to be living a life of leisure. That's why the lotteries are so popular. However, as responsible adults they recognize the connection between working and getting their bills paid.

Your husband won't change until you draw the line and refuse to support him and his irresponsibility any longer. Ask yourself, "Would I be better off with him or without him?" From my perspective, you would have only one less mouth to feed.

DEAR ABBY: I completely endorse the list of seven suggestions on how to treat the mentally ill sent to you by the psychologist in Texas (published Sept. 19). Now let me add two more:

8. If I confide that I'm taking medication for a mental health disorder, please do not warn me about all the side effects this particular medication has and all the dangers of long-term use, and then tout the "natural" or herbal alternatives to psychotropic drugs. Believe me -- I've tried everything else, to no avail. It was a difficult and agonizing decision for me to finally take the step of seeking medical treatment for my illness. I resisted it, I rebelled against it, and I saw several psychiatrists and tried many other medications before I finally received effective treatment.

There may be risks involved in taking my current medication, but no risk is as great for me as doing without. At least now I am not daily, even hourly, considering suicide because of the agony my mental illness causes me. So, instead of issuing dire warnings, simply congratulate me upon finally gaining control over my illness, and offer your support and friendship. This would be truly helpful.

9. I know you love me and mean well, but PLEASE do not suggest that I would feel so much better if I had a meaningful relationship with God. I am suffering from a physical illness with mental manifestations; it has nothing to do with my spirituality or lack thereof. You would not tell someone with leukemia that he would not be ill if he simply prayed more often -- don't be so unintentionally cruel as to say such a thing to me. It is the same as blaming me for my sickness, implying that my lack of moral character is the cause of my problems. I do enough of that on my own. Just pray for me, and tell me your thoughts and best wishes are with me. -- LIVING IT IN THE U.S.A.

DEAR LIVING: I'm pleased to add your suggestions to the list, and I'm sure they will resonate with many people. I've said it before and I'll say it again: The most unwelcome advice in the world is that which is unasked for.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)