DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, when I was a volunteer at a Veterans Hospital, I went into a room to visit a World War II veteran. His wife and grown children were arguing loudly and trying to get him involved. He looked at them for a while, and silently turned over. The visitors didn't notice me or the doctor who came in behind me; they just kept blaming each other about something. We both walked out and I noticed the doctor shaking his head in disbelief.

Not long ago when I was recovering from a five-way bypass and a stroke on the operating table, my roommate's wife and daughter came in to tell him about all the troubles they were having at home. The poor man had enough troubles of his own. I later mentioned it to a nurse. She told me that all the hospital patients have the same problem.

Hospitals should have a sign at the entrance that reads: "Leave your troubles at home while visiting patients." -- ERNEST A. SCHICHLER SR., COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR ERNEST: I agree. Subjecting patients who are sick enough to be hospitalized to additional stress is hardly therapeutic. Tranquility should be the order of the day.

And while I'm at it, visiting hours should be respected because patients need their rest.

DEAR ABBY: I'm so angry I'm seeing red! When my nephew recently married, relatives gave his future bride and him a shower. We live 1,100 miles away, so I assumed the invitation we received had been sent as a polite gesture. We can't afford to travel that distance for either the wedding or the shower.

My husband and I decided to send an expensive gift for the wedding instead of two smaller gifts for each occasion. We explained this to our sister-in-law. She was so offended that she dug out two unused gifts she had received, wrapped them, signed our names, and presented them to the bridal couple at the shower!

When I learned of this, I was livid. I felt like a fool being thanked for the gifts. Abby, don't you think I have the right to determine which gifts I give and to whom? Was that tacky? We're not kids -- my husband and I are both in our 40s. -- DUMBFOUNDED IN TEXAS

DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Yes, it was tacky and I don't blame you for being peeved. Since you were unable to attend either the wedding or the shower, you were very generous to have sent a wedding gift. Your sister-in-law's gesture may have been well-meant, but it was out of line.

DEAR ABBY: A lot has been said about the health benefits from quitting smoking. I have an extra benefit I'd like to mention.

I was a smoker for more than 50 years. During the last 20 years, I smoked three packs a day.

When I finally decided to quit in 1997, I began putting aside the money I would have spent on cigarettes. In November of '98 I took my wife and two young grandchildren from Oregon to Disneyworld in Florida for eight days.

I'm still not smoking, still saving and plan to take my wife and oldest granddaughter to Hawaii in April of 2000.

Abby, my health is better now and I'm really enjoying retirement. Sign me ... HAPPY TRAVELER, TIGARD, ORE.

DEAR HAPPY TRAVELER: Congratulations -- and aloha!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As a devoted Muslim reader, I support Mavis Leno's efforts for the women of Afghanistan.

The purpose of my letter is to inform your readers that the suppression of women in Afghanistan or any other Muslim country is falsely attributed to the teachings of Islam. In fact, the acts of emancipation promoted by the Prophet gave women a place of honor and respect in seventh-century Arabia. For instance, during the battles that were fought in the beginning of Islam, women worked in the field, nursing and comforting the wounded. They were neither sheltered nor shunned.

In my readings of the Holy Koran and Hadith, I have not seen any edict that would justify the treatment meted out to these hapless women in these so-called Islamic regimes. -- NO NAME IN N.J.

DEAR NO NAME: Since most of my readers are unfamiliar with the teachings of the Koran, thank you for making it clear that the plight of the Afghan women originated in the hearts of fanatics, and not in the Koran.

DEAR ABBY: You were right when you said that the doggerel written in response to the poem honoring mothers-in-law would raise eyebrows -- but not the way you expected it to.

I'm not a mother-in-law objecting to this doggerel as poking fun at all good mother-in-laws around the world. I am a man. I'm not here to rush to the defense of the decent men who don't behave in ways the doggerel described. However, my eyebrow arched at the implied message that his behavior might be suitable grounds for divorce. While the daughter-in-law's outlook may be tongue-in-cheek, I think you'll like the way this poem states my point in the same spirit. -- ROBERT FERDINAND JR., FRIDLEY, MINN.

DEAR ROBERT: You are a talented as well as sensible man. You're right; I do like the way you make a point. Read on:

CAN WE TALK, HONEY?

(A Mother-in-Law Responds)

You told him "I do," and I once gave you credit

For thinking it through, Dear --

BEFORE you had said it.

You judge him as shiftless and lazy,

So be it!

Yet he lived his life out

Where the whole world could see it!

So how did he fool you?

I'd like to know why

You could give every foible

Of his the blind eye.

Was that any way to go choosing a mate,

With your hormones so raging

You couldn't think straight?

Or was it the lure of his six-digit pay

That convinced you to take him,

And change him someday?

But it hasn't worked out

In the way you had planned.

Now you're hoping to dump him

And see him unmanned.

Yes, you sound quite dramatic

But I won't lose heart!

'Cause the problem is YOURS, Dear --

'Til death do you part!

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I look up to like an older sister. We enjoy visiting with her and her family, as well as vacationing with them. We sometimes camp out together, too.

The problem: She and her husband discipline our children right in front of us! I refuse to see our children humiliated, and when I try to defend them, it starts an argument among all of us. Now our children hesitate to do anything around them for fear of being disciplined.

Abby, my husband and I would never dream of disciplining another's child. We believe that parents should discipline their own children. How do we resolve this problem without alienating our friends? We don't want to sacrifice the friendship. -- MOTHER ON THE DEFENSIVE

DEAR MOTHER: Make it plain to your friends that should your children need discipline, you and your husband will administer it. If that doesn't solve the problem, then the only alternative is to curtail your visits with these friends. It's unfortunate, but your children's welfare must take first priority.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," can't understand why our 10-year-old son, "Tony," is "hard of hearing" when he talks to him. Maybe it's because Nick talks so loud that our son tunes him out.

I suggested that Nick ask Tony why he doesn't listen to him, but Nick gets mad at me and insists that he MUST talk loud to get through to Tony.

Abby, our son is not hard of hearing, and I think Tony doesn't follow instructions because of the way his father talks to him. I also think the one who really isn't "listening" is my husband.

Any advice? -- TONY'S MOM

DEAR TONY'S MOM: There's a power struggle going on, and your husband thinks he can win it by shouting. Family counseling could help him gain some insight and communicate more effectively with Tony. If your husband refuses, I recommend earplugs for you until Tony leaves for college.

DEAR ABBY: You missed the boat in your response to "Furious in Spanish Port, Ala.," whose husband expected her to entertain his long-estranged father while he attended a social event.

You said, "It is important to your husband, so try to be gracious."

Abby, if Dad were so important to "Furious'" hubby, wouldn't you think hubby would decline the social event and tend to Dad himself? Even an important business-related social event can be declined or cut short due to a visit from a father one has only seen three times in the past 45 years. -- ALISON IN PIEDMONT, CALIF.

DEAR ALISON: I was not prepared for the amount of criticism I received for my response to "Furious," so I will try to explain it. Many couples have emotional "issues" regarding their parents because of the way they were (or weren't) raised, and if possible it's better to resolve them while the parents are still living. Her husband asked her to suspend her anger and judgmental attitude and help him out. As a loving wife and helpmate, if it's possible for her to do so, I think she should.

I am not saying the long-absent father should be allowed to move in or take liberties. I'm saying only that she should be as charming as possible and give the man a fair hearing until her husband arrives.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)