DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, I came out of the closet. I had been married for 18 years and had two children -- a son, 15, and a daughter, 17. At the time, I decided that for 40 years I had lived my life for everyone else, and it was time to live my life for myself.

I have had a lover for seven years. We have a loving and compassionate relationship. At the time I "came out," my family disowned me, and we have not talked since. My son, on the other hand, kept in touch. He and his fiancee have visited my lover and me several times, and we have enjoyed a good relationship over the years. During that time, my lover and I have been very generous to my son with birthday and Christmas gifts, and even bought him a new car. When he and his fiancee visited us on several occasions, we all got along well. They met our gay friends and socialized with us.

Last week, my son called to say they were sending out wedding invitations. I am welcome, but my lover is not. I explained to him that we are just as much a couple as my brother and his wife, or my sister and her husband. He told me that he did not want his friends to know he had a gay father, and therefore, my lover would not be allowed to attend.

I told him that if my lover could not attend, then I would not attend. If he cannot accept us openly, and if he's ashamed of our relationship, then I really do not want any further contact with him.

We are very hurt. For the last eight years he appeared to accept our relationship, especially when it came to gifts and several free trips for him and his fiancee to visit us.

Abby, am I wrong? I'll be interested in your comments. -- SAD IN PALM SPRINGS

DEAR SAD: You are NOT wrong. Being gay (or straight) is not a matter of choice. People who do not know this belong in the dark ages. I hate to see you break your last remaining tie with your family, but I respect your decision not to attend the wedding.

DEAR ABBY: I just moved to Los Angeles two months ago, but my boyfriend of five months will not be able to move from Houston to California for another four years.

So far, we call every other night, send e-mails, and we plan to visit each other as often as we can. Do you think it is possible for us to maintain this long-distance relationship for four years? -- LOST IN LOVE IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR LOST IN LOVE: I'm doubtful. It's easy to put your faith in the old quote, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," but the reality is that when you find yourself alone on a Saturday night or at a party, another expression will come to mind: "Out of sight, out of mind."

CONFIDENTIAL TO "LOCKED UP IN SAN DIEGO": You must find the courage to perform another "brave" deed. Write a short note to the San Diego chief of police. Explain that you have been locked in a house with no access to a telephone, by a husband who has raped and beaten you. Ask him to help you get out. The police can help you locate a shelter for abused women. After that, regardless of what your husband promises, stay away and do not look back!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was in high school and college, I was very promiscuous. I'm only 19 and have already had more than 10 sex partners. Because of this I have lost many friends, and at this point, I have no one to turn to.

I am changing now and have made some modifications in my life to raise my self-esteem. I know now that when I was younger, in order to feel wanted, I was willing to do anything to get attention. I now feel better about myself, but I'm finding it difficult to live down my bad reputation. People seem to have a hard time forgiving and forgetting.

Abby, I don't want to have to move. I just want people to accept me as I am now. Any suggestions how I can lose my past? -- REPENTED IN OREGON

DEAR REPENTED: Your situation reminds me of a saying I heard many years ago: "A woman's virtue is like a fine painting. Once its authenticity is questioned, it's never quite the same." People have long memories -- and they love to talk -- so even though you have turned over a new leaf, it could take many years to live down your past. Starting over in a new location would be easier, faster and probably more effective.

DEAR ABBY: What is the protocol for a young woman who has a wedding shower and two weeks later postpones her wedding? How does she go about notifying the people who attended the shower? And what should be done with the gifts? -- MR. WONDERING

DEAR MR. WONDERING: A brief note from the bride-to-be, explaining to the shower guests that the wedding has been postponed, should suffice.

There are no hard-and-fast rules about the rest of the scenario. Courtesy and common sense should prevail. If a wedding is canceled, unused gifts should be returned with a brief note. Since a postponement is not a cancellation, only a delay, the gifts need not be returned. However, if the postponement is expected to be a matter of many months, with little realistic expectation that the wedding will ever take place, the gifts should be returned.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a longtime fan, and have often thought of thanking you for your commitment to the needs of children. This letter is especially prompted by a recent column in which you quoted the verse, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I agree with you that "nothing could be further from the truth."

Several years ago, I was teaching a lesson in a first-grade classroom. We were talking about how words can hurt worse than being hit. I used the same "sticks and stones" quote, and a shy little girl raised her hand. She said she had made up a different ending. This is what she said: "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can break your heart."

It is a moment I will never forget and reminded me once again how privileged I am to work with children. -- SHERI WINKLEMAN, COUNSELOR, SPRINGFIELD, ORE.

DEAR SHERI: The child's words were profound. From the mouths of babes ...

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me the letter from "A Loving Mom" was an old one, dredged up from the 1950s. This woman needs a reality check if she's concerned with her daughter, at age 19, marrying a man who can keep her in the lifestyle to which her parents have accustomed her. She should be more concerned with her daughter's choice of a career path as a schoolteacher if she's worried about her daughter's ability to maintain her extravagant lifestyle. This is 1999, for crying out loud.

I had hoped that we had evolved beyond women expecting men to support them in this day and age when women are just as capable of generating their own wealth. Are we still applying this obsolete double standard where men are still expected to be the primary provider for the family, while we are competing with women for jobs? -- CHRISTOPHER, AN EQUAL PARTNER IN MY MARRIAGE, GLEN ALLEN, VA.

DEAR CHRISTOPHER: The mother's thinking may have been from the '50s, but the letter was current. I received an armload of letters criticizing me for failing to come down hard on the mother, who may be perceived as being a "U.S. Grade A snob." My thinking was that having raised her, the mother had a pretty good insight into the daughter's adaptability -- and the time to discuss her feelings about the boy's "prospects" was before a serious commitment was made. Now, let's hear it from the readers:

DEAR ABBY: My advice to "Arnie," the boyfriend, is to run like the wind away from that family, especially the mother. The values the girl was raised with will surely surface to make his life miserable. -- LINDA IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: "Loving Mom" described how successful her husband is, and listed the material things they have enjoyed over the years. But, Abby, she never once mentioned any terms of endearment about her marriage. Life and happiness are not about storing up material things; they're about mutual caring and having a soul mate to share your life with. We as a society need to care about people, not "things." -- A LOVING HUSBAND, HULMEVILLE, PA.

DEAR ABBY: In an age where infidelity and sexual violence rule the headlines, it angers me that this mother feels that "'Arnie,' a fine young man who loves my daughter," who admirably attends college part-time while working, is not making the grade.

So Mom is concerned that her daughter might have to forgo the new cars and nice vacations she has grown up with, and live with a more average income? Please! Yet the letter is signed "A Loving Mom." How about "A Materialistic Mom"? If daughter was as concerned as mother about living on Easy Street, my guess is that she would have dumped Arnie long ago.

I vehemently disagree with your advice to the mother to have a talk with her daughter. Abby, it's the MOM who needs a talking-to. Well-meaning she may be, but I wish she'd wake up to the idea that love and wealth do not go hand-in-hand. -- RANKLED IN ROCHESTER, N.Y. (A MALE READER)

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)