DEAR ABBY: My husband and I will celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary next year. However, we conceived our first child four months before our marriage. We had always told our families that we were married six months before the actual date. We were both 18 years old and met when we were 15. Neither of us had ever had another partner, and we've had a good life together.

We raised four children (all married) and have four grandchildren. Nonetheless, we felt embarrassed and ashamed. We did not want our children to think we were promiscuous, and we feared that history might repeat itself.

Our children are planning a 40th anniversary party next year and are sending us on a trip overseas. My husband wants to tell them the truth because he feels guilty lying about the actual marriage date when they plan this expensive gift.

Abby, do you think we should tell them the truth, or leave it alone? -- NAMELESS, PLEASE

DEAR NAMELESS: I see no reason to bring this up now. I suggest you "leave it alone."

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in reference to a very short letter from "On the Spot," who wanted to know what to say to nosy people who ask, "Isn't it about time you had kids?" when you aren't planning on having any. Your answer was on target; however, I think "On the Spot" was really hinting at a much larger issue -- people assuming that everyone wants a spouse and/or children.

My husband and I struggled with our decision not to have children for three years before his vasectomy. During that time, I began to dread the family get-togethers that used to mean so much. Subtle hints and flat-out blunt questions were present in every holiday visit. This additional pressure was almost unbearable. Finally, I decided enough is enough -- the next person to ask will get an honest answer instead of being "tuned out."

My sister-in-law "Marge" (who has a habit of speaking without thinking) asked, right before the birth of her second child, when she could send the maternity clothes to my house. I thought her jaw was going to break the way it fell to the floor when I said, "Never" and changed the subject.

I've found it's a lot less stressful to speak my mind and make a few waves than to hold in my comments and feel my blood boil. I would like to remind people to THINK before they speak. Sometimes silence is much more comfortable than personal questions in an attempt to "make conversation." -- NOT A TALKER IN NEBRASKA

DEAR NOT A TALKER: I agree with that philosophy. Some people ask questions as a means of carrying on a conversation and getting the other person talking. However, they should take care that the questions are tactful and not too personal. Asking people why they don't have children is definitely out of bounds.

Believe it or not, being a good listener will do more for someone than being a glib talker.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK": "The ideal marriage is not one in which two people marry to be happy, but to make each other happy." (Roy L. Smith, 1887-1963, Methodist minister)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son is marrying a wonderful lady in a few short weeks. My problem is, he's insisting that I dance with his father, whom I divorced a few years ago.

My divorce was very hard on me, but afterward I lived my life without fear -- until now. I am engaged to a wonderful man whom my son appears to like. I am so upset over this request that I touch or put my arms around my ex-husband that I don't know what to do. This man put me through pure hell before I left, and my son knows it. When I left I had nothing. My parents paid for my divorce, apartment and my son's college education.

His father lied, would bring his girlfriend into our home with us there, never paid bills, even borrowed our son's cell phone, ran up $900 in charges and refused to pay. When an important event is going on in my son's life, I'm there and always civil to his father. But I will not let that man touch me ever again.

Please help me. I want to attend the wedding, but I can't stand the idea of my ex touching me. I'm shaking as I write this. -- SHAKING IN HARRISBURG, PA.

DEAR SHAKING: Stop shaking and speak up! Tell your son and his fiancee that you will not, under any circumstances, dance with your ex. Your reasons are valid; perhaps your son needs to be reminded of them.

DEAR ABBY: You stated to "Roman Catholic in New Jersey," who talked about a time in years past where we in America were more "tolerant and caring" toward our neighbors, that you remember a gentler time when "America pictured itself more a melting pot and less a patchwork quilt."

A gentler time for whom? Certainly not for ethnic minorities, whoever they happened to be at any time in our history. Whether they be Irish, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Hispanic, African-American, etc., all were and some remain excluded from mainstream America. The patchwork quilt you mention is a product of that exclusion -- and to think otherwise is looking at reality through rose-colored glasses.

A glaring example of that exclusion is here in Los Angeles. It is common knowledge that the fall television schedule has all but eradicated any sense of inclusion, with programming almost exclusively comprising white actors. Los Angeles is one of the largest multicultural cities in the world!

I certainly agree with you about how this world would be a more hospitable place if attitudes were more inclusive, and I recognize the efforts of individuals and organizations that work toward that goal. But please do not continue to perpetuate the myth about the so-called "gentler time." -- IRMA R. BARRAGAN, MOORPARK, CALIF.

DEAR IRMA: Perhaps the "good old days" weren't so good for everybody. American history is a collection of events -- many of which we can point to with pride, some of which are deplorable. Although we can learn from the mistakes of the past, we cannot change them. We can change only the future.

Flawed as it may seem to be, the United States of America still stands as the No. 1 land of opportunity in the world.

P.S. Let's hope the fall television schedule is a temporary aberration.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Bored in Roanoke, Va.," the twice-divorced man who asked for your help in changing his life, prompts this letter. Please pass this message on to him:

DEAR BORED: No one "finds" happiness. Happiness is not to be found in another person, place or thing. Happiness comes from within. The first thing you need to do is change your thinking about being "middle-aged" in your 40s. I'm 63 and find it hard to think of myself as "middle-aged" -- much less the senior citizen I really am.

Attitudes are learned. You can learn to think of others instead of thinking of yourself all the time. No one is going to "make" you happy. You will not find a happy person until you, yourself, are happy. Like attracts like. Always act interested in others. Find out all you can about the person you are with. Do good things for others and soon you'll feel good about yourself.

Be thankful each day: thankful you live in America, thankful for your health, your family, your friends, your job, your home and your pet(s). Look around you. Smile. It takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown. Life is wonderful if you THINK it's wonderful, and it stinks if you think it stinks. Most of your story hasn't been written yet, and the end is up to you. Make it happen. -- SHIRLEY IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR SHIRLEY: With an attitude like yours, I'm sure you're a force to be reckoned with and the center of a large circle of friends. People love the company of those who make them feel good about themselves.

Many readers wanted to reach out and help "Bored in Roanoke." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Didn't anything ring a bell with you when "Bored in Roanoke" said he didn't enjoy life and could not find happiness anymore? Those are strong statements. Possibly this man should seek help from a professional to determine whether or not he's suffering from depression. Those two statements show that the man clearly has met two of the criteria for depression. Depression is terribly scary, very dark, and deeper than the deepest. If that's where he is, he doesn't have to stay there, and he should know it. -- LIZ IN SOLON, IOWA

DEAR LIZ: You are a caring woman. I agree with you that if "Bored's" symptoms persist, medical help is indicated. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Bored" may also want to find a divorce support group in the Roanoke area. Many people do not realize that people who have been through a divorce need to go through a grieving process for their lost relationship, and may need help in rebuilding their self-esteem. Without help and support, many divorced people shut down emotionally to avoid possible future hurt.

Many communities have divorce support groups, often through a local church. These are NOT dating groups, but opportunities to connect with others who understand the needs of divorced people. It is vital that we heal ourselves before getting involved in new relationships. -- MARTHA IN GRANTS PASS, ORE.

DEAR MARTHA: Thank you for the helpful input. I'm sure it will be of interest to many people. Support and empathy can do wonders in healing a broken heart.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)