DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband and I retired to a small town in which our son lives. He and his wife have two children, and ever since we moved here, they frequently call to say that the children want to come over and "visit." The visits last from four to 12 hours, since they both work.

Abby, it has gotten to the point where we have no freedom anymore. They have made no provisions for a sitter this summer, so they probably expect us to keep the children whenever we are at home. How can we let them know that we are available in emergencies, but every day is getting to be too much? We don't want to hurt their feelings. -- TIRED GRANDMA IN NEBRASKA

DEAR TIRED GRANDMA: If caring for the grandchildren has become a burden, you must be honest with your children and tell them exactly what you have told me. Finding reliable day care can be time-consuming, so unless you want the children "visiting" with you all summer, the time to announce your unavailability is right now.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away more than seven years ago, and on her deathbed she asked me to make sure my little sister was given a beautiful wedding, like the one she and my father had given me six weeks earlier. Of course I agreed because my sister is my very best friend and I need to honor my mother's request.

My sister is now engaged, and we are in the process of planning the wedding of her dreams. She is paying for most of it, and we're having a lot of fun. Everything went smoothly until I decided to plan and host a bridal shower before I move out of town. (I'll be 12 hours away.)

Shortly after my mother's death, my father remarried a woman his age who had never been married before. My brothers and sisters have accepted her into the family and been pleasant to her, although we do not consider her a "mother figure." We were all grown professionals at the time of my mother's death. During the past several years, she has been critical and judgmental about various family dilemmas and has tended to "pout" if she didn't get her way.

When I mentioned my intention to host a bridal shower to my father's wife, she led me to believe it was fine with her. She is now upset with me and my sister because SHE wanted to host the shower. We have tried to tell her that this is not appropriate. As matron of honor, isn't this one of MY responsibilities?

I have suggested that she host a bridal luncheon the day before the wedding, but she's still pouting about the shower. My father told me it's causing problems in his marriage. My sister and I have included her in planning the wedding, choosing the wedding gown and bridesmaids' dresses, and consulted her on various other decisions. Her childish, selfish behavior is causing lot of stress.

Abby, my sister and I want to do the right thing. Please advise us. -- STRESSED-OUT MATRON OF HONOR

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: Happy birthday, Sissy!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Earl," and I married when I was 23 and he was 26. We had dated for five years long-distance. We moved to an area where he could get a job -- 15 hours from my home in Connecticut, but only two hours from his home in South Carolina. Since I am a teacher, I have more flexibility.

During the first year, Earl quit his job to go to college. He also began an affair, which resulted in his moving out of our apartment and moving in with his girlfriend, who was also married. Because of state law, we had to be separated a full year before filing for divorce.

The year is just about to end. I have moved to New Jersey and Earl has gone back to his original job. After six months of not seeing or hearing from him, he called my family to get my phone number. Now Earl is saying that he has realized his mistakes and is straightening out his life -- yet he is still living with his girlfriend! He suggested that divorce is "not needed" and that "possibly" things may work between us.

Abby, I am not a silly schoolgirl thinking her knight has returned, but should I EVER (even if not now) give Earl the chance to re-establish the relationship that was so strong between us for 5 1/2 years, as purely friends? My friends doubt whether I could ever trust him as a friend, but should he be given the chance? -- SOON TO BE A GEN-EX STATISTIC

DEAR SOON TO BE: You have nothing to lose by listening to what your soon-to-be-ex has to say. But remain skeptical until he leaves his girlfriend. Even if he wants to revive the marriage, do not agree until the two of you have had many months of marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We live together. I am 29 and he is 31. I love him and think we have a great relationship.

His mother passed away last summer. The nursing home she was in took all her savings and she didn't have funeral insurance, so the costs for everything rested on the two of us. While he has two older sisters and one older brother, two of them didn't even come to the memorial service or help pay for the funeral costs. We chose to have her cremated.

We had very little money at the time, but a minister friend of mine held a lovely church memorial service in her honor, and my father held the repast at his home. My divorced parents made sandwiches and drinks for my boyfriend's family, and one of my boyfriend's sisters graciously paid for 75 percent of the cremation costs.

A few days after the service, his sister returned home and his mother's ashes were left with us. None of the children want them, and for the past year my boyfriend has stored them in our bedroom closet. I am uncomfortable with them being there. I really liked his mother a lot and have a problem seeing that box of ashes every morning when I get dressed for work.

How should I broach this with my boyfriend? -- HAUNTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR HAUNTED: Since the remains make you uncomfortable, suggest to your boyfriend that his mother's ashes deserve a more dignified resting place than a box in a bedroom closet. Then go with him to investigate the cost of placing her ashes in one of the local cemeteries, and discuss payment plans.

Another option: According to the Funeral and Memorial Societies of America, as of 1998 it's legal in all 50 states to scatter ashes. Perhaps you can find an appropriate and meaningful spot for her remains.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Although the crime rate has been dropping nationwide for the past several years, our citizens still fear being victimized. Of the crimes that are committed, the majority could have been avoided if the victim had taken some preventive measures.

Most law enforcement agencies have crime prevention specialists available to their citizens free of charge. A wide variety of literature and training courses are available to the business and residential communities. Some of the training and programs offered are: auto theft prevention, personal safety, fraud prevention, workplace violence prevention, robbery prevention and survival, Neighborhood Watch, programs for senior citizens, and burglary prevention -- including on-site security inspections of homes and businesses.

Parents tell their children not to talk to strangers, but most children who are abducted are taken by someone they know. The Internet can be a very dangerous place for a child. These and other child safety issues can be addressed by a crime prevention specialist.

Anyone can become the victim of a crime. As a police officer, I assure you that we would rather educate people in crime prevention techniques than work with them as crime victims. Abby, I would encourage your readers to contact their local law enforcement agency to find out what crime prevention services are offered and take advantage of those services. When it comes to criminal activity, an ounce of prevention is worth a ton of cure. -- GARRY CUOSO-VASQUEZ, CHIEF OF POLICE, MONTEBELLO, CALIF.

DEAR CHIEF CUOSO-VASQUEZ: Thank you for a thought-provoking letter. I'm sure that many readers will be pleasantly surprised to know about the crime prevention programs that are available in their communities simply by asking their local police departments for them.

DEAR ABBY: This is another letter on the subject of grandparents raising grandchildren.

When I was 55, I took early retirement because our two grandsons, ages 8 and 6, came to live with us while their grandma worked and their mother went back to school.

For the next several years, they divided their time between their mother and us, sometimes staying with us for several months. The older boy made it permanent when he was 16, and stayed until he finished school and went out on his own. Now 20, he still sends me a present for Father's Day.

My younger grandson, now 18, is living with his mother and stepfather. When he graduated from advanced infantry training at Fort Benning, Ga., guess who was invited to attend? I must have been the proudest grandpa there.

Raising teen-agers wasn't easy. There were quarrels and raised voices, but we got over it. We loved them when they were here and missed them when they were gone. Would I do it again? Absolutely! I wouldn't change a thing. -- GLENN R. SHARP, PROUD GRANDPA, HILLSBORO, ORE.

DEAR GLENN: What an inspirational story of how love can bind a family together! You are justifiably proud. My congratulations on a job well done.

NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MORT PHILLIPS: Happy 60th anniversary, Darling! Every night is New Year's Eve and every day is Thanksgiving since I married you. Thank you for making me the luckiest woman alive.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)