DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man who is in the middle of a nasty divorce, ending a 10-year marriage. I married to hide the fact that I am gay from my conservative religious parents and family.

This divorce has been a terrible experience for both my wife and me, and we will bear the scars of this broken relationship for many years to come. The irony is, my parents have fully accepted my homosexuality and are extremely supportive.

How I wish I had waited until I was strong enough to deal honestly with my sexuality instead of getting married. Young men who are in my shoes need to heed my advice: "Give yourselves time to come to terms with your sexuality." Lesbians, too, should know that they can be happy and live rewarding and productive lives if they accept themselves as they are.

Abby, my effort to become a heterosexual was a total farce for me! Gays and lesbians should find a supportive therapist and give themselves time to mature. If one person learns from my terrible mistake, it will make it worth the pain. -- 20/20 HINDSIGHT IN NEW YORK

DEAR 20/20: Thank you for sending a message that many people -- gay and straight -- will appreciate. I am reminded of a quote from Shakespeare: "This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, you ran a letter signed "Grieving" that listed some things people should not say to a couple who has lost a child by miscarriage. I still hurt after 15 years, and I'm the grandmother. You may use my name. -- NANA IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR NANA: I'm sorry. Losing a child is one of life's most painful tragedies -- one almost too difficult to bear. Of course I will print the column again so that well-meaning people will not offer sympathetic comments that only increase the pain:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I wanted so much to have this child, and we almost made it, but I miscarried a baby boy in my sixth month and he couldn't be saved. This tragedy was heartbreaking enough, but some of the "comforting" comments from well-meaning friends made it even worse.

Abby, will you please ask your readers NEVER to try to comfort a woman who has lost a premature baby with any of the following comments -- and if you can add anything, please do:

-- "Cheer up, you're still young. You can try again."

-- "You have one child already. Be thankful for what you have."

-- "It was God's will. Praise the Lord."

-- "You could have been lucky; it might not have been normal."

-- "Don't be so downhearted -- it isn't as though you lost a CHILD." -- GRIEVING

DEAR GRIEVING: To the above well-intentioned but inappropriate comments, I can repeat some advice I have frequently offered: To the parents, a miscarriage is the loss of a child. They have anticipated, planned for and prepared for the child, which they will never have. Regardless of how many other children they may have, one child will never replace the one who was lost.

If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a "living" child. Because she has.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance, "Bob," and I have a problem. It seems like every few days we receive an invitation to a birthday party for someone in his large extended family. Just yesterday, we received an invitation to a joint celebration for both his aunt's birthday (she will be 41) and his cousin, who will be 22. The problem is, none of these people ever send Bob a birthday card. He does receive cards from his immediate family, one of his two grandmothers and my family, but nothing from any of his extended family.

Abby, it hurts him when they forget his birthday, especially when we receive an invitation to yet another family birthday. I don't feel comfortable saying anything to them on his behalf.

Is there anything we can do? -- FEELING FRUSTRATED

DEAR FEELING: Do you send cards to these family members whether or not they're having a party? If you do, then they should reciprocate.

If you want your fiance's family to make a fuss about his birthday, throw him a party and invite them. Far better to perpetuate family traditions than to do nothing and brood because they don't observe your fiance's birthday in the way you think they should.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 30-year-old male. Three years ago I met a wonderful woman two years my junior. We dated, fell in love and became engaged.

During the last year, we've been arguing about personality differences (disrespectful behavior, selfishness, insecurities -- the usual stuff). We love each other very much; however, we have both behaved inappropriately when we were angry.

She broke off the engagement. I desperately want to work this out, but she's acting very cold and says she's not sure she wants to marry me. I've told her I'm sorry, that the issues we fought about are trivial and we can work them out, but she is hurt and afraid.

Abby, what do I do now? -- STRICKEN IN CONNECTICUT

DEAR STRICKEN: Back off for a while, but try to maintain contact until she calms down. She may change her mind after a cooling-off period.

Meanwhile, the library has many books on relationships. Among them are some that teach couples how to fight "constructively." It's a skill that isn't always taught in public schools or even in many homes, because the majority of people have never learned how to disagree without alienating the other person. Learning this important lesson can help you detour from bumpy roads ahead.

DEAR ABBY: When you have made the suggestion in past columns to offer making a visitor's reservation at a nearby motel -- who is supposed to pay for it?

Is it assumed that the visitor will pay for his own accommodations, or is it assumed that with the offer of making the reservation comes the obligation to pay for it? Thank you for your answer on this one. -- JUST WONDERING

DEAR JUST WONDERING: The visitor should pay the bill for the accommodations.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this in the hope that it will help other young people at risk with credit cards. I had to live this experience to know, but perhaps my hard-earned lesson will help others.

The first time you open an envelope containing a small, hard piece of plastic with your name on it, the battle is lost. With credit card in hand, you rush off to the mall. Once you have used the plastic to activate it, it's, "Look out world, here I come!" You see something you want -- you buy it. You may experience a momentary twinge of guilt, but you'll worry about it later.

Some people think this is because of the kind of personality you have, or the way you were raised, or that you didn't learn the value of money when you were young. None of that was a factor with me, nor is it with many other young people. I think that at age 18, the temptation is just too strong.

I'm not the only person in my circle of friends who's in this situation. At 18, earning $5.50 an hour, I had no money experience and no business having a credit limit of around $3,500. Thanks to my creditors -- who aren't in it for the best interests of consumers -- I'm working to pay off debts of more than $10,000. After four years, I've only reduced it to $6,500. The interest, late payment fees and finance charges are double my original purchases.

Perhaps hearing this firsthand from someone under 25 will help young people at risk: Listen to your parents about the dangers of credit. Please think twice about your future, because if you use plastic now, your future credit rating won't be worth the paper it's printed on. Trust me. I know from experience. Now I pay only with cash when I can afford to splurge, which isn't often. But it's far more rewarding and less stressful. -- NO MORE CREDIT, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR NO MORE CREDIT: I'm printing your letter for all to see as a warning. However, perhaps you should place the blame for your predicament a little closer to home. According to the publication Credit World (March/April 1998), credit cardholders between the ages of 18 and 24 account for only 18 percent of late payments -- while consumers ages 34 to 44 account for 29 percent, the largest proportion of overdue bills. In fact, the generation of Americans born in the mid-'70s and who are quietly coming of age are ambitious, enterprising and responsible young adults.

Learning responsible use of credit is vital. According to Teen-Age Research Unlimited, 39 percent of America's 18- and 19-year-olds have credit cards in their own names. Students should ask their teachers whether personal financial literacy information or training is provided in their curriculum. If it's not, educators should know that free workshops are offered by Consumer Credit Counseling Service. Contact it at (800) 388-2227.

DEAR ABBY: Can I get pregnant when I am getting or having my menstrual period? Can a girl get pregnant having her first intercourse? -- WORRIED GIRLFRIEND IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR WORRIED GIRLFRIEND: Yes to both questions. Unless a girl's menstrual periods are 100 percent "regular," there is no absolutely "safe" time. Very few girls have perfectly regular cycles, and because of this, the rhythm method (also known as "baby roulette") is unreliable. Also, a boy can father a child from the time he experiences his first ejaculation, which usually occurs between the ages of 11 and 15.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.