DEAR ABBY: I'm 72 and my wife is 74. She has almost entirely quit doing any housework. She will grudgingly cook a meal now and then. I do the laundry, scrub floors and help with the dishes, but I'm not a homemaker. Her back is very bad but she won't have it looked at. She just complains all the time and says she can't do anything.

I wanted to hire some cleaning people to come in and help, but she won't have that.

We have so many clothes the closets are jammed. Nothing ever gets thrown out, so everything gets piled on the furniture or the floor.

The kitchen cupboards are jammed full because when she wants some canned food, instead of using what we have, it's easier to run out and buy some more. The countertops are loaded with cans and packages of food. She would rather eat out, which we do three or four times a week.

Abby, there isn't a surface in the house that doesn't have stuff piled up on it. To wrap a Christmas package, she had to lay it on the kitchen stove. I have suggested moving to an apartment where there isn't so much work to do, but she won't accept that, either.

Are there any solutions to my dilemma? -- DISTRAUGHT HUSBAND, PITTSBURGH

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: Yes, however they won't be easy. Your family doctor should be informed about your wife's behavior -- and any recent changes you have noticed. She may need a thorough physical and possibly neurological examination. She may be buying the large quantities of food in your kitchen not because it's "easier to run to the store," but because she has forgotten that she already has it.

From your description, your home may have become a fire or health hazard. If your wife is unwilling or unable to discard items you no longer use or need, an inspection by the local fire (or health) department should be scheduled to be certain that the clutter hasn't become a danger to both of you.

Please don't wait. Your wife needs help, and it's time you took charge. It may not be pleasant, but it's necessary for her sake and yours.

DEAR ABBY: Our priest (and friend) told us about the oppression of women in Afghanistan. We were so happy to see your column about their plight, and also the telephone number we could call to become a part of the protest against the rigid restrictions on these women.

Abby, your article must have been a great success. I started calling that number at 7 a.m. on the day that column appeared in our paper, and was not able to get through until 3 p.m.

My concern is that others may have become discouraged and given up trying. Please print the phone number again. -- DOROTHY BOHN, REDMOND, ORE.

DEAR DOROTHY: I have received a bushel of letters from readers who also had problems getting through to the telephone number I published. It seems the Feminist Majority was unprepared for the onslaught of calls that came pouring in -- and although they were able to handle more than 7,000, they estimate they "lost" at least that number. So, Readers, if you were unable to get through, please keep trying. The number to call is 1-888-939-6636.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is very nice, and I think he respects me, but I don't know how to motivate him to take me out once in a while. His idea of fun is sitting home and watching TV. If I decide to go out with my friends because I'm tired of sitting at home, he becomes very insecure. I've tried telling him how I feel, but that hasn't helped. Any ideas? -- MICHELE IN PATASKALA, OHIO

DEAR MICHELE: A compromise is in order. Bring the subject up again when he's in a good mood and the two of you are sharing a close moment. Make a plan to go out with your boyfriend once a week and do something that you enjoy. Another night, get involved in an activity that he enjoys. That way, some of your needs are met -- and eventually he'll be more secure if you have an occasional night out with the girls.

If he makes no effort to understand and accommodate you, it might be time to find another boyfriend.

DEAR ABBY: For many years I have admired your levelheaded and sympathetic advice to readers troubled by life's periodic sorrows, so I mean no disrespect when I ask you to help me understand your recent counsel to people offering their sympathies to grieving parents.

In a recent column about well-meaning but hurtful comments to women who have recently miscarried, you advised: "If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has."

Doesn't it follow then that, "If a friend loses a child through abortion, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has"?

If you'd prefer to answer my question privately, by letter, please do -- I'm enclosing my address. -- LARRY PONT, CHICAGO

DEAR LARRY: I have received a number of letters from readers asking me that same question, so I'll forgo a "private" response and answer you in print. An abortion is something the woman has CHOSEN to have, so the degree of sadness is usually not the same -- or is, in fact, nonexistent.

Interestingly, women often react to an abortion with the same emotions they bring TO it. A woman who has independently concluded that she wants or needs to have an abortion will have fewer negative feelings about it than a woman who was pressured into having one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a semidetached home we saved for years to buy. However, we have a problem with our new neighbors. They are nice people, but they play their stereo so loudly that the boom from the bass is knocking the pictures off our walls! Asking them to stop hasn't worked. Calling the police about the noise takes too long. We don't want to move, but what else can we do? -- ORIGINAL HOME OWNER, OSHAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR ORIGINAL: Since you describe your neighbors as "nice," invite them into your home while their stereo is playing so they can hear what you're talking about for themselves. Then ask them if they would consider moving their stereo system to a wall that is not a shared wall. If that doesn't work, consider upholstering the adjoining wall to help muffle the sound.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious, talented firstborn. What would I do without you? Don't tell me; I don't want to know.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to have a family pet problem without a solution? I live in Virginia. Several years ago my parents retired to Florida after living here for many years.

The problem is they insist on visiting us with their cat and dog several times a year for weeks at a time. At first we accepted this arrangement despite allergies to animals and the dog having regular "accidents" in the house. It has been a sore subject between my husband and me, because he has never been a "pet person."

We recently purchased a new home and have invested in new carpeting. We have been honest with my parents and told them that while we welcome them anytime, to please make other arrangements for their pets.

They are furious about our decision, criticizing us for valuing belongings over family, threatening to never visit our children, and accusing us of "kicking them out." They will never put their animals in kennels.

Are they asking too much of us, or have we unfairly changed the rules on them, as they claim? -- CONFUSED IN RICHMOND

DEAR CONFUSED: People are emotional about their pets and compromise is difficult. On their next visit, encourage your parents to stay at a motel or hotel that accepts pets. Even if you must share the cost of their lodging, it will probably be cheaper than carpet cleaning and the wear and tear on your new home.

DEAR ABBY: For many years I have regarded your column as a neutral observer of human problems. One recurring topic that appears concerns "giving the bride away" at a wedding ceremony. The custom exists worldwide in various ethnic groups.

Historically the custom is based on the centuries-old concept of a woman (daughter) being the property or chattel of the male head of the family (father). It precedes even Biblical practices.

In our contemporary strides for gender equality, the practice hardly seems necessary at a wedding. In all states, a man and a woman enter into a contractual union essentially and legally based on their individual free-will choice. They give themselves to each other. It's not a matter of giving away a female piece of property.

In 16 years I performed more than 25,000 civil ceremonies for couples from 50 states and 81 countries. I rarely permitted the giving away of a bride, making exceptions based on foreign practices. To me, the "giving away" was similar to selling a piece of real estate. I could not, and do not, accept the practice among contemporary brides born in the U.S.A. -- "MARRYIN' SAM" FROM NEVADA

DEAR "MARRYIN' SAM": Your letter is sure to raise the eyebrows of many brides-to-be, although it may not diminish their desire to be "given in marriage" by their fathers. Although the contemporary bride in reality gives herself to her husband, one look through a bridal magazine should be a clue to how she clings to tradition.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)