DEAR ABBY: You were off the mark in your response to "Mom in Connecticut." Even if she and her husband are paying for the wedding, it isn't their wedding. A bride and groom should be able to invite the people they love to enjoy this moment in their lives. For Mom to control the guest list so that "her" event won't be ruined is completely selfish. Mom appears to want to put on a perfect social event, while the groom wants to share one of the most important events in his life with his family. I shudder to think what else Mom may try to control in the young couple's future simply for the sake of appearances. -- ANOTHER MOTHER, SAYRE, OKLA.

DEAR MOTHER: Many readers sided with the groom, saying a wedding is a family affair, not an "adults only" event. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with "Mom in Connecticut" that children should not be at her daughter's wedding. If my sister hadn't allowed children at her wedding, I couldn't have attended because I had no one to care for my 5-year-old daughter.

The children were nieces and nephews of the groom. If it's important to him that his family attend the wedding -- kids and all -- then the bride's family should understand. It's his wedding, too.

A wedding should be a good time with your family around you, with the two families getting acquainted to make one big, happy family. -- LISA FELIX, TUCSON, ARIZ.

DEAR LISA: Read on to see how another family who faced the problem resolved it:

DEAR ABBY: My advice to the mom who is hosting a wedding at which she didn't want children is to arrange for a baby sitter at the reception to keep an eye on the little ones. The children could attend the early part of the reception, and then at an agreed-upon time, the sitter could take the children to another room or location and entertain them.

Abby, I have very fond childhood memories of my cousin's country club wedding reception. I was allowed to dress up and attend the big event for a little while. Of course, I got sleepy before the evening was over, but the children's party had a place for us wee ones to fall asleep while the adults partied on.

This approach would avoid bad feelings just as the marriage is beginning. -- FAITHFUL FAN IN TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR FAITHFUL FAN: A sitter and a separate children's party is an excellent idea. However, some parents think their little darlings belong with the adults for the entire evening, regardless of how fussy or rambunctious they may become, and other parents are unwilling to allow their children to be cared for by a stranger.

NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: You've heard this before, but it bears repeating:

"I expect to pass through life but once. If therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again." (WILLIAM PENN)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married less than six months, and my husband and I are already having problems. The problems stem from a friend and her adult daughter. My husband lived with them for several years, and the daughter became his self-appointed hostess and surrogate wife. (She has a husband who ignores her.)

Since the day we announced our engagement, the planning of our wedding and honeymoon until now, she has tried to control our lives. She and her mother even planned a trip to coincide with our honeymoon so we could "all be together"!

Abby, he is 63 and I'm 43. I don't need her or anyone else planning our lives. My husband is very passive. He refuses to say anything to them in spite of my complaints. He has been friends with her parents for 40 years, and he acts as if he's so committed and loyal to them that he cannot tell them to stay out of our lives.

My husband even allowed the daughter to plan an Easter dinner at our home without my knowledge. She invited all of her friends and family. She tried to plan Thanksgiving dinner at our place, too, until I put my foot down. That made her angry. Now she leaves messages on the answering machine telling my husband to call her.

I have tried explaining to her in a civil manner how I resent her interference. There have been other incidents, and I'm only touching the treetops here. But she has been running my husband's life for so long, my unhappiness falls on deaf ears. I'm at my wit's end. I love my husband, but I can't remain married to a man who's more loyal to his friends than to his wife. What do you think I should do? -- GEORGIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR GEORGIA: Marriage is supposed to be a union between two people -- not four. Old friendships die hard, and it's possible your husband has been so close to this family for so long he's having trouble reorganizing his priorities now that he's a married man.

Tell him how threatened and encroached upon they have made you feel, and that his failure to draw the line is making your life intolerable. And since the wedding vows are so recent, invite the clergyperson who performed your marriage to dinner one evening, to refresh your husband's memory about the meaning of the vows you took together -- particularly the one about forsaking all others.

DEAR ABBY: I would like you to settle an argument that has been going on for a very long time. A member of my family insists that you make up all the letters you put in the paper. I know this is not true.

Will you please print this letter and settle it once and for all? This has been going on long enough. -- UPSET IN VIRGINIA

DEAR UPSET: Although the letters that appear in my column are edited for language and length, there is no way I could make up the thousands of problems that come across my desk every week. And every letter that's published in my column provokes more letters from other readers. The volume and variety are enormous.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In December of last year, I was traveling to college to take my final exams when I was in a serious automobile accident. It had been snowing most of the morning and I lost control of my car. I hit the guardrail, a large truck, a tree -- and ended up in a ditch.

When my car stopped spiraling out of control, I got out, and as I stood in the snow, I screamed but no sounds came out. I was crying, but no tears rolled down my cheeks. My body was in shock.

The first person to stop at the accident was Molly. She came to me, put her arms around me and held me. When she did that, I collapsed. I was so scared and so alone. She took me to her car where it was warm and safe. She calmed me by telling me about her young children and her Christmas tree. She was like a guardian angel. We sat in her car until the state police arrived.

After the police and rescue arrived, everything happened so fast I never got the chance to give Molly a hug and properly thank her.

Abby, would you please print my letter and my message to this dear woman? I'd like to say, "Molly, thank you for what you did for me. You were an angel, and I'll never forget you." -- SHEBA COTE, WINSLOW, MAINE

DEAR SHEBA: I'm pleased to publish your letter and message. Guardian angels are people who think first with their hearts. If Molly wasn't a heavenly angel, she was as close to one as a human being can get on that snowy day. Thank you for sharing your story.

DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter and her husband have been married just five years, and now they want to renew their wedding vows. Their first ceremony was a "quickie" before a local judge with no family or friends present.

Would it be proper for them to renew their wedding vows in a church with a reception afterward? If so, who pays for the event, and do the guests bring gifts? -- CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR CONFUSED: A renewal or reaffirmation of wedding vows has become increasingly popular in recent years, usually for couples who have been married 10 or more years. Traditionally, wedding vows are repeated on the couple's anniversary, with each promising to continue to "love, honor and cherish."

There is no right or wrong way to renew one's wedding vows. It can be done as formally as a church ceremony (white gown and all), or as casually as giving a party, inviting a clergyperson, and verbalizing your love and commitment to each other in the privacy of your living room, surrounded by family and friends.

The couple pays for the event, including the reception. No gifts from the guests are expected, although it would be gracious to bring the couple a gift to mark their latest wedding anniversary. They may wish to exchange rings again, either old or new.

DEAR ABBY: At the risk of sounding prejudiced, can you tell me why so many Jewish celebrities constantly remind everyone that they are Jewish? For example, there is Larry King, Dr. Laura and Judge Judy. I have watched or listened to other celebrities for years, and they don't give you a clue as to their ethnic background or religious persuasion, which is fine with me. This seems to be a Jewish trait. Can you explain it? -- CURIOUS, TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR CURIOUS: I was not aware that "so many Jewish celebrities" constantly remind everyone that they are Jewish. The reasons probably vary from individual to individual. You will have to ask Larry King, Dr. Laura or Judge Judy.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)