DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of three 20ish children. Our mother passed away many years ago. My sister is being married later this year, and I'm planning several parties for the happy couple. We are also entering into the planning stages of the wedding, but are encountering some difficulty with my father's wife. My problem is that she wants to be included in the planning of every party, as well as the wedding. It's not because we are particularly close to her -- it's to show her "socially elite" friends what a wonderful wedding SHE threw, even though she and my father refuse to pay for anything.

It has reached the point where we have been ordered to include her and her children. I'm tired of dodging the issue, and my siblings and I are tired not only of being nice and polite, but also of including her on things we are trying to plan for ourselves.

Please advise me about how to handle this. -- STEP-STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STEP-STRESSED: Don't dodge the issue -- face it. Since your father and his wife are paying for nothing, tell them in no uncertain terms that "he who pays the piper calls the tune." If your stepmother would like to take over one event, and pay for it, guarantee that you and your siblings will cooperate in every way and attend. And keep in mind that if you want to keep peace in the family in the future, your father, stepmother and step-siblings must be invited to the wedding and reception.

DEAR ABBY: I can't take it anymore. I am 9, and my sister (age 8) is constantly teasing me. Wherever I am, she's always in my face. I do not know what to do. My dad will not let me clobber her, so physical violence is out. Do you have any advice for me? I hope so. -- TEASED IN MENOMINEE, MICH.

DEAR TEASED: If you "clobber" your little sister, it will make her cry, but it won't solve the problem.

Teasing you is her way of trying to get and keep your attention. The more you try to ignore her, or get away from her, the harder she'll try to get you to notice her.

If you pay more attention to her, perhaps she'll be willing to give you more space when you want to do something on your own. Good luck!

DEAR ABBY: I have HAD it, and would like to express my thoughts on racism. Is there any person in the universe, from the beginning of time, who had anything to say at the moment of birth about whether they would be rich or poor, black or white, Hispanic or Asian, tall or short, boy or girl?

I am outraged at the arrogance of those who have decided that they are "better" than others who are different from themselves. If we are all created by a higher power, I would not choose to denigrate his creations. I wish I could tell each person who has ever been hurt by another person's ignorance how sorry I feel. -- MARY JANE, PORT ORCHARD, WASH.

DEAR MARY JANE: Your sentiments are noble. However, if you have done nothing wrong, it shouldn't be your responsibility to apologize.

When I read your letter, I was reminded of a wonderful quote attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "We all may have come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Roseless Rosie," the happily married woman who complained that her husband failed to remember "important" dates, I had to write.

My husband, Gene, is extraordinarily intelligent, kind and compassionate -- not to mention tall, handsome and a great lover. He's nice to me all the time, every day. The only time in 13 years that he came home from work without a great big smile on his face was the day a co-worker died in a tragic auto accident.

Gene's a fantastic father who adopted my daughter from a previous marriage. He is kind and patient with her, our son and my niece and nephew, for whom we are legal guardians.

And guess what? Gene never remembers "important" dates either, but I couldn't care less. Every day is an important day around here. If he ever brought me flowers, I'd probably start laughing and then complain that he had wasted his money! Abby, Gene is the only gift I need and the only one I really want.

"Roseless Rosie" should wise up and stop whining, then count her lucky stars. -- GENE'S WIFE, MOUNT HOLLY, VT.

DEAR GENE'S WIFE: You and your husband are fortunate indeed to have not only each other, but an understanding of what it takes to create an ideal marriage. Please don't be so hard on "Roseless Rosie," because her problem is one that has been presented to me many times.

A great deal of money is poured into promoting and advertising material things for "special occasions" -- and sometimes it causes people to forget that the most important element in a lasting relationship is how they treat each other every day.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to share my experience with "Roseless Rosie." It had been quite a while since my wonderful, loving husband had given me a gift, and that was bothering me. One day I saw a beautiful book of Georgia O'Keefe prints I wanted. I bought it, and told my husband that I had just bought a present for him to give me for my birthday. His response was: "Thank you. What a relief. I didn't know what to give you, and I didn't want to spend money on something you didn't want."

Now, when it's been a while since I have received a present, I ask if he would be "relieved" if I bought myself something -- or would he rather that I went with him to select something, or does he want to "surprise" me.

When I share this story with good friends, we all laugh and someone usually says, "That's a good idea!" -- IT WORKED FOR ME, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR WORKED: I applaud your strong ego and practical thinking. Your letter reminds me of the proverb, "The good Lord helps those who help themselves." Your method takes the stress off your spouse.

DEAR READERS: This was sent to me by Lou Yelnick of Deerfield Beach, Fla.:

"A lecturer was talking on endlessly. The audience started to become fidgety. A husband and wife were in the front row and the man fell asleep. Noticing this, the lecturer became red-faced and whispered to the wife, 'Wake up your husband.'

"She answered, 'You put him to sleep. You wake him up.'"

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Recently one of my dearest friends, "Mary Helen," was forced to perform CPR on her brother "Bill" when he collapsed at their parents' home. Unfortunately, Bill died, and Mary Helen was left wondering if she had somehow performed the CPR incorrectly.

Right after the funeral, a "friend" interrogated Mary Helen about the precise method she used during the CPR. This "friend" then announced that Mary Helen had done it wrong, confirming her worst fear -- that she was responsible for Bill's death. Needless to say, she took the news very hard and blamed herself.

Several weeks later, a doctor told Mary Helen her brother had been suffering from a form of heart failure. Unfortunately Bill had mistaken his symptoms for the flu. After much discussion, the doctor insisted that Mary Helen had performed the CPR correctly, and even if Bill had been in the hospital, his death was inevitable.

Abby, please tell those well-meaning individuals who judge those of us who "fail" at performing CPR to hold their tongues. We don't need a guilt trip. My CPR efforts failed when my husband had a heart attack several years ago. I was 31 years old when I performed CPR with all my might in my nightgown on the floor of our bedroom while our small children slept down the hall. There are people who wondered aloud if I had done everything I could to revive him.

Mary Helen and I already know what it is to lose sleep asking ourselves: "Did I count the breaths wrong? Should I have pushed harder or faster? Is it my fault he died?"

The death of a loved one is hard enough -- but it's even worse when you've tried to do everything right, and someone says you did something wrong, implying the death was your fault. Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to vent. -- EILEEN IN PORT ANGELES, WASH.

DEAR EILEEN: Even when CPR is performed by a trained professional, it doesn't always save lives. You and Mary Helen should have been praised for your efforts rather than chastised because they didn't succeed. Time and again, studies have shown that any CPR efforts are better than none. Be secure in the knowledge that you made every possible effort to save your loved ones when you didn't hesitate to get involved.

Bottom line: Learning CPR is an investment of time everyone should make.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I were childhood sweethearts. We divorced 20 years ago because we couldn't see eye-to-eye on anything. However, since our divorce, we've become friends.

During our marriage, we acquired a sizable collection of unique timepieces. When we divorced, I received "custody" of the collection. I am now considering giving my ex-wife one of the timepieces in the collection as a gift.

I know a present is a present and shouldn't have "strings" attached, but is there any way I can give her one of the clocks with the stipulation that it must be passed on to one of our grandchildren? -- GOING CUCKOO IN CHALMETTE, LA.

DEAR GOING CUCKOO: Since you and your ex-wife are now friends, and this collection once belonged to both of you, discuss it with her to make sure that the future of the collection is something on which you can see eye-to-eye. If it isn't, give her another gift, and leave the collection to your grandchildren in your will.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)