DEAR ABBY: I am a young woman who, along with my friends, has run into many different men -- and many different styles of dating. We have compared notes, and decided that it's time to share some basic "dating guidelines" for the men out there:

1. Whoever asks (male or female), pays. Whoever pays makes the plans.

2. If you really like a girl and are broke, don't ask her to share costs -- and if she offers money, refuse. If she's worth your emotional investment, she'll be happy going to free concerts, picnics, etc.

3. A guy who asks for money to help with the date before he's asked you to be his girlfriend (usually around three months) is usually just "marking time" and looking for a fling until someone he really likes comes along. And even if you're going steady, don't assume she'll share the expenses from then on.

4. Meet her where it's convenient for her the first few dates, and after that, pick her up from work or her place. Open doors, help her with her coat, etc.

5. Don't whine and sulk if she won't sleep with you right away. It's truly unattractive, and if you're dating her just for sex, and that's obviously not what she's in it for -- be nice, break it off and say goodbye.

6. Call several days ahead to ask, then call to re-confirm the night before.

These are the basics, Abby. If your readers have anything else to add, we're open to suggestions. -- 20-SOMETHING IN L.A.

DEAR 20-SOMETHING: Your contemporary rules for dating may raise a few eyebrows, but they seem sensible to me. Readers? Anything you'd like to add?

DEAR ABBY: In about a month, my sister "Jane" and her husband, "Dick," are going to Hawaii for a vacation. Dick enjoys the nude beaches, but Jane does not -- and she has gotten a lot of verbal abuse about it.

For the entire 32 years of their marriage, Dick has verbally abused my sister because of her weight. Jane has tried every diet known to man, and then some. Her self-esteem is low. He takes every dime he makes, and refuses to allow her to buy clothing when her weight is up. She works in the public sector and feels terrible because she can't dress as well as her co-workers.

During the last conversation I had with her, she said, "Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the vacation, but I just can't go nude. And Dick says he'll cut my bathing suit off me if I refuse. I don't know what to do."

Of course, Dick has never had a weight problem and has always looked like he walked out of GQ.

Abby, could you please offer some suggestions? I know Dick needs counseling, but that is out. -- JANE'S SISTER

DEAR JANE'S SISTER: Dick doesn't need counseling as much as your sister does. Jane needs to understand why she has tolerated for 32 years the kind of treatment you have described, and to become strong enough to demand the kind of respect she deserves from the insensitive man she married. Until she does that, nothing will change.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Loving Granddaughter in Wichita, Kan.," who was embarrassed by her grandmother's hairdo at her wedding, should have signed herself "Shallow Granddaughter."

Abby, I was married last December, surrounded by family. Only one thing could have made it better -- if my grandma had been able to attend. However, my grandmother passed away four years ago. I loved her dearly and miss her very much.

She always wore her hair the same way, and had it styled by the same woman who had done it for many years. She always wore the same double-knit polyester dresses and pastel sweater suits, and I loved her all the more because of it. She was an original.

I cried when I read "Loving Granddaughter's" letter. Please tell her she should love her grandmother because of the unique individual she is. Otherwise, her shallowness will tarnish the golden memories she should be creating for the future. -- GRIEVING GRANDDAUGHTER, HIGH SPRINGS, FLA.

DEAR GRIEVING: I think you said it very plainly. My sympathy for the loss of your grandmother. I hope that the passage of time will lessen the ache.

That letter generated some interesting responses. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have been a hairdresser since I was 16. I am now 62. I'm familiar with the situation described by "Loving Granddaughter." When many clients pay for a hairdo, they feel that it had better last until the next one.

Young people should learn to accept our era just as we try to accept theirs. The natural look isn't good for everyone. Older women look awful with long, unkempt hair. (For that matter, so do some of the young women who wear it.)

People should wear what makes them feel attractive. "Granddaughter" should grow up and be grateful her grandmother is happy, healthy and trying to be attractive. -- ELAINE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR ELAINE: If I have learned one thing, it's never to generalize about what's attractive and what is not. The old rules have gone out the window -- and some women look terrific with long hair. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When my mother was in her 50s, she came to me to get her hair cut. My father's sister had told her she was getting too old to wear it long. I'm sure my aunt was only trying to be helpful and bring Mother a little more up-to-date. I told my mother it was her hair, and she should wear it however she liked it best. The next time I saw her, she had short hair. She had been so afraid of looking foolish to others that she hadn't thought of the most important person -- herself.

Her hairstyle may have been more "modern," but she felt like Samson. She had always been proud of her long, thick hair, but was now too self-conscious to wear it that way. She kept her hair short after that even though she didn't like it.

I wish my aunt had kept her mouth shut. Hair is only an adornment, and it was much better to see Mother self-confident than stylish.

"Loving Granddaughter" should be glad she has a living grandmother. My poor mother passed away about 10 years after that. She had metastatic breast cancer and lost all her hair from chemo and radiation. -- MOTHERLESS DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: "Constructive criticism" is best digested when it's offered in sparing doses. Those who offer it should first use a magnifying mirror to examine themselves.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The verse you printed honoring mothers-in-law on Mother's Day was bound to touch the hearts of many. I have a suspicion, however, that more than a few women felt the sentiments did not speak for them. In honor of these women, I'd like to provide you with a bit of doggerel I composed in response. Perhaps you'll want to share it with your readers. -- MAXINE DERRINGER, LAS VEGAS, NEV.

DEAR MAXINE: Your poem is an absolute hoot! I'm sure it will raise more than a few eyebrows. Read on:

TO HIS MOTHER

"Mother-in-law," they say, and yet,

Somehow I simply can't forget

'Twas you who followed him around

To grab whatever hit the ground.

And in your hand, to make it super,

A real gold-plated pooper scooper!

'Twas you who gave him his way when you

Let him demand a separate menu.

Perhaps if he had been a daughter,

You might have taught him to boil water.

His little socks and underwear

You let him throw just anywhere.

'Twas you who taught him how to say,

"What can the world do for me today?"

And so, today, beside me stands

The man that I took off your hands.

You raised him with such cunning knack,

I think I'll let you have him back.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in the hope that you will print a gentle reminder in your column about displaying "Old Glory," our national flag.

As we approach Flag Day (June 14), I thought it might be a good time to remind people that it may be time to replace their worn or torn flags -- after all, the American flag is an important symbol and not just an ornament.

Children as well as adults should realize there are rules and customs associated with displaying the "red, white and blue." -- NASHUA, N.H., PATRIOT

DEAR PATRIOT: There are many do's and don'ts related to displaying the American flag, too many to include in one column. One well-known rule is that the flag should fly only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and stationary flagstaffs. It should not be displayed at night, unless it has been properly illuminated. The flag should be lowered in stormy weather, unless an all-weather flag is being used.

When it has become tattered, torn or faded, the accepted method of flag disposal is to burn it. Those who are uncomfortable or unable to dispose of the flag in this manner should contact their nearest American Legion post. Most posts have an annual ceremony to honorably dispose of old or worn flags.

Readers who want to learn more about the complete flag code should visit the American Legion Web site at www.legion.org/flagcode.htm.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)