DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to reassure the mother of "Trevor," who fears that her son is gay because he prefers dancing and cooking to baseball cards and talking about girls. Twenty years ago, that could have described my brother, although you'd never guess it to see him today -- happily married to a lady who's happy to let him do the cooking in their home.

My brother was always small and shy, and although he had a number of female and male friends, he didn't date until college. While in junior high school and high school, a knee injury left him with only swimming and dance for gym class choices. He endured a lot of razzing about his sexuality when he dressed to go to a dance class with the girls while all the other guys were preparing to do "manly" activities such as wrestling.

Finally, my brother lost his tolerance and pointed out, "You are going into a class of sweaty, smelly guys in shorts and sweatshirts. I'm going into a class with girls in skintight leotards and tights. Who do you think is having a problem?" And that ended the discussion!

As for cooking, my brother has always been the better cook in our family, and he loved it at an early age. To this day, he takes cooking classes and cooks up gourmet feasts out of nothing.

The mother is correct to encourage her son's interests. Dancers are often in better shape than other athletes, and certainly the number of male chefs on TV and running restaurants shows there is nothing effeminate about cooking. Someday, the other boys will realize that Trevor actually has a lot of advantages they missed out on -- and they'll be envious instead of harassing. -- PROUD SISTER, PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR PROUD SISTER: Your brother handled the teasing with humor and confidence. However, not all children have the confidence to deal with it in such a sophisticated manner. A survey funded by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention determined that one in 13 students has been attacked or harassed because he or she was suspected of being gay. Four out of five of those individuals were actually heterosexual. Weapons have been banned from our school ground -- and words that are used as weapons don't belong there, either.

DEAR ABBY: We're having a discussion in our office about dating. A co-worker is going out with her husband tonight. She considers it a date, but another co-worker and I disagree. Of course, if you are married, you're allowed to go out with each other, but it's not considered a "date," is it? Abby, what do you think? -- CYNTHIA IN EL PASO

DEAR CYNTHIA: My trusty Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Edition) defines "date" as "an appointment to meet at a specified time; esp. a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." That definition describes the engagement your co-worker has with her husband, so she does indeed have a "date." Dating while married is a terrific way to keep romance alive -- don't you agree?

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DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my husband's sister asked us if we wanted an old schoolhouse bell she had purchased. She was moving and could not take it with her. Because we like antiques, we accepted her offer.

After much effort and paying to rent a moving truck -- the bell weighed 1,500 pounds -- my husband moved it to our house. It was so heavy he got it no farther than the top of our driveway, and there it sat for more than two years! It became obvious that the bell was just too large and heavy for us to do anything with. It would have cost us a small fortune to have someone build a stand for it, so I asked a local auctioneer if he could sell the bell for us.

When my sister-in-law learned I had sold the bell, she had a fit! She thought I should have asked her permission to sell the bell, as she had considered the bell only on "loan" to us. I never considered a 1,500-pound item that we paid to move, sitting in my driveway for more than two years, a "loan." I'm angry that this has caused such a rift in my husband's family.

I was always taught that when you are given something, it is yours to do with as you please. My husband feels caught in the middle, and we are now having marital problems for the first time in our 14-year marriage. What do you suggest? -- MELVA IN PHILLIPSBURG, N.J.

DEAR MELVA: I, too, have always thought that once a gift is given it belongs to the recipient to keep or dispose of as he or she wishes. However, the bell is gone and there is nothing any of you can do at this point to retrieve it. Perhaps offering to split the money you received for the bell will soothe your sister-in-law's wounded spirit. In any case, you and your husband should not let his sister's attitude sabotage your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Tomorrow I'll be celebrating my 64th birthday, and even though I have read your column faithfully for many years, I never thought I would be writing you for advice. This is the dilemma:

I am computer literate, while my wife of 45 years has been somewhat apprehensive about attempting to learn computer basics. Our grandson is 14 and would very much like to have a computer. My wife is adamantly opposed to it at this time. She says that when he graduates from high school, she will contemplate getting him one. I say by that time our grandson would have lost valuable time and the opportunities that come from having knowledge of the computer. There are many youngsters who, upon completion of high school, are forced to go to work. Consequently, their formal education is set aside until later, or perhaps never.

My wish would be for our grandson to continue his formal education after graduating from high school. However, in the event that he does not, I think we should get him a computer NOW, so that he could gain the necessary knowledge to compete in the labor market. As you well know, almost every workplace now requires employees to have at least some knowledge of computers.

Whatever your answer is, I will honor it. If it is contrary to my thinking, I'll never again mention it to my wife. However, if you agree with me, please try to convince my wife that we are doing a disservice to our grandson by not getting him a computer now. Thank you. -- MANNY IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR MANNY: I agree with you. Computer proficiency is a skill that students need today. Colleges, as well as employers, expect applicants to be computer literate. If your wife doubts this, she should place a call to some of the local high schools and inquire. Perhaps that will reassure her.

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DEAR ABBY: Please help us deal with a problem we have with a dear aunt.

Every time my husband and I visit her, she greets us by telling us we have gained a lot of weight, then proceeds to tell us about other family members who are also gaining weight. If we dine out, she comments on the amount of food we eat. We are active, and 25 to 30 years younger than Auntie. No one in the family has gained an excessive amount of weight.

She has already noticed that some family members don't visit as often, and her remarks about their weight are the reason.

I don't want to cause hurt feelings. Should we try to talk to her or just ignore her comments? -- AUNTIE'S NIECE

DEAR AUNTIE'S NIECE: Talk to her. The time to bring it up is the next time your aunt mentions that the relatives don't visit as often as they used to. Her comments may be well-intended, but they are extremely tactless.

DEAR ABBY: "Glad I Tried, Joliet, Ill.," who wondered if her comatose mother heard her when she said "I love you," may feel better after hearing my experience.

My aunt was a second mother to me. She kept me when I was a child and was there for me during my critical years. Later in life, I received a call from her daughter saying that she was in a coma and not expected to live. She was living in another state, but I rushed to her side. As I stood alone in her room, I saw her move the big toe on her right foot. I said, "If you can hear me, wiggle your right toe." She did! I then asked her to move her toe once for "yes" to my questions and twice for a "no" answer.

My talk with her lasted several hours. Although she was in a coma, she responded to my every question with the correct "yes" or "no" while I sat there and talked about our lives and the many experiences we had shared. During that time, I recalled many beautiful times, and I talked and laughed while she used her toe to "talk" to me. It was a moving experience that I cherish and will always remember. Two days later, my aunt passed away. -- JOHN W. BLACK, MARINA DEL REY, CALIF.

DEAR JOHN: How kind of you to take the time to write and confirm from your own personal experience that people in comas can hear and comprehend. I received a similar account from a widow in San Francisco. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: We were standing around my husband's bed, all so sad, when my son said, "Dad, this is Al. If you can hear me, wiggle your feet." Lo and behold, the covers moved. Then he said, "Dad, Uncle Frank and his wife are here. If you can hear me, shake your feet." You should have seen the covers!

Abby, please consider this proof-positive that people in a coma can hear. My darling was pretty well into the coma because he passed away about four hours later. -- SEVEN-YEAR WIDOW, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR WIDOW: My condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. Thank you for sharing your last precious moments with him so that others will know that as long as the breath of life is there, it is never too late to express your love and compassion for someone near and dear.

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