DEAR ABBY: I have read and enjoyed your wisdom, humor and honesty for many, many years and have always been impressed with your openness to different points of view. In that spirit, I offer mine:

I'm writing in response to the plight of "Sara," whose friends are angry with "Sam," a new boyfriend who beats her. At a party, the hostess wanted to attack Sam for this behavior, but feared this would cause him to beat Sara even more, so the guests were polite and did nothing. You replied that you would have done likewise for the same reason. You advised the hostess to tell Sara she doesn't have to tolerate Sam's abuse, that he won't change without counseling and to leave the relationship.

As a retired marriage and family counselor, may I offer a different perspective? The problem here is not Sam so much as Sara, who, I'm sure, knows already what you advised her friends to tell her. The fact that she can't take care of herself is the real issue. Personal counseling and attending Codependents Anonymous would help her disarm what appears to be an inner, self-destructive refusal to take action on her own behalf.

By complaining to her friends while doing nothing herself, she has initiated a "game" of what Eric Berne called "Ain't It Awful?" Here are the rules: Friends suggest and cajole, Sara admits they are right -- but does nothing. Each beating makes the friends angrier and Sara a more dramatic victim. The game continues until the friends tire or Sara changes.

The issue is really NOT Sam, villain though he is, because he, too, is only acting out what he believes is appropriate in relationships. I hope Sara and Sam find the strength to seek the help they both need. -- HOWARD D. BOTT, SAN MATEO, CALIF.

DEAR HOWARD: I, too, hope they both find the strength to get help. Whether Sam will do it or not depends on what type of batterer he is. If he's one of the minority who have a conscience and a sincere desire to change, there is hope for him.

As for Sara, people with low self-esteem can come to believe they are somehow responsible for the abuse they attract. However, it's possible that she's seeking reinforcement from her friends to gather the strength to do something positive for herself, like dump Sam. The problem battered women face is fear that no one else will want them -- and their batterer reinforces it while promising to change.

DEAR ABBY: I am now in the 20th year of my second marriage. My husband and I have children from our previous marriages. Now, after two decades of commingling our funds and working to secure a future for ourselves in our retirement years, my spouse has requested that we split everything and put it in separate individual names so that he will be able to leave his half of our assets to his children when he passes away. He feels that he will die before me, and it would not be fair to his children to be required to wait until I pass away before they receive his half of our assets. He also feels that there will be enough for me to survive on with my half of our assets.

Please print your answer and do not reveal my name or location. -- SECOND TIME AROUND AND WONDERING

DEAR SECOND TIME AROUND: If after 20 years your husband has decided to split your assets, stop wondering and consult an attorney immediately. I don't know what the marital property laws are in your state, but you need more advice than I could possibly offer in one column.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Still Steaming in S.F.," I have to wonder what kind of a man "John" is to have allowed his fiancee to be publicly snubbed at his law partner's dinner party.

"Steaming" should think twice about marrying someone who would do nothing in a situation of this sort, and if she does decide to go through with it, she should exclude the law partner and his wife from the wedding. If she does relent and invite them, the invitation should be addressed to the husband only.

Abby, a marriage should and must come before any business arrangement. If it doesn't, beware the future. It will be filled with similar "snubs" and a husband who sacrifices his life partner's feelings in favor of his working partners'. -- BEEN THERE

DEAR BEEN THERE: Although the fiance could have been more sensitive to the treatment "Steaming" was receiving, I'm not sure the incident is a dire preview of her future with the man. The hostess showed appalling bad manners. However, I do not agree that "Steaming" should stoop to the same level by excluding the couple from the guest list, or by improperly addressing their invitation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have the perfect solution for "Steaming in S.F." Of course she must invite that dreadful woman to the wedding! Her husband's career will be the casualty if she doesn't. However, she can get some revenge in a subtle yet satisfying manner if she's having a sit-down dinner at the reception.

At every wedding, there's one table where the hostess seats those guests who just don't seem to fit in with the others. Usually, at least one of the people at this table is a distant relative who never shuts up and has an opinion about everything. Seat "Mrs. X" next to this guest. Maybe she'll even leave early! -- NOBODY'S VICTIM ANYMORE, ATLANTA

DEAR NOBODY'S VICTIM: Spoken like a true veteran of the social scene. The name for that table is "Siberia." You're not the only reader who identified with "Steaming in S.F." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree with your advice to "Still Steaming in S.F.," who was publicly snubbed by the wife of her husband's business partner. I had a similar experience.

The social event at which I was snubbed eight years ago was a lovely outdoor wedding shower that was being held for my fiance and me. The "snubber" fancied herself to be a major mover in local political circles. She was not even on the list of suggested guests we had given the hostess. She was a good friend of the host and hostess, and my fiance was casually acquainted with her. When he attempted to introduce me to this woman, she was extremely rude and acted as if I were invisible. I was shocked and embarrassed.

I later learned that during my fiance's bachelorhood, this woman had tried repeatedly -- but unsuccessfully -- to fix him up with her various girlfriends. I now realize that the snub had nothing to do with me -- and everything to do with her frustration at failing in her matchmaking efforts. She was being a poor loser. "Steaming" might very well find a similar history between her husband-to-be and the law partner's wife. -- SNUBBED AND HAPPY IN ST. PAUL

DEAR SNUBBED AND HAPPY: Indeed she might. It's also possible that the law partner's wife was herself attracted to the woman's fiance. However, that's no excuse. It is the duty of the hostess to make sure all her guests enjoy themselves. Not only did she fail at that, she behaved so badly other guests commented on it. That's hardly a social triumph.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for more than 20 years but have never written. However, I have not seen my problem addressed, and I'm hoping you can help me.

My wife and I enjoy season tickets to the Milwaukee Bucks with three other couples. When I go to the concession stand, I feel the polite thing to do is to ask if anyone else would like anything. Most of the time, the other couples will order a snack or beverage. I always buy them. The problem is they rarely reciprocate. Occasionally, they'll offer, but more often than not they simply do not go to the concession stand or wait until I go.

At times, I actually hold off getting a soda for fear that it will end up being a $30 trip. They are not otherwise what I would call "cheap." We have never had a problem splitting a restaurant bill.

As I'm sure you are aware, the prices at auditoriums and stadiums are quite steep. Any suggestions? Please hurry, or I may go broke through the playoffs. -- GOING FOR BROKE FOR THE BUCKS

DEAR GOING FOR BROKE: It's time to stop jumping through hoops for your friends. The next time you return from the concession stand with an armload of goodies, announce what each of them owes you for the items they requested. To do so is not considered impolite, and it's better than going broke in the bleachers.

DEAR ABBY: I saw the letters about class projects in which students wrote something nice about the other students, and how appreciated those comments were. Let me tell you about a project with unfortunate results.

I have a sweet, intelligent daughter I'll call "Gina." Two years ago, her fourth-grade teacher asked the students to write something nice about each of the other students, then gave the messages to the student to whom they pertained. The teacher did not look over the messages before she distributed them.

Abby, while Gina received many compliments, they were interspersed with painful, cruel comments such as, "Gina has a big nose," "Gina is fat," "Gina wears ugly clothes," "Gina is dumb." I didn't cry in front of my daughter when I read them, but I broke down later.

When Gina's teacher learned there were hurtful remarks on her paper, she tried to erase them, but the words were still faintly visible. She made the guilty students apologize, but the damage had already been done. I asked Gina if she wanted me to keep the paper because of all the nice comments written there, but she said, "No, I don't ever want to see that paper again."

I know the teacher meant well, but she should have reviewed the comments before she distributed them. Abby, please remind teachers to do that, because even with the most positive exercise, ugliness can show its face. -- MOM OF A WOUNDED DAUGHTER

DEAR MOM: You're right. Children can be cruel, and the teacher was thoughtless and naive to have circulated the papers without first having checked them over. The kind of hurt your daughter experienced can linger for years.

Help Gina explore and develop her talents in an area in which she can shine and receive positive reinforcement. And please reassure her that very few people are universally popular. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like you. Some people require more time than others to develop their social skills.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)