DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have discovered a terrific way to maintain a close long-distance relationship with our grandchildren who live several thousand miles away.

Kyle is 5 and Sarah is 3. Their attention spans are not yet long enough to allow extended phone conversations between visits, so we came up with the following idea. It works not only for the grandchildren and for us, it also gives their parents a break.

On the weekends, my husband and I visit our local bookstore and buy two identical "easy-reader" books. We keep one and send the other to the grandkids. Then, on a designated night each week, we call just before bedtime and read them their "night-night" story. Both children are snuggled in bed -- one with the bedroom phone and the other with a cordless phone. The children can read along with us because they have the same book we have.

After the story, the kids are eager to talk about it and other things.

We know that Kyle and Sarah go to bed at least one night a week secure in the knowledge that they are loved by their grandparents as well as their parents. An added bonus that should not be overlooked is that they are developing a love of books as well. -- CONNIE SAMPSELL, OVERLAND PARK, KAN.

DEAR CONNIE: You and your husband have come up with a wonderful method of building a strong relationship with your grandchildren and a clever means of building literacy. I congratulate you both.

DEAR ABBY: Four years ago I moved to a new town where I knew one person from a previous job. Over the years, our friendship has grown very close, and she has introduced me to many other people who have also become my friends.

A few weeks ago, I dropped by my friend's house on the spur of the moment and walked into a dinner/card party that included a group of these friends. I was very hurt and upset that I had not been invited.

My friend is angry with me for being upset and insists that there is no reason to be hurt. The six people included are all couples. I am single and admit I often feel left out.

Please advise. It's tough being single in a world that revolves around couples. Abby, do you think I'm being unreasonable or too sensitive? -- JUST ONE IN CORONA DEL MAR, CALIF.

DEAR JUST ONE: Yes, I do think you are being unreasonable. As close as you may feel to your friend, she is under no obligation to invite you to every gathering she hosts.

Since you often feel left out because you are single, begin exploring activities in your community for singles. It may also make you less dependent on your friend, which will be healthier for both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I have always wondered how to address food servers in restaurants. Do you call them "Sir" or "Miss" or "Waiter"? It is hard to call a food server "Miss" when she's more than 50 years old and may be married. See what I mean? -- RONALD IN OCEAN SPRINGS, MISS.

DEAR RONALD: Yes, I do see what you mean. Politely ask for the server's name, and use it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the parent of an adult man who has Down syndrome. He has many opportunities to be part of the community in addition to his job -- parties, weddings, going to stores, restaurants, movies, church.

The problem? When we are greeting people or leaving an event, complete strangers will shake hands with everyone else but hug my adult son. They do not hug anyone else. However, they think it is just fine to hug him because he is "different."

PLEASE, well-meaning folks, we parents and teachers and social workers work very hard so that our retarded adults can be accepted, productive members of the community. More important, though, is our real concern for their safety. We teach them to shake hands and greet others like "normal" people do. To be hugged by strangers is neither safe nor acceptable social behavior in our society. This behavior further sets our adult children apart as "they" and "people like that" when acceptance and inclusion is what is needed. It also confuses what we have been trying to teach.

Give them a job rather than a hug! Is it safe for your children to hug strangers? Do you hug strangers? It isn't safe for my son either! So please, smile, shake his hand and make him feel welcome. That will do more for him than a hug that diminishes his chances for safe independence in the world.

Abby, I believe I speak for many parents of retarded adults, as we have discussed this problem often. Thank you for getting this message out for all of us. -- CONCERNED MOTHER

DEAR CONCERNED: You have made your point, and I hope the well-meaning but patronizing huggers will get the message: It isn't acceptable to hug people you don't know. Inappropriate hugging sets a bad example. If the retarded adult imitates that behavior and initiates the hug, it could be misunderstood as sexually motivated.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife's brother has cancer and lives in another state. He has asked that I be a pallbearer at his funeral. My live-in girlfriend says there is no way that I should agree to do it. She thinks this is a plot that my ex-wife has hatched to be close to me.

Although I divorced my "ex," I still like her family and they like me.

My girlfriend says that since I am divorced, I should have nothing to do with any of my former in-laws or friends that we both share. I feel that it should be OK for me to talk with my ex-in-laws every now and then, and to see mutual friends as long as my ex-wife isn't the main topic of conversation. I think my girlfriend should trust me enough to let me talk without making accusations.

By the way, Abby, I have never cheated on my ex-wife or my girlfriend, but my girlfriend's ex-husband did cheat on her. She also played around a little on her ex-husband before they separated. What do you think? -- ANYONE, ANYWHERE, U.S.A.

DEAR ANYONE, ANYWHERE: I think you should be a pallbearer for your former brother-in-law, if it is in your heart to do so. I also think you should consider moving your live-in girlfriend out -- unless, of course, you want a lifetime with this insecure and controlling woman.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully and hope you'll print my letter for public awareness. Two years ago I met the man who would "sweep me off my feet." When I asked him what he did for a living, he said, "I am a certified chimney sweep."

Although I always "knew" that people who have fireplaces or wood stoves need to have their chimneys cleaned, I never realized that chimney sweeps save lives every day!

Many homeowners and landlords are unaware that chimneys -- or ANY heating systems -- need to be inspected every year.

With new heating technology, furnace appliances are more efficient. They put less heat up the chimney and more into the home, causing condensation that can damage a chimney at a remarkable rate. This can create blockages, water and structural damage to the home, as well as carbon monoxide poisoning.

Homeowners can check for many of these things by looking in the bottom of their chimney. If there is any debris or flaking inside, if they can't see to the top with a flashlight, if there are water stains or missing bricks, the homeowner should contact a certified chimney sweep to inspect the venting system. These professionals have the training to properly install, replace and repair venting systems to meet national codes for safety, and they are qualified to give the best and safest solutions to homeowners and their families. -- SWEPT OFF MY FEET IN PA.

DEAR SWEPT: Thank you for wanting to educate others about a danger many of us face without being aware of it. Homeowners, if you observe any of these warning signs, please contact a certified sweep and have your venting system inspected before you light your next fire (renters should contact their landlords). A certified chimney sweep is usually as close as your telephone directory.

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a group called "The Ya-Yas," who asked you to provide some words on friendship. I would like to submit a quote from Stephen E. Ambrose's book "Comrades" (Simon and Schuster, 1999). In his book, the author describes friendships between brothers, peers, father and son, combat buddies and others.

This quote is from the chapter on Lewis and Clark: "Friendship is different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, it is based on love. Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it knows neither criticism nor resentment. Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on a contract. So is marriage. Parents are bound by the law, as are children. But friendship is freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised.

"Friends never cheat each other, or take advantage, or lie. Friends do not spy on one another, yet they have no secrets. Friends glory in each other's successes and are downcast by the failures. Friends minister to each other, nurse each other. Friends give to each other, worry about each other, stand always ready to help. Perfect friendship is rarely achieved, but at its height it is an ecstasy." -- WILLIAM FRITTS, TEMECULA, CALIF.

DEAR WILLIAM: That's a terrific quote, and I'm sure it will be appreciated by more people than the Ya-Yas. The most precious gift one person can offer another is a hand outstretched in friendship.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)