DEAR ABBY: I have a dear friend I look up to like an older sister. We enjoy visiting with her and her family, as well as vacationing with them. We sometimes camp out together, too.

The problem: She and her husband discipline our children right in front of us! I refuse to see our children humiliated, and when I try to defend them, it starts an argument among all of us. Now our children hesitate to do anything around them for fear of being disciplined.

Abby, my husband and I would never dream of disciplining another's child. We believe that parents should discipline their own children. How do we resolve this problem without alienating our friends? We don't want to sacrifice the friendship. -- MOTHER ON THE DEFENSIVE

DEAR MOTHER: Make it plain to your friends that should your children need discipline, you and your husband will administer it. If that doesn't solve the problem, then the only alternative is to curtail your visits with these friends. It's unfortunate, but your children's welfare must take first priority.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Nick," can't understand why our 10-year-old son, "Tony," is "hard of hearing" when he talks to him. Maybe it's because Nick talks so loud that our son tunes him out.

I suggested that Nick ask Tony why he doesn't listen to him, but Nick gets mad at me and insists that he MUST talk loud to get through to Tony.

Abby, our son is not hard of hearing, and I think Tony doesn't follow instructions because of the way his father talks to him. I also think the one who really isn't "listening" is my husband.

Any advice? -- TONY'S MOM

DEAR TONY'S MOM: There's a power struggle going on, and your husband thinks he can win it by shouting. Family counseling could help him gain some insight and communicate more effectively with Tony. If your husband refuses, I recommend earplugs for you until Tony leaves for college.

DEAR ABBY: You missed the boat in your response to "Furious in Spanish Port, Ala.," whose husband expected her to entertain his long-estranged father while he attended a social event.

You said, "It is important to your husband, so try to be gracious."

Abby, if Dad were so important to "Furious'" hubby, wouldn't you think hubby would decline the social event and tend to Dad himself? Even an important business-related social event can be declined or cut short due to a visit from a father one has only seen three times in the past 45 years. -- ALISON IN PIEDMONT, CALIF.

DEAR ALISON: I was not prepared for the amount of criticism I received for my response to "Furious," so I will try to explain it. Many couples have emotional "issues" regarding their parents because of the way they were (or weren't) raised, and if possible it's better to resolve them while the parents are still living. Her husband asked her to suspend her anger and judgmental attitude and help him out. As a loving wife and helpmate, if it's possible for her to do so, I think she should.

I am not saying the long-absent father should be allowed to move in or take liberties. I'm saying only that she should be as charming as possible and give the man a fair hearing until her husband arrives.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 16-year-old girl with wonderful parents and a great little sister who is 13. My mom just had a third child. My brother's name is "Nathan." He is 6 months old now and I don't think any baby could be more loved.

Because my mother works part time, I take care of my brother for a few hours each day.

The problem is that when I take him for a walk or to the mall, I am faced with disapproving looks and rude comments from adults who obviously think he is my baby. I see people shake their heads when I walk by, and I hear them mutter about irresponsible teen-agers.

I don't know how to respond to people like that, but I do know that adults should stop seeing something wrong with every situation they encounter. They seem to think my entire generation is hopeless. This is far from the truth.

Abby, how should I deal with this situation when I next encounter it? -- SWEET 16, SEATTLE

DEAR SWEET 16: I know it's far from the truth, and you shouldn't be put in the position where you feel you "must respond" to disapproving looks and rude remarks from strangers. Have a T-shirt made for your little brother bearing the message: "She's My Sister!"

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters in your column about children's behavior in restaurants, I had to write.

When my current husband and I began dating, we had three toddlers between us. Two were his, one was mine. The youngest, his 1-year-old, ran wild. I was ashamed and embarrassed. The two girls were fine. (His daughter was 3 and mine was 2.) But oh, that son! He threw temper tantrums, insisted on a particular cup or plate or he wouldn't eat, stood on chairs and benches, etc. He was spoiled rotten, and I told my husband so. I also told him it was wrong to allow such behavior. It didn't faze him.

One day we were in a restaurant, and a stranger came to our table and said, "You two have three beautiful children. What a shame that your son's behavior is all I'll remember when we leave."

What an impact that made! My husband began right then and there teaching his son acceptable behavior.

Three years ago, on an airplane flight, a flight attendant approached my husband and said, "Your three kids are so polite. They say please and thank you. Half the adults on this flight could learn from them!" The kids were 12, 13 and 14 at that time. We were, and still are, so proud. And the son, who is now 15, is a very well-mannered gentleman.

So obviously, children will do what the parent allows. -- STEPMOM IN TAMPA

DEAR STEPMOM: Absolutely! And that's why it's important for parents to set limits for their children. How else are they going to learn what is acceptable and what is not?

YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: A woman came home from work and found a note from her husband. It said: "Your doctor's office called. Your Pabst beer is normal!" -- ANNE B. WARZYN, KANSAS CITY, MO.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My family attends a local church, and we have made many friends within this congregation. However, there is one family in this congregation who wears out the welcome mat at our home, and I don't know how to handle it without making enemies.

For Memorial Day, we were having a picnic in our back yard with some friends. "Mr. Uninvited" drove by and, seeing that we had guests, "stopped in" and invited himself for dinner after asking, "What do you have for me to drink?" When a beer was offered, he responded, "Oh, this cheap brand -- don't you have anything else?"

It upsets me that he has the nerve to invite himself when it is obvious that we're having company and he was not invited. I would never do that to him. Then, the insults we hear if we're serving only hamburgers and hot dogs and not having surf and turf, really put the icing on the cake. He always comes "empty-handed," which does not improve the situation.

This is a family of four. The father and son are the worst offenders. They are a middle-class family, like us, so it's not a case of "he won't eat tonight if I don't feed him." In addition, they have never once invited us to their home.

I have on several occasions made remarks, trying to drop the hint that they are not welcome to barge into my home on all occasions, but he just doesn't "get it." I don't want to make an enemy, but I cannot tolerate his rudeness anymore. Any suggestions? -- NEEDS HELP WITH THE VISITORS

DEAR NEEDS HELP: I've often said, "If people take advantage of you once, shame on them -- if it happens more than once, shame on YOU."

You are being imposed upon, and it will continue until you take a firm stand. The next time the freeloader drops by when you are entertaining, say: "It's not convenient to have you visit us now. We'll see you another time."

If it costs you a friendship, you haven't lost much.

DEAR ABBY: I was very disappointed in the advice you gave "Brokenhearted in Lake Forest, Ill." You advised her to put a rubber band around her wrist and snap it each time she thought about her ex-boyfriend because the pain inflicted on her wrist would distract her from the pain in her heart.

Abby, I work with a population of people who use this approach to the pain in their lives. They cut on themselves to take away their mental pain. It becomes very addictive and they cannot stop doing it.

A snap of a rubber band to remove the other pain is alarmingly close. It can lead to further self-abuse or mutilation.

Please offer the woman better advice: to take a long walk, deep breaths, hot baths, or to count the many things she has to be thankful for! -- BRENDA HENDERSON, CORVALLIS, ORE., MENTAL HEALTH ASSOCIATION

DEAR BRENDA: Although the rubber band technique is a very old one for behavior modification, the letters I have received from you and several people who identified themselves as "cutters" were eye-openers. While the majority of people are not masochistic, in the future I'll recommend positive, rather than negative, reinforcement.

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