DEAR ABBY: I have a 21-year-old daughter who has three semesters left in college and a well-paying, part-time co-op job. She still lives at home with us. All that we ask of her is that she come home at night, take turns with her sisters doing the dishes and one chore a week.

My husband works 45-plus hours a week at his job and 15-plus hours a week on our small business. I am disabled and unable to do much around the house. My daughter doesn't always come home at night, and while she has time to sleep until 2 p.m. on weekends and time for her boyfriend, she does not make time to do her chores.

I do not want to kick her out and possibly jeopardize her college education, but she's too old to ground. I'm thinking of having her pay $100 a month for rent (this would be no hardship for her), as it seems she uses our home like a hotel and disregards our wishes. Your thoughts, please. -- OUT OF OPTIONS

DEAR OUT OF OPTIONS: I see nothing wrong with the idea. Since your daughter feels she's old enough to disregard the rules of the house, and giving you $100 a month would not be a financial hardship, that's what she should do.

DEAR ABBY: Friends of ours -- not too close, not too distant -- have a son who is being married for the second time. The wedding will be held 3,000 miles from where we live.

I have just found out that we will be receiving an invitation anyway, because we lived there 30 years ago. They know that we would not fly out for the wedding.

When this man was married the first time, we gave them a nice wedding gift. We also sent one when he graduated from high school and from college.

Must I send them a gift when the invitation arrives? I think these folks are just out for the gifts. My husband said he plans to throw the invitation in the trash as soon as he sees it. Please advise. -- AT A LOSS IN RICHMOND, VA.

DEAR AT A LOSS: Guests who are unable to attend a wedding need not send a gift. When the invitation arrives, send your regrets and a warm note congratulating the couple and wishing them every happiness. Period.

DEAR ABBY: I feel that I must respond to the 31-year-old woman whose "live-in" wants to be married secretly. I know the results of what has ensued in a similar situation.

The man had been married before and had a daughter. Although he had been separated from his wife for many years, they had never been divorced. The latter "wife" only discovered this when the man became seriously ill and his daughter was contacted.

You once printed something that I have never forgotten: "O what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." -- A GRATEFUL READER WHOM YOU ONCE HELPED

DEAR GRATEFUL READER: I agree that the proposal of a secret marriage should not only raise a few eyebrows, but some suspicions as well. And I cannot take credit for that quote. It came from Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832) -- and it's certainly appropriate.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old divorcee who is soon to be remarried, and already I am having trouble with the "in-laws." I have never encountered people so rude in all my life. They refuse to have anything to do with me.

My fiance's parents were cordial and friendly to me until I began dating their son. Then came the dirty looks and rude behavior. Abby, I have never done anything to offend these people. Even my fiance agrees that I have done nothing wrong.

His mother said point-blank to me, "You wait until someone steals YOUR son and see how it feels!" I realize that there might be some sadness that her "baby" has decided to leave the nest, but for heaven's sake, the baby is 26 years old and has a mind of his own. This is nature taking its natural course.

It has been a year and a half, and they still will have nothing to do with me. However, they expect their son to come home and visit, and he does. I am angry that he goes there knowing full well how they feel about me. What should I do? -- HURT IN ADAMS CENTER, N.Y.

DEAR HURT: Your fiance's mother is still attached to her son by an emotional umbilical cord, and the only person who can successfully cut it is your fiance. The situation won't improve until your fiance makes it clear that he expects his future wife to be treated with courtesy and respect, or they won't be seeing much of either of you.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to point out something you seem to have missed in your response to "Itching on the East Coast." She was upset with her sister-in-law, who is a hypochondriac and always knows how everyone feels. Unfortunately, I truly DO know how "Itching" feels; my father died last Christmas after an eight-month battle with pancreatic cancer. I, too, spent many sleepless nights caring for or worrying about him. Other people, including my husband and children, got on my nerves -- especially those who were trying to make me feel better.

Luckily, I had to see my family doctor to get an expired prescription refilled. The short story is, I broke down in her office. I told her that my father was dying, that I wasn't sleeping well, and that people were getting on my nerves so much that I wanted to scream at them. She diagnosed me with reactive depression and prescribed medication to help me through that difficult time.

If "Itching" has put up with her sister-in-law for 13 years, I'm willing to bet that the sister-in-law's personality is not the real problem here. Please urge her to see a doctor and describe what is going on in her life. It's extremely difficult to watch a loved one die under any circumstances. When you are one of the primary caretakers in such a situation, the emotional strain can be overwhelming.

Depression can be terribly debilitating, but with the medications available today, it can also be controlled. Sign me ... REALLY HAVE BEEN THERE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REALLY: Thank you for sharing your insight. When the writer complained about her sister-in-law's actions over a period of many years, it did not occur to me that the real problem might be that the stress of her present situation was coloring her reactions. I agree with you that a visit to her physician could be in order. Thank you for pointing it out.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two sons, ages 10 and 18, both of whom I love very much. I am becoming more and more concerned about my 10-year-old, "Trevor." Trevor has many interests and is highly intelligent for his age. But his interests trouble me.

While most boys pour over baseball cards and speak of little girls, Trevor has taken an interest in cooking and dance. He doesn't mix well with other boys, is teased constantly and hates the walk to school. He is effeminate and introspective. I have come to the conclusion that Trevor is a homosexual -- or rather, will be when he's more developed.

My question to you, Abby, is -- what can I do to make this "coming out" process easier on my son? I support him in his interests. I even bought him a cookbook for his birthday this year. Do you think it's too early to speak of sexuality to Trevor? Should I enroll him in karate? What do you think? -- WORRIED IN WOODLAND HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR WORRIED: You are a caring and supportive parent, but just because at age 10 Trevor seems slow in developing an interest in girls does not automatically guarantee that he's a budding homosexual. (He could be a budding Gene Kelly or Wolfgang Puck.)

The most important thing you can do for Trevor is to let him know you love him unconditionally, regardless of his eventual orientation, and that he can talk openly with you about anything that's on his mind. By all means talk to him about sexuality, in an age-appropriate way. The discussion should be one that is ongoing.

If your son is being harassed at school and on the way to school, discuss it with the principal. Your son is legally entitled to an education free of harassment.

Counseling might help Trevor repair his self-esteem. The counselor can help him decide the most effective means of dealing with the abuse he is receiving.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Maggie Rose, Edmonds, Wash.," who had to confront men at a ball game about their swearing.

About 50 years ago, my older brother was given a "Ten Reasons for Swearing" card. I am happy to say it broke him of the habit. Whenever I hear a man or woman swear, I just say, "I couldn't help overhearing you. Welcome to the club," as I hand them a card. It does work. I have had more than 10,000 of them printed.

If you feel they are worth sharing with your readers, feel free to do so. -- MONTY INSKO, CARDIFF BY THE SEA, CALIF.

DEAR MONTY: If your "Ten Reasons for Swearing" makes the offenders take a moment to cool off, they're certainly worth sharing:

10 REASONS FOR SWEARING

1. It pleases Mother so much.

2. It's a fine mark of manliness.

3. It proves that I have self-control.

4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.

5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.

6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.

7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.

8. It's an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.

9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.

10. It's my way of honoring God, who said, "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)