DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, who continued to be a friend to my mother after our divorce, has, in my opinion, recently overstepped her bounds. On the day of my mother's funeral, my ex-wife arrived early at Mom's house and commenced to help herself to several pieces of personal property! I found out later that all of the personal property was willed to me.

Where does this kind of behavior fit in the realm of manners or etiquette -- or maybe even criminal activity? My mother had specific items listed in her will to give to certain people. -- CONFUSED IN ANCHORAGE, ALASKA

DEAR CONFUSED: The kind of behavior your ex-wife displayed does not fit into the realm of manners or etiquette, but it certainly qualifies in the category of criminal activity. Have your attorney demand (in writing) that the stolen items be returned immediately, or the police will be notified and a theft report filed.

DEAR ABBY: A number of years ago my husband's sexual interest stopped. Initially, because I begged him, he consulted a few doctors and we went to several therapists. Nothing worked. There are no indications that there is another woman. The only other "woman" he seems to be interested in is "Mary," as in "Bloody Mary."

I recently met a much younger man (I'll call him Joel), and there is a strong mutual attraction. He will be working in this country only a couple of months, after which he will return home to his fiancee. In light of my imposed celibacy, would a tryst with Joel really be adultery? For many reasons I will never divorce my husband. -- UNTOUCHED TAMALE

DEAR UNTOUCHED: Yes, a tryst with Joel would really be adultery. A short fling won't quench your thirst -- it will only stimulate your appetite and create more problems. I'd advise against it.

DEAR ABBY: I am 26 and have been engaged for two years. The problem is that my fiance doesn't want to make a life for us. He is 28, and still lives at home with his divorced 51-year-old mother and her 38-year-old live-in boyfriend.

My fiance has no living expenses and operates his own business. He talks about finding a place for us, but it's just talk -- he never makes any effort. I have tried everything to motivate him, but nothing seems to work.

Abby, his living arrangements and his procrastination about finding us a place to live together don't seem normal. Should I just throw in the towel? -- UPSET IN MISSOURI

DEAR UPSET: Not yet. Since your fiance hasn't moved forward in finding the two of you a place to live, begin looking on your own. If you find something affordable, take him to see it so you can sign a lease together. If he starts making excuses -- then it's time to throw in the towel.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man for two years. He's the love of my life. I'm in my late 20s and he's in his late 30s. We get along perfectly. We live together and spend most of our free time together.

I have been bringing up the topic of marriage lately because I'd love to start a family, but in order to do so I need a commitment. He says he loves me and that I am his world, but "marriage" scares him.

The other day I proposed and gave him a diamond ring. He was shocked, to say the least, and didn't answer me. The only thing he said was that he was afraid of getting hurt again. Abby, I don't know what to do. I love him, but I have made it clear I won't wait forever. He knows how I feel. What should I do? My biological clock is ticking. -- LOST IN LOVE

DEAR LOST: Ask him, "Are you more afraid of losing me, or more afraid of being hurt?" Give him a deadline, and if he's still "uncertain," face it -- he's not for you.

P.S. It's perfectly proper to ask him to please return the ring.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Had It in San Diego," who complained about the unruly behavior of her nephews. You replied, "Imagine when the 6-year-old must be in a structured environment such as school."

Well, Abby, I teach first grade and can TELL you what happens. When it's time to open the reading book, point to the words and follow along, the well-behaved child will do just that and will soon be reading. The poorly behaved child may look elsewhere, spin his book or make faces. He will need more direction and will probably be learning-delayed, even though he may be quite able.

The well-behaved child will take turns, follow school rules, and interact positively with other students and adults. The poorly behaved child may hit others, throw tantrums or damage school property, which will result in many telephone calls home, detention, referrals to the principal and other negative consequences.

Students who are successful in first grade are usually the successes in fifth grade. They have developed good school habits.

If I could give parents one piece of advice, it would be: Teach your children what "no" means. Do not give in! Your child needs self-control, language and effort to achieve success. -- A TEACHER WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR TEACHER: Thank you for a compelling letter. Extremely bright children may act out because they are bored. And, of course, a child who consistently misbehaves should be evaluated to rule out attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactive disorder (ADHD). I hope your letter will serve as an admonition to parents who shrug off their children's misbehavior as "kids will be kids."

Children need to be prepared before they are thrust into a classroom environment, but they cannot know what they have not been taught. Among the lessons they should master are respect for other people, sharing, making good use of spare time, how to channel their aggressions and how to tolerate a degree of frustration.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the "pushy" sister-in-law who took photos of her deceased brother in his coffin against his widow's wishes: It's not all that unusual.

My weirdo aunt, now deceased, used to take rolls and rolls of film of every dead relative and put them in scrapbooks that she later showed off to people. She wanted to "capture the moment" -- the flowers, the corpse, the whole event. I thought it was dreadful. Looking back, I assume she photographed other family events, but I don't recall seeing any pictures. She was a sad, negative, pessimistic person, and I swore she'd never photograph my dead father (her brother). As fate would have it, she's long gone and no one recorded her passing in pictures -- and Dad is still kicking.

Several years ago, my mother-in-law received photographs of her late husband, who died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Her friend had secretly gone into the funeral home and snapped some. Weeks later, the friend offered them to my mother-in-law, saying that when her own husband died, photos of him in his coffin had been a comfort. My mother-in-law was grateful and the pictures meant a lot to her.

I guess my point is this: It takes all kinds. -- NO PHOTOS, PLEASE

DEAR NO PHOTOS: I have a stack of letters on my desk a foot high that corroborate that statement. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I work in a funeral home, and at times pictures are taken, especially for relatives who are too ill or elderly to attend the services or make a long trip. We have taken pictures, per the family's request, of infants -- this is usually the only photograph they would have of a baby they lost.

The sister-in-law should not have broken her promise, but her statement of how much better he looked dead than alive could have meant that he had a long illness and suffered, which can affect the deceased's appearance. The embalmers are artists! They can do wonders for a deceased who was ravaged by a terrible disease or who was in an accident. -- T.S. FROM L.L.

DEAR T.S.: Thank you for pointing this out. Many of those who wrote to me said they were greatly comforted to see their loved ones looking as they did before they were stricken, seemingly peacefully asleep. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my sister was married, in the same church as the one in which our father's funeral had been held, she and her husband had wedding pictures taken next to the marble name plate behind which our father's ashes now reside. When I first saw the pictures in the wedding album, I thought they were somewhat tacky. Later, I came to realize exactly what you advised "One Who Has Lost a Friend." Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and this was my sister's way to share her special day with our father. -- CHARLIE IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR CHARLIE: Right! Live and learn. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "One Who Has Lost a Friend": Who was the busybody who told the widow that the deceased's sister had taken the photos she promised she wouldn't?

If it eased the sister's pain, why not? She no doubt made her promise so as not to upset the widow. Ever heard of a little white lie? And then, there's also MYOB. -- M.S.C. IN SHERMAN OAKS

DEAR M.S.C.: I learn from my readers every day. I now know that photos of the deceased were very common at the turn of the century, and in some parts of the country the practice is still thriving. To everyone who wrote -- thank you for educating me.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)