DEAR ABBY: You advised "Uncomfortable," the young woman whose husband and in-laws want her to use her father-in-law as an obstetrician, to "speak her mind and make no apologies for her feelings." She needs more specific advice, or she'll wind up in endless stressful arguments.

She should find her own OB, make her own appointments, and inform the new doctor that her father-in-law is not to be given any information about her.

She should never argue with her in-laws. Instead, she should repeat the following: "Thank you for your concern for my health. I'm very happy with my choice of caregiver." This shouldn't lead to an argument or give offense.

Dealing with her husband may be harder. She may owe him an explanation (but not an apology). If he insists on arguing, she should repeat, "No, I've made my decision." The broken-record technique is very effective. She should be prepared for her husband to tell his dad anything he knows about her condition, so she should tell him nothing she doesn't want blabbed around.

Finally, she should make a list for her doctor of exactly who is allowed to be present at the birth. She clearly cannot count on her wimp of a husband to be an effective gatekeeper. -- UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR UPSTATE: I'm sure "Uncomfortable" will appreciate your input. It appears you are speaking from personal experience. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Uncomfortable's" husband is immature and selfish. He needs to grow up and consider his wife's feelings. And the physician in question is a controlling father-in-law who should show some professional decency, bow out, and recommend obstetricians outside his practice. Reading between the lines, the young woman has more to worry about than what is apparent in her letter. -- LOS ANGELES R.N.

DEAR L.A.R.N.: I agree. Now let's hear it from a fellow physician:

DEAR ABBY: As an anesthesiologist, I make a point of not having a medical relationship with friends and family. Besides being a physician, I'm a person with feelings and emotions, and, no matter how well-trained I could be, my judgment would be distorted and my decision subjective and biased. It's definitely not wise for "Uncomfortable" to be a patient of her in-law, and the DOCTOR should know this. -- SYMPATHETIC M.D.

DEAR SYMPATHETIC: If all else fails, perhaps the young woman can clip your letter and tell her father-in-law she has a "doctor's excuse." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Let me tell you what worked for me: the simple phrase, "I have decided to use all women doctors from now on." The doctors I have chosen have all shared the experiences of childbirth, PMS and menopause. I even have a woman dentist! -- BEEN THERE IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR BEEN THERE: That's an excellent alternative. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Uncomfortable" should choose a midwife as her care provider. Midwives are recognized throughout the world as the most appropriate care providers for women, and most women could benefit from the expert care, education and family-centered support we offer. We give our clients a high level of personal satisfaction, and our safety statistics are excellent. -- NEW HAMPSHIRE CERTIFIED MIDWIFE

DEAR READERS: Anyone interested in more information about midwives should contact: Midwives Alliance of North America, 4805 Lawrenceville Highway, Suite 116-279, Lilburn, GA 30047. Please enclose a self-addressed, business-size stamped envelope. The organization also has a Web site: www.mana.org.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have never written you before, but I have a big problem.

My best friend of 26 years got drunk at my 50th birthday party. I begged and pleaded with her, asked her for her keys, and offered to have her spend the night at my house -- or let me drive her home. The only alternative was to get physical and forcibly take her keys. That wasn't an option.

My friend is 61 years old and a great-grandmother. She got a DUI that night. She blames the DUI on me! I offered to loan her $2,000 for the lawyer because we have been friends for such a long time. One day I was her best friend and received a beautiful birthday card and gifts. The next day I was the world's biggest heel.

My friend reads your column. Please comment on this. I decided not to talk to her anymore because I feel betrayed. This isn't the first time she has gotten drunk and driven her car. It's just the first time she got caught. I am very hurt. -- BEST-FRIENDLESS

DEAR BEST-FRIENDLESS: There is a term for your former best friend's behavior. It's called "displaced anger." What it means is that your friend is unable to direct her anger at what happened where it belongs -- at herself for her foolish judgment and refusal to admit she has a problem with alcohol. Therefore she is aiming it at you. For the sake of a 26-year friendship, I hope she recognizes the unfairness of her actions. Right now it's easier for her to blame you than to blame herself. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: This has been bothering me for many months. I am a senior citizen member of a musical group that presents a major concert during the holiday season.

Many of our members have sons, daughters and grandchildren. Sometimes not one family member will come to the concert. They are all "too busy."

Yet Grandma and Grandpa are expected to attend ALL sports events, glee club performances, pageants, cheerleading contests -- nursery school through college graduations, etc. Believe me, some of those events are boring, too. But Grandma and Grandpa sit through them proudly.

My question to all is, "Is sitting through a concert too much of a sacrifice?" -- HURT IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR HURT: In the interest of family solidarity, it shouldn't be. Everybody needs positive strokes at one time or another.

DEAR ABBY: I have been living with my fiance for more than three years. My parents are upset and show their disapproval when they send us letters or cards on various occasions.

They address the mail to us as "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe, C.L." The letters mean "common law." The postman has asked what the letters represent. I answered, "It's a joke between mother and me."

How can I get my parents to stop using the letters on correspondence and greeting cards? -- UNHAPPY PEGGY, FULTONDALE, ALA.

DEAR UNHAPPY PEGGY: Get married!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our national flag, "Old Glory," does not get the respect today that it deserves. The enclosed piece titled "Remember Me?" may remind our citizens to respect it and honor those who have died in battle so that "Old Glory" could continue to fly over the land of the free. Please print it again. -- CLAY MATTHEWS, WORLD WAR II VETERAN, RIO LINDA, CALIF.

DEAR CLAY: Thank you for reminding me of this moving piece. Today is Flag Day, and I'm reprinting it to remind American citizens to respect our national flag, and in turn, honor our veterans who bravely fought in days past, and our servicemen and women taking part in the Kosovo operations even now.

REMEMBER ME?

by David C. Graham

Hello. Remember me? Some people call me Old Glory, others call me the Star-Spangled Banner, but whatever they call me, I am your flag, the flag of the United States of America.

Something has been bothering me, so I thought I might talk it over with you -- because it is about you and me.

I remember some time ago, people would line up on both sides of the street to watch the parade, and naturally I was leading every one, proudly waving in the breeze.

When your daddy saw me coming, he immediately removed his hat and placed it against his left shoulder so that his hand was directly over his heart -- remember?

And you, I remember, were standing there, straight as a soldier. You didn't have a hat, but you were giving the right salute. Remember your little sister? Not to be outdone, she was saluting the same as you with her right hand over her heart -- remember?

What happened? I'm still the same old flag. Oh, I've added a few more stars since you were a boy, and a lot more blood has been shed since those parades of long ago.

But now, somehow, I don't feel as proud as I used to feel. When I come down your street, you just stand there with your hands in your pockets. You may give me a small glance, and then you look away. I see children running around you shouting; they don't seem to know who I am.

I saw one man take his hat off, then he looked around, and when he didn't see anybody else take off their hat, he quickly put his on again.

Is it a sin to be patriotic today? Have you forgotten what I stand for, and where I have been? Anzio, Guadalcanal, Korea and Vietnam!

Take a look at the memorial honor rolls, and see the names of those patriotic Americans who gave their lives to keep this republic free. When you salute me, you are actually saluting them.

Well, it won't be long until I'll be coming down your street again. So when you see me, please stand straight and place your hand over your heart, and I'll know that you remembered. I'll salute you by waving back!

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to be married during the summer of 2000. Most of our plans are working out well -- except for one.

I don't believe in the Bible, or the devil or God -- and my fiance believes there is "something" out there, but not necessarily a god. So the question is, if a clergyman can't marry us, who could that won't make us say or do anything "religious"? -- FRUSTRATED IN BREMERTON, WASH.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Since you prefer not to have a religious ceremony, enlist the services of a justice of the peace or a judge.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)