DEAR ABBY: Less than two weeks ago, I lost a friend of more than 40 years. He had been in poor health for the better part of two years and succumbed to the many complications of emphysema. He left a wife and two adult children.

The evening before the funeral, there was a viewing that was attended by many friends and relatives. At that time, his sister told the widow she would like to take some pictures of the floral arrangements, some of which were sent by relatives in the Midwest. She wished to send these relatives some pictures. She was given permission, as long as she took only snapshots of the flowers, and not the open casket. The sister-in-law agreed to abide by this.

The grieving widow had no sooner left the room than the deceased's sister proceeded to take snapshots of her brother in the open casket! At the graveside service the next morning, she also took snapshots of the people attending the service, and even went so far as to take pictures of the casket as it was being lowered into the ground. When the widow learned of it later, she was furious.

She called her sister-in-law the following day and expressed shock and disappointment that anyone would commit such a morbid, insensitive and uncaring act. The sister-in-law rationalized that the pictures were her own personal memento of her brother -- since he looked so good, better than she had seen him look in a long time. The widow demanded the exposed roll of film, for which she offered to reimburse her sister-in-law, but was refused.

Abby, what do you think of this? Should the sister-in-law have taken those pictures? -- ONE WHO HAS LOST A FRIEND

DEAR ONE WHO HAS LOST A FRIEND: The sister-in-law was wrong to promise the widow she would refrain from photographing the open casket and then going back on her word. However, everyone grieves in his or her own way -- and if a sibling would find comfort in having pictures of her brother in his coffin, who am I to argue? It's not something I would want to revisit; however, I'm sure this situation isn't a first. What is interesting is her statement that her brother's corpse looked better than he did when he was still alive.

DEAR ABBY: I was sitting in a restaurant at noon, enjoying lunch with my husband. Sitting at a window table directly ahead of us was a nicely groomed older couple.

Abby, this woman whipped out her compact and a pair of tweezers and proceeded to pluck the hairs from her chin and neck! Her husband just stared off into space. Our server told us the couple are regular customers, and she does this every time she comes in.

I know some of the old rules of etiquette have relaxed in recent years, but now I've seen everything. Abby, what do you think? -- HARRIETT IN HOLLYWOOD

DEAR HARRIETT: I think the woman displayed bald indifference to common table manners. A quick lipstick application is acceptable in public; however, any procedure that lasts more than 30 seconds is a no-no and should be performed in the powder room.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: You advised "Uncomfortable," the young woman whose husband and in-laws want her to use her father-in-law as an obstetrician, to "speak her mind and make no apologies for her feelings." She needs more specific advice, or she'll wind up in endless stressful arguments.

She should find her own OB, make her own appointments, and inform the new doctor that her father-in-law is not to be given any information about her.

She should never argue with her in-laws. Instead, she should repeat the following: "Thank you for your concern for my health. I'm very happy with my choice of caregiver." This shouldn't lead to an argument or give offense.

Dealing with her husband may be harder. She may owe him an explanation (but not an apology). If he insists on arguing, she should repeat, "No, I've made my decision." The broken-record technique is very effective. She should be prepared for her husband to tell his dad anything he knows about her condition, so she should tell him nothing she doesn't want blabbed around.

Finally, she should make a list for her doctor of exactly who is allowed to be present at the birth. She clearly cannot count on her wimp of a husband to be an effective gatekeeper. -- UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR UPSTATE: I'm sure "Uncomfortable" will appreciate your input. It appears you are speaking from personal experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Uncomfortable's" husband is immature and selfish. He needs to grow up and consider his wife's feelings. And the physician in question is a controlling father-in-law who should show some professional decency, bow out, and recommend obstetricians outside his practice. Reading between the lines, the young woman has more to worry about than what is apparent in her letter. -- LOS ANGELES R.N.

DEAR L.A.R.N.: I agree. Now let's hear it from a fellow physician:

DEAR ABBY: As an anesthesiologist, I make a point of not having a medical relationship with friends and family. Besides being a physician, I'm a person with feelings and emotions, and, no matter how well-trained I could be, my judgment would be distorted and my decision subjective and biased. It's definitely not wise for "Uncomfortable" to be a patient of her in-law, and the DOCTOR should know this. -- SYMPATHETIC M.D.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: If all else fails, perhaps the young woman can clip your letter and tell her father-in-law she has a "doctor's excuse." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Let me tell you what worked for me: the simple phrase, "I have decided to use all women doctors from now on." The doctors I have chosen have all shared the experiences of childbirth, PMS and menopause. I even have a woman dentist! -- BEEN THERE IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR BEEN THERE: That's an excellent alternative. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Uncomfortable" should choose a midwife as her care provider. Midwives are recognized throughout the world as the most appropriate care providers for women, and most women could benefit from the expert care, education and family-centered support we offer. We give our clients a high level of personal satisfaction, and our safety statistics are excellent. -- NEW HAMPSHIRE CERTIFIED MIDWIFE

DEAR READERS: Anyone interested in more information about midwives should contact: Midwives Alliance of North America, 4805 Lawrenceville Highway, Suite 116-279, Lilburn, GA 30047. Please enclose a self-addressed, business-size stamped envelope. The organization also has a Web site: www.mana.org.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but I have a big problem.

My best friend of 26 years got drunk at my 50th birthday party. I begged and pleaded with her, asked her for her keys, and offered to have her spend the night at my house -- or let me drive her home. The only alternative was to get physical and forcibly take her keys. That wasn't an option.

My friend is 61 years old and a great-grandmother. She got a DUI that night. She blames the DUI on me! I offered to loan her $2,000 for the lawyer because we have been friends for such a long time. One day I was her best friend and received a beautiful birthday card and gifts. The next day I was the world's biggest heel.

My friend reads your column. Please comment on this. I decided not to talk to her anymore because I feel betrayed. This isn't the first time she has gotten drunk and driven her car. It's just the first time she got caught. I am very hurt. -- BEST-FRIENDLESS

DEAR BEST-FRIENDLESS: There is a term for your former best friend's behavior. It's called "displaced anger." What it means is that your friend is unable to direct her anger at what happened where it belongs -- at herself for her foolish judgment and refusal to admit she has a problem with alcohol. Therefore she is aiming it at you. For the sake of a 26-year friendship, I hope she recognizes the unfairness of her actions. Right now it's easier for her to blame you than to blame herself. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for many months. I am a senior citizen member of a musical group that presents a major concert during the holiday season.

Many of our members have sons, daughters and grandchildren. Sometimes not one family member will come to the concert. They are all "too busy."

Yet Grandma and Grandpa are expected to attend ALL sports events, glee club performances, pageants, cheerleading contests -- nursery school through college graduations, etc. Believe me, some of those events are boring, too. But Grandma and Grandpa sit through them proudly.

My question to all is, "Is sitting through a concert too much of a sacrifice?" -- HURT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR HURT: In the interest of family solidarity, it shouldn't be. Everybody needs positive strokes at one time or another.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my fiance for more than three years. My parents are upset and show their disapproval when they send us letters or cards on various occasions.

They address the mail to us as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, C.L." The letters mean "common law." The postman has asked what the letters represent. I answered, "It's a joke between mother and me."

How can I get my parents to stop using the letters on correspondence and greeting cards? -- UNHAPPY PEGGY, FULTONDALE, ALA.

DEAR UNHAPPY PEGGY: Get married!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)