DEAR ABBY: I am the director of a rehabilitation program for the chronically mentally ill. From time to time, I notice that you print letters that deal with stereotypes and negative attitudes society often holds toward certain groups. I wonder if you might print a similar letter on behalf of people who have a mental illness. One of the foremost issues facing this group is the negative prejudice that society holds against them.

I asked our group of patients to provide suggestions on how to treat a person who has a mental illness. Some of their ideas:

1. Don't be afraid of us. Despite what you see on TV and in the movies, studies have shown that the mentally ill population does not have a greater propensity toward violence than anyone else.

2. Please avoid negative stereotypical words such as "psycho," "nuts," "schizo," "loonies," etc. The emotional pain these dehumanizing words inflict upon us hurts worse than our illness does.

3. Give us a job opportunity. Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill, both of whom experienced mental illness, held two of the most important jobs in history. Many of us are intelligent and long for the chance to be productive members of society.

4. Please don't tell us that if we just tried harder we could "snap out of it." This insults our intelligence and implies that we are lazy. There is nothing fun or positive about having a mental illness and none of us choose to have it.

5. Be patient when you notice we are having a difficult time. It is OK to ask us if we need help.

6. Don't ask if we have taken our medication when we are angry, sad or irritable. These questions make us feel like we don't have the right to experience normal human emotions without being viewed as having an "episode."

7. Treat us like you would treat anyone else. We have a need for acceptance, just as you do. Most of us lead quite normal lives complete with families, children, employment and financial responsibilities.

Abby, with the help of recent medications and psychotherapy interventions, the treatment of mental illness has made tremendous strides in the last 10 years. Unfortunately, the prejudice against this group remains one of the most painful aspects of the disease. -- MIKE ASHWORTH, Ph.D., ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR DR. ASHWORTH: You have written a very important letter. There is a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding about mental illness. Some mental illnesses can be managed effectively with therapy and medication. Others can be cured entirely. People coping with mental illness have enough complicated challenges to overcome without having to deal with the irrational fears of the supposedly "normal."

Let's face it -- there are few among us who don't have a few "kinks" here or there.

DEAR ABBY: I need help. My neighbor likes to water his lawn using my garden hose and my water. My husband and I do not wish to have a fight over it since we have to live next door to him. Aside from installing a sprinkler system, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this?

When we see him, he pretends that he's watering our flowers -- but he's really watering his lawn. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: When you're finished watering your lawn, put the hose away in a locked shed or garage. Or consider installing a locking device on the handle of the spigot, making it more difficult for your shameless neighbor to tap into your water supply.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary next year. However, we conceived our first child four months before our marriage. We had always told our families that we were married six months before the actual date. We were both 18 years old and met when we were 15. Neither of us had ever had another partner, and we've had a good life together.

We raised four children (all married) and have four grandchildren. Nonetheless, we felt embarrassed and ashamed. We did not want our children to think we were promiscuous, and we feared that history might repeat itself.

Our children are planning a 40th anniversary party next year and are sending us on a trip overseas. My husband wants to tell them the truth because he feels guilty lying about the actual marriage date when they plan this expensive gift.

Abby, do you think we should tell them the truth, or leave it alone? -- NAMELESS, PLEASE

DEAR NAMELESS: I see no reason to bring this up now. I suggest you "leave it alone."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in reference to a very short letter from "On the Spot," who wanted to know what to say to nosy people who ask, "Isn't it about time you had kids?" when you aren't planning on having any. Your answer was on target; however, I think "On the Spot" was really hinting at a much larger issue -- people assuming that everyone wants a spouse and/or children.

My husband and I struggled with our decision not to have children for three years before his vasectomy. During that time, I began to dread the family get-togethers that used to mean so much. Subtle hints and flat-out blunt questions were present in every holiday visit. This additional pressure was almost unbearable. Finally, I decided enough is enough -- the next person to ask will get an honest answer instead of being "tuned out."

My sister-in-law "Marge" (who has a habit of speaking without thinking) asked, right before the birth of her second child, when she could send the maternity clothes to my house. I thought her jaw was going to break the way it fell to the floor when I said, "Never" and changed the subject.

I've found it's a lot less stressful to speak my mind and make a few waves than to hold in my comments and feel my blood boil. I would like to remind people to THINK before they speak. Sometimes silence is much more comfortable than personal questions in an attempt to "make conversation." -- NOT A TALKER IN NEBRASKA

DEAR NOT A TALKER: I agree with that philosophy. Some people ask questions as a means of carrying on a conversation and getting the other person talking. However, they should take care that the questions are tactful and not too personal. Asking people why they don't have children is definitely out of bounds.

Believe it or not, being a good listener will do more for someone than being a glib talker.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK": "The ideal marriage is not one in which two people marry to be happy, but to make each other happy." (Roy L. Smith, 1887-1963, Methodist minister)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son is marrying a wonderful lady in a few short weeks. My problem is, he's insisting that I dance with his father, whom I divorced a few years ago.

My divorce was very hard on me, but afterward I lived my life without fear -- until now. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom my son appears to like. I am so upset over this request that I touch or put my arms around my ex-husband that I don't know what to do. This man put me through pure hell before I left, and my son knows it. When I left I had nothing. My parents paid for my divorce, apartment and my son's college education.

His father lied, would bring his girlfriend into our home with us there, never paid bills, even borrowed our son's cell phone, ran up $900 in charges and refused to pay. When an important event is going on in my son's life, I'm there and always civil to his father. But I will not let that man touch me ever again.

Please help me. I want to attend the wedding, but I can't stand the idea of my ex touching me. I'm shaking as I write this. -- SHAKING IN HARRISBURG, PA.

DEAR SHAKING: Stop shaking and speak up! Tell your son and his fiancee that you will not, under any circumstances, dance with your ex. Your reasons are valid; perhaps your son needs to be reminded of them.

DEAR ABBY: You stated to "Roman Catholic in New Jersey," who talked about a time in years past where we in America were more "tolerant and caring" toward our neighbors, that you remember a gentler time when "America pictured itself more a melting pot and less a patchwork quilt."

A gentler time for whom? Certainly not for ethnic minorities, whoever they happened to be at any time in our history. Whether they be Irish, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Hispanic, African-American, etc., all were and some remain excluded from mainstream America. The patchwork quilt you mention is a product of that exclusion -- and to think otherwise is looking at reality through rose-colored glasses.

A glaring example of that exclusion is here in Los Angeles. It is common knowledge that the fall television schedule has all but eradicated any sense of inclusion, with programming almost exclusively comprising white actors. Los Angeles is one of the largest multicultural cities in the world!

I certainly agree with you about how this world would be a more hospitable place if attitudes were more inclusive, and I recognize the efforts of individuals and organizations that work toward that goal. But please do not continue to perpetuate the myth about the so-called "gentler time." -- IRMA R. BARRAGAN, MOORPARK, CALIF.

DEAR IRMA: Perhaps the "good old days" weren't so good for everybody. American history is a collection of events -- many of which we can point to with pride, some of which are deplorable. Although we can learn from the mistakes of the past, we cannot change them. We can change only the future.

Flawed as it may seem to be, the United States of America still stands as the No. 1 land of opportunity in the world.

P.S. Let's hope the fall television schedule is a temporary aberration.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)