DEAR ABBY: My husband is a well-known surgeon, and we have two beautiful children together. One morning we awoke and made love.

Then he went off to the hospital and I left to do some errands. When I returned later in the day I was shocked to find that our house had been burglarized -- the furniture, artwork, electronic equipment had all been taken.

I called my husband's office to tell him the bad news, and his receptionist told me my husband was not available and gave me the number of his attorney. When I called the lawyer, I was told to come to the office to sign some settlement papers -- there was a check for $20,000 waiting for me that I could have if I agreed to give up custody of the children. When I called my husband's parents, who are prominent people in this community, they urged me to take it and leave the state so my husband could have a happy life with a new wife. Needless to say, I was in shock.

When I tried to hire a lawyer to represent me, I discovered that my credit cards had been revoked and our bank accounts had been cleaned out.

Abby, I never saw this coming. Do you think I'm right to stay and fight for my children? -- IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR IN SHOCK AND HEARTBROKEN: You have my respect for deciding to fight for your children against such odds, and I hope you prevail. Your husband must be a brilliant surgeon to have amputated a beating heart and left the subject viable enough for a custody battle.

Your unfortunate predicament demonstrates how important it is for a married woman to have credit and sole access to a sum of money to tide her over in case of the sudden death of a spouse or, God forbid, desertion. It's one of today's realities.

DEAR ABBY: "R.I.P'd Off in Walla Walla, Wash." complained that his father's grave has only a military marker and no gravestone. He also stated that the marker was sinking. He felt the fact that his father didn't have a gravestone was a sign of disrespect, but was unsure about approaching his mother about it.

Abby, the bronze marker he referred to was provided by the Department of Veterans Affairs. Those markers are attractive. When my mother passed away, we purchased a bronze marker for her that matches those of my father and brother -- both veterans.

If the marker is indeed sinking, he should contact the caretakers of the cemetery. They are responsible for assuring that the grounds and markers within the cemetery are properly cared for. When a marker is out of adjustment, it is their job to reset it properly. Sign me ... A VETERAN IN ARIZONA

DEAR VETERAN: A number of veterans wrote to tell me that the bronze marker provided by the VA is a type of gravestone, and one which "R.I.P'd Off" should be proud to have adorn his father's final resting place. Thank you for pointing out that the responsibility for maintaining the gravesite belongs to the cemetery caretakers, including resetting the markers when necessary.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, the most beautiful woman in the world came into my life. I'll call her "Mary." We dated for seven months before she started asking for a proposal. I happily agreed, and in 1993 we were married.

Two years later, she convinced me that we should buy a house. A year after that, she said she wanted to have cats in our home. I don't care too much for cats, but I gave in to two cats.

Then she started yearning for children. When we married, we both realized that she could not get pregnant. So she began inquiring into adoption. I wasn't too fond of the idea of bringing a child into our home when we knew little about its medical or psychiatric history. Again, to make her happy, I agreed. Now don't get me wrong -- not a day goes by that I don't look at my son and thank God for him.

Then Mary wanted to help us get ahead financially. We both agreed that she would be the one to return to college, since we could not afford to lose my income and my study habits are not great. So we struggled for two years to put her through school.

After a while, Mary started going out with her friends from school for a few hours. Then the outings turned into all-nighters. Keep in mind, my son and I were at home while she was out partying with money we couldn't afford. Eventually she confessed to me that she'd had a fling with a guy she met. I forgave her by telling her that six years was too much time to throw away over one mistake.

Two months ago, she told me she doesn't want to be married anymore. She moved in with her mother. We alternate weeks with our son, but he has trouble staying with her. Part of the reason may be that she yells at him for every little thing he does wrong. He's only 5 years old.

Two days ago, she informed me that she's moving to Florida for an opportunity to attend school and have a good job. Mary does not want our son to come with her. In fact, she says she doesn't want him at all. Sometimes she says she wishes she could take him back to the agency.

Abby, I gave my wife everything she wanted -- a house, an education, a son and plenty more. Now she's leaving me high and dry to cope with the responsibilities of paying the bills and being a parent. So much for deadbeat fathers.

Care to offer any advice? -- DESERTED IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR DESERTED: Only this, and it's offered with my sympathy for the treatment you have received from this immature and self-centered woman. The house will appreciate in value, and the emotional and psychic gratification you will receive from raising your son are priceless. If you can let Mary go without bitterness, you will be the winner in the long run. And please, consider counseling for both you and your son to help you through the heartbreak in the aftermath of this desertion.

DEAR ABBY: Is the mother of the bride supposed to ride with the bride in the limo on the way to the ceremony, or should I drive myself? -- THERESA IN VERNON, CONN.

DEAR THERESA: Ride in the limo with your daughter, dear lady. You deserve a little pampering.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 years old and have been happily married for three years. My husband is the man of my dreams. We are both hard-working and save most of our earnings to meet future goals.

My problem is his mother and father mismanage their money terribly. Throughout their lives, no matter how much money they made, they spent more. During the past 30 years, when they overspent on phone bills, dinners out, massages, etc., they would ask for money from her brother.

Recently my father-in-law took early retirement because he is in poor health due to years of smoking and poor diet. His entire pension was used to pay off their house and accumulated debts. If they had watched their spending, I believe they would have enough through Social Security and her paycheck to pay their bills -- yet they are still spending frivolously, acquiring new debt and asking us for money.

This isn't the first time they have asked and received at inopportune moments when we really needed the money ourselves -- such as just before our wedding and at Christmas. As I was writing the most recent check a couple of weeks ago, my mother-in-law laughed and said, "If you think I know how to spend, you should see my friend 'Mary'!"

I thought to myself, we would all love to spend, spend, spend, but it shouldn't be done unless one has the means. I want to be a fair person, but now every time I think of my in-laws I fear they are going to one day wipe us out. How can I prevent it? -- DROWNING IN THEIR DEBT

DEAR DROWNING: There has been a role reversal here. Your in-laws are acting like children and you and your husband have been thrust into the role of reluctant parents. If the two of you continue bailing them out, they will never quit their frivolous spending.

You and your husband must stand firm on this. Enough is enough. Your in-laws may need some counseling in prudent financial management. If that is not an option, volumes have been written on the subject.

Saying no won't be easy, but it's important that you draw the line now!

DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old, happily married and have two children. My 4 1/2-year-old is the result of a previous relationship. Her father left me when he found out I was pregnant and didn't show up until shortly before the delivery date. He wanted me back, so I moved back in with him. A week before our daughter was born, he dumped me again.

Abby, I am now married to a wonderful man I met within days after my daughter's birth. He adopted her and is the only father she's ever known.

I know she must be told, but when would be the best age to tell her about her birth father? -- CLUELESS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR CLUELESS: As soon as your daughter is old enough to understand the difference between "biological father" and "adoptive father," begin telling her the story. Tell her only as much as she wants to know and fill in more details later, when she has a need to know and asks you questions. Be sure to let her know that she is special -- and that her daddy fell in love with BOTH of you at first sight.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)