DEAR ABBY: It has taken me years to write this letter.

My husband and I were married 35 years when he died suddenly. I adored him. He was my whole world.

A few years later I was putting my life back together when out of the blue, my "best friend" told me my husband had had an affair, and she could prove it. All his pallbearers knew about it. After much looking back, I knew it was true. I was devastated and have been in therapy for several years.

I would like to thank all of those who knew and kept silent. When a person dies, let all secrets be buried with him.

I cry as I write this, Abby. I loved him so much. Perhaps my letter will keep someone from hurting a person who is already hurting. -- WOUNDED IN MIDLAND, TEXAS

DEAR WOUNDED: A person who pours salt on the wound of someone who is already hurting is not a "friend"; she is a troublemaker. All you had left of your marriage were your memories, and I have to wonder why someone would want to destroy them. I hope that your years of therapy have helped you put your feelings of anger and betrayal into perspective, and to focus on the many wonderful years you had together -- because in the long run that is all that's important. You have years of life ahead of you, and it would be a tragedy if you spent them crying over something that no one can change and was better left unsaid.

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter in your column about jury duty prompts this letter. How do we ever get a jury of our peers when the selection process weeds out anyone who has read a newspaper or listened to the news in the last five years? They seem to want only brain-dead jurors. -- ARLEN B., HERCULES, CALIF.

DEAR ARLEN: During the last decade or so, the jury selection process has become very sophisticated -- and counsel for both sides usually have specific criteria in mind as they go through the process. If I had to name the No. 1 complaint I receive from readers about jury duty, it's that so little money is paid to jurors that they fear it would cause financial hardship to their families. Someone has to pay for the groceries while the jurors sit in judgment.

DEAR ABBY: I thought you'd be interested to know that the story of the wife and mother in a sinking boat was used for courses for Western men who would be doing business in the Far East to show contrasts in the way the two cultures differ.

When presented with the choice of saving the wife or the mother, most men brought up in a Western culture chose to save their wife. The men brought up in an Eastern culture would choose to save their mother -- the rationale being that it was possible to have another wife, but one could never have another mother. -- DIFFERENT STROKES, LAKELAND, FLA.

DEAR DIFFERENT: That's why it's so important for women to know how to paddle their own canoes.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I think you came up short in your reply to "Dreading September," the woman expecting twins. She is concerned about having to deal with both her controlling mother-in-law and a potential visit from her sister-in-law's family immediately after the children are born. You advised her to accept her mother-in-law's love, reassure her, and tune her out. As for her sister-in-law, you said she should have them put off the visit until she has a firmly established schedule. Good advice -- but it's directed at the wrong person.

As the father of triplets, I know this situation and can tell you that without her husband's close involvement, she will surely be jeopardizing her relationship with these people.

When my children were born, my parents also wanted to immediately come for a visit. I loved them, but they had always been "high maintenance" guests, and Mother had an opinion on everything. It was very difficult telling them they could not come see their grandchildren until we had established a routine, but it had to be done. Even when they came, six weeks after the kids were born, I insisted they stay in a motel. They didn't like it but accepted it because it came from me.

This woman's husband needs to get a spine and put his priorities in order. His wife and children come first. HE needs to be the one to gently but firmly, and repeatedly if necessary, tell his mother to back off. He should also tell his sister that they cannot come for a visit right away. If they hear it from him, they'll be mad, but they'll get over it. If they hear it from her, they'll hold it against her forever. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: I was surprised by the amount of mail that was generated -- and several other parents of twins echoed your sentiments. Read on for more comments:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Dreading September" was sound. When I became pregnant with twins, my husband was elated. In fact, he was so excited he invited a steady stream of family members to visit anytime. After three days of constant distractions, I was exhausted. Nights are very long with twins, and I needed every quiet daytime moment to care for myself, eat and rest.

My OB gave me some wise advice. She said that what my babies needed most was a healthy mother. And if I didn't focus on recovering from childbirth and adjusting to parenting twins, I'd wind up in the hospital myself.

The best I could offer was ONE HOUR in which everyone could visit together. Sound controlling? You bet. But the babies are the first priority -- and they need Mommy! -- LUCKY TO HAVE TWINS IN L.A.

DEAR LUCKY: Your twins are lucky to have a mother who has her head on straight. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Dreading" that she's wise to plan ahead for her rest and well-being after giving birth. One way to defuse self-appointed advice-givers is to mention that she is interested only in receiving suggestions from mothers of twins!

Organizations such as La Leche League and the Mothers of Twins Clubs are good sources for parents. -- JUDY IN STOCKBRIDGE, GA.

DEAR JUDY: Thank you for the reminder. Several readers mentioned twins clubs, and there's even one for parents of triplets. Those who want to learn more about twins clubs should write: National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, P.O. Box 23188, Albuquerque, N.M. 87192-1188, or visit the Web site: http://www.nomotc.org/.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to warn women, especially young women, about the danger of giving their car keys -- with their house keys attached -- to anyone.

A good friend's daughter went to a well-known tire company to have a flat repaired while she waited. Without thinking, she handed her key ring with all her keys on it to the serviceman and waited. What she didn't know is that most of these places also have machines that make copies of keys. One of the servicemen copied her apartment key, and two days later entered her apartment late at night and raped her.

This was a business she frequented, and they had all the information in their computer about where she lived, her phone number, etc. The man was caught months later and the police found out that he had done this before. He is now in jail, and my friend's daughter is trying to go on with her life.

I called my daughter right away and told her this story so she could learn from it, too.

Please, Abby, warn your readers to have their personal keys on another key ring or have a key ring that separates the car keys from one's personal keys. Perhaps this will save another woman from tragedy. -- MARILYN IN MARIETTA, GA.

DEAR MARILYN: You may never know how many tragedies you have prevented today. Your letter is a chilling reminder, and I hope my readers will heed it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old physician who has recently been seeing a wonderful woman who is caring, funny, and has a beautiful heart. I am very much in love with her.

The problem? Her table manners. I feel bad for letting such a trivial issue bug me, but my brothers, sister and I were raised with emphasis on table manners. It was a great source of pride for my mother and grandmother, so I am having a difficult time ignoring the matter.

We live in a small town where people frequently invite each other to dinner. I confess I am concerned about what others may think.

Abby, I know this is a petty issue in the grand scheme of things, but I'm having a hard time ignoring it. Have you any suggestions on how to give her pointers on manners without embarrassing her? -- LOOKING FOR THE WORDS

DEAR LOOKING: Begin by listing all the qualities you love about her, then explain to her there is one area in which her parents shortchanged her -- her table manners. After that, tell her exactly what you have told me and offer to coach her. You'll be doing her a great favor. Also, there are books available on the subject of etiquette. I highly recommend those by Letitia Baldrige.

DEAR ABBY: You erred when you told "Needs to Know" that there is no difference between "black tie" and "formal." For men, at least, there is a difference.

"Black tie" indicates that the men should wear tuxedos. "Formal" means that white tie and tails are indicated.

We don't see much formal attire in this country anymore, but that's what President Kennedy wore at his inauguration. -- DAVID CASH, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DAVID: More than a few readers pointed out that my answer was incorrect -- that although black tie and white tie are both "formal," white tie is MORE formal. Thank you for clarifying this.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)