DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Hurt in Adams Center, N.Y.," the woman whose future mother-in-law is abusive to her because she thinks "Hurt" is "stealing her son away."

Please tell her to run, don't walk, to the nearest therapist and take her fiance with her -- and if therapy doesn't fix things, to please, please, not marry this man. I was once married to such a man and an almost identical set of parents. I was wife No. 2 -- we had both been married before -- and I quickly found out what had happened to his first marriage. His mother didn't want other women around her adored son; this included his daughter from the first marriage. And she was not nice to my children either because she felt "disloyal" to the real grandchild.

My husband simply would not or could not stand up for his bride over the craziness of his parents. The mother walked closely past me in the hall one time and punched me in the stomach as hard as she could. When I let out a howl of protest, this goofy woman actually said she hadn't done such a thing; this was just another example of my trying to cause trouble! She had a way of "needing" his help urgently when she knew something was going on at our house and, every time, my husband would walk out on me to take care of this manipulative woman, his mother.

Again, run, don't walk, to a therapist. Remember, these are the people who raised the fiance to be the person he is. He's been yanked around and manipulated by them all his life -- and there could easily be trouble ahead. -- CRAZY LADY'S FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: That's good advice, providing the couple will heed it. If it doesn't help them deal with the problem, at least it will help them gain insight. I have a stack of letters 6 inches high from women who have experienced the same problem. Every single one said to break the engagement and run like the devil. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Hurt in Adams Center" to put on her running shoes and exit that relationship as soon as possible. My ex-in-laws didn't approve of me, either.

At the wedding and reception they refused to be in any photograph that I was in. (How many wedding pictures have you seen without the bride?) My former mother-in-law called friends of mine and told them what an awful wife she thought I was, and my husband refused to intercede because he was sure everything would get better once children arrived.

After 18 months of this abuse, I got a divorce. I am now very happily married to someone else, and his mother and I get along just fine. -- DIXIE DARLING

DEAR DIXIE DARLING: I advised "Hurt" that her fiance and his mother were still attached by an emotional umbilical cord, and the only person who could successfully sever it was her fiance -- by making it clear to his mother that he expected his future wife to be treated with courtesy and respect.

To that I will add: If he is unable to do that, then she must read the handwriting on the wall. Better a broken engagement than a bitter divorce.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to reassure the mother of "Trevor," who fears that her son is gay because he prefers dancing and cooking to baseball cards and talking about girls. Twenty years ago, that could have described my brother, although you'd never guess it to see him today -- happily married to a lady who's happy to let him do the cooking in their home.

My brother was always small and shy, and although he had a number of female and male friends, he didn't date until college. While in junior high school and high school, a knee injury left him with only swimming and dance for gym class choices. He endured a lot of razzing about his sexuality when he dressed to go to a dance class with the girls while all the other guys were preparing to do "manly" activities such as wrestling.

Finally, my brother lost his tolerance and pointed out, "You are going into a class of sweaty, smelly guys in shorts and sweatshirts. I'm going into a class with girls in skintight leotards and tights. Who do you think is having a problem?" And that ended the discussion!

As for cooking, my brother has always been the better cook in our family, and he loved it at an early age. To this day, he takes cooking classes and cooks up gourmet feasts out of nothing.

The mother is correct to encourage her son's interests. Dancers are often in better shape than other athletes, and certainly the number of male chefs on TV and running restaurants shows there is nothing effeminate about cooking. Someday, the other boys will realize that Trevor actually has a lot of advantages they missed out on -- and they'll be envious instead of harassing. -- PROUD SISTER, PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR PROUD SISTER: Your brother handled the teasing with humor and confidence. However, not all children have the confidence to deal with it in such a sophisticated manner. A survey funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention determined that one in 13 students has been attacked or harassed because he or she was suspected of being gay. Four out of five of those individuals were actually heterosexual. Weapons have been banned from our school ground -- and words that are used as weapons don't belong there, either.

DEAR ABBY: We're having a discussion in our office about dating. A co-worker is going out with her husband tonight. She considers it a date, but another co-worker and I disagree. Of course, if you are married, you're allowed to go out with each other, but it's not considered a "date," is it? Abby, what do you think? -- CYNTHIA IN EL PASO

DEAR CYNTHIA: My trusty Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Edition) defines "date" as "an appointment to meet at a specified time; esp. a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." That definition describes the engagement your co-worker has with her husband, so she does indeed have a "date." Dating while married is a terrific way to keep romance alive -- don't you agree?

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my husband's sister asked us if we wanted an old schoolhouse bell she had purchased. She was moving and could not take it with her. Because we like antiques, we accepted her offer.

After much effort and paying to rent a moving truck -- the bell weighed 1,500 pounds -- my husband moved it to our house. It was so heavy he got it no farther than the top of our driveway, and there it sat for more than two years! It became obvious that the bell was just too large and heavy for us to do anything with. It would have cost us a small fortune to have someone build a stand for it, so I asked a local auctioneer if he could sell the bell for us.

When my sister-in-law learned I had sold the bell, she had a fit! She thought I should have asked her permission to sell the bell, as she had considered the bell only on "loan" to us. I never considered a 1,500-pound item that we paid to move, sitting in my driveway for more than two years, a "loan." I'm angry that this has caused such a rift in my husband's family.

I was always taught that when you are given something, it is yours to do with as you please. My husband feels caught in the middle, and we are now having marital problems for the first time in our 14-year marriage. What do you suggest? -- MELVA IN PHILLIPSBURG, N.J.

DEAR MELVA: I, too, have always thought that once a gift is given it belongs to the recipient to keep or dispose of as he or she wishes. However, the bell is gone and there is nothing any of you can do at this point to retrieve it. Perhaps offering to split the money you received for the bell will soothe your sister-in-law's wounded spirit. In any case, you and your husband should not let his sister's attitude sabotage your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 64th birthday, and even though I have read your column faithfully for many years, I never thought I would be writing you for advice. This is the dilemma:

I am computer literate, while my wife of 45 years has been somewhat apprehensive about attempting to learn computer basics. Our grandson is 14 and would very much like to have a computer. My wife is adamantly opposed to it at this time. She says that when he graduates from high school, she will contemplate getting him one. I say by that time our grandson would have lost valuable time and the opportunities that come from having knowledge of the computer. There are many youngsters who, upon completion of high school, are forced to go to work. Consequently, their formal education is set aside until later, or perhaps never.

My wish would be for our grandson to continue his formal education after graduating from high school. However, in the event that he does not, I think we should get him a computer NOW, so that he could gain the necessary knowledge to compete in the labor market. As you well know, almost every workplace now requires employees to have at least some knowledge of computers.

Whatever your answer is, I will honor it. If it is contrary to my thinking, I'll never again mention it to my wife. However, if you agree with me, please try to convince my wife that we are doing a disservice to our grandson by not getting him a computer now. Thank you. -- MANNY IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MANNY: I agree with you. Computer proficiency is a skill that students need today. Colleges, as well as employers, expect applicants to be computer literate. If your wife doubts this, she should place a call to some of the local high schools and inquire. Perhaps that will reassure her.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)