DEAR ABBY: This letter is in response to "Wants to Be Loved in Pennsylvania," whose fiance refused to set a date because he said she "loved him too much." There is one strong, practical, inescapable truth. Almost NO single man, including her fiance, thinks that marriage is a good idea. He associates it with getting old, becoming settled and being tied down. Almost ALL fiances need a strong jolt to upset their satisfied complacency and to make them realize how important and necessary their woman is to them.

She should make herself unavailable to him. No ultimatums, no blame-placing, no arguments. Just a clear announcement that he obviously has different future goals than she, and that she is immediately separating toward hers. And stick to it! If it's meant to be, he will quickly realize that she is essential to his happiness, and he'll discover (as have millions of other married men) how happy and fulfilling the dreaded marital life really is.

Take it from this 79-year-old married man who faced and made that fortunate decision as a 40-year-old bachelor. Believe me, almost all men need that strong kick in the pants to awaken them to what life is really all about. She should stop kicking herself and direct it where it will do some good. -- JOHN H. STEINEMANN, SAN DIEGO

DEAR JOHN: You may speak for a percentage of men of your generation, but you don't speak for all of them. Many men want to be married -- and they want it more than some women do. That's when they write to me. Readers, something tells me this letter will generate some interesting comments from many of you.

DEAR ABBY: You have printed stories in your column about the kindness of strangers. Well, I have a story to tell:

In 1978, my sister and I were traveling together. We visited the London Bridge in Lake Havasu, Ariz. We had some car trouble near Parker, Ariz., and had to be towed to a motel.

After the car was fixed the next day, we toured the Joshua Tree National Monument. At about 2 p.m. we decided we were hungry, so we stopped at a restaurant, only to discover when we entered that they were closed until 4:30 p.m. We asked one of the men sitting at the counter where we could find a restaurant that would be open, since we were traveling and were very hungry. He jumped up and said, "Come on in!"

Abby, the cook was stretched out on the floor napping, but the man got him up to prepare a meal for us. We had pot roast, creamed potatoes, vegetables, biscuits and honey and fresh coffee. We felt like royalty being served in a "closed" restaurant. It was one of the highlights of our trip.

As we were leaving, we took a snapshot of that little restaurant to remind us in years to come how kind they were to total strangers. It was called the Stardust. -- RUTH RANSHAW, HARRISBURG, PA.

P.S. At the time, I was 62 and my sister was 73.

DEAR RUTH: We are bombarded daily with bad news, so it's refreshing to hear stories about acts of kindness. It reaffirms the basic goodness of people.

With a customer service policy like the Stardust's, I hope they're still in business and thriving. Thank you for writing.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I went to Europe on vacation, we asked our next-door neighbor to keep an eye on our house. My husband's parents had volunteered to do it. However, although I have a close and cordial relationship with my in-laws, I felt more comfortable leaving the key with neighbors who are members of our local neighborhood watch group. They could keep a closer eye on things while we were away.

Months later, at Christmas, I discovered my mother-in-law had been in our house several times in our absence "looking for gift ideas." When they gave us a set of pots and pans, she admitted to having gone through the linen closet and our kitchen cupboards. I was shocked, and asked when she had done this. She then disclosed that they had made a duplicate of our hide-a-key and had stopped by on several occasions when our neighbor was at work, just to check our house, "which is so much better than leaving it to a stranger."

My husband and I discussed it and decided not to ruin the holidays by confronting his mom and dad and asking them to return the key.

We are now moving to a new house in a town farther away. I'm sure his folks will want to stay with us when they come to visit, and we will be happy to have them.

We feel that our privacy has been violated. However, we don't want to cause a rift in the family. How can my husband and I prevent them from having the key to our new home duplicated? -- LOOKING FOR PRIVACY, NO CITY, PLEASE

DEAR LOOKING: I understand your desire not to spoil the holidays; however, I sense that you are looking for a solution that will avoid confrontation.

Invest in a keyless entry system for your new home, and change the entry code the day after your in-laws depart. If that isn't feasible, I suggest a heart-to-heart discussion about your privacy, or re-key the locks after they leave.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to be married for the third time, to a woman who is also twice divorced. I love her dearly and I know she loves me, but there's a problem:

"Crissy" wants to keep her last married name for the sake of her daughter so that she and her daughter will have the same last name. The daughter, "Janie," is 9, and Crissy is worried that Janie will feel abandoned if her mother has a different last name. She also says it's easier if school records and medical records show her mother having the same last name.

I feel she should drop her former husband's last name and adopt mine. For her not to do so would be a sign that she isn't going into this marriage with 100 percent commitment. Am I being petty, or do I have a legitimate gripe? -- MY NAME OR HIS?

DEAR MY NAME: Multiple marriages and blended families are so common these days that your wife is worrying needlessly about her daughter's school and medical records. However, if she's afraid Janie would feel "abandoned" if she's the only person in the household with the former name, a compromise might be to hyphenate her present name with yours. It's a popular practice among professional women.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Yuri" for almost 14 years. We have three children. It hasn't always been easy. We have had our differences. Recently, Yuri told me that he loved me less than he used to. Abby, I don't know what to make of this.

Does this mean the love is permanently gone, or do we have a chance of bringing back the flame? -- CONFUSED IN WENDOVER, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband may have meant that the "spark" has dimmed in your marriage -- but I wouldn't call that hopeless. I suspect he was either angry when he said it, or he misses the "excitement" of first love.

Several things can be done to rekindle the passion you once felt for each other. Start thinking about what attracted you and Yuri to each other in the first place, and use that to recapture the magic of your early years together. Consult a marriage counselor to explore what issues might be dividing you. Explore a marriage encounter program designed to make a good marriage even better. If you opt to try this avenue, check with your church about the availability of such programs.

DEAR ABBY: A reader asked you why some people are offended when you ask them their age.

My Eastern European grandmother was a Polish Jew. She died in 1954, when she was in her 90s. She would not divulge her age, or even discuss age in general. Gray hair was not in her makeup either.

Her generation with the same ethnic background believed that the angel of death was constantly looking and seeking candidates. If the angel heard her discussing or revealing her age, he would realize that he had overlooked my grandmother. -- THE VIRGINIA AGE MAVEN

DEAR VIRGINIA AGE MAVEN: (For those who might not know, "maven" means expert or authority in Yiddish.) Thank you for a fascinating letter. It reminded me of another interesting Jewish superstition. The reason Ashkenazy Jewish people do not name their sons "junior" is the fear that the angel of death might confuse the generations and take the child instead of the father.

For a clever response to the age question for those who prefer not to reveal that information, read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter about people who become offended when asked their age, a simple reply will do. Say, "Age is only a number and mine is unlisted." That should stop the curious in their tracks. -- C.G. IN SPRING HILL, FLA.

DEAR C.G.: You are a wit! Another reader wrote that her mother stopped such personal questions with this response: "Can you keep a secret? I can!" With a little humor, even the rudest questions can be answered without divulging personal information.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)