DEAR ABBY: I can't decide what to do. I am a 44-year-old man. In 1996, my wife left me after 19 years of marriage. I have one daughter who stayed with me during the separation.

During the first year of our split, I tried very hard to persuade my wife to return home, even though I knew she was having an affair with a married man.

In 1997, I finally gave up on wooing her back and started seriously dating a wonderful younger woman. Soon we were madly in love. All my friends and my daughter fell in love with my new love.

My wife, waiting our divorce, saw what was happening and decided she wanted to come back home. After trying so hard for so long and for my daughter's sake, I decided to take my wife back and try again. It has been very difficult. We've been seeing a marriage counselor, but we fight all the time. Every time there's an argument I think of my lost love. We never fought. My wife is very strong-willed and extremely jealous of every woman who speaks to me, although I never cheated on her.

My girlfriend was heartbroken when I broke it off, but she has stayed out of my life for the last six months because she doesn't want to be a home-wrecker. She now knows things aren't going well at home. I have called her a couple of times. She has made it clear she wants me back, but only after the marriage is over.

I am ready to give up again on my wife. She knows I am not happy, and blames me for not trying hard enough. My wife hasn't slept in our bed for two weeks. My friends see the stress and tell me I should go with my heart. I'm torn about what to do. Can you help me decide what would be best for everyone involved? -- MIXED-UP IN MISSOURI

DEAR MIXED-UP: If on some level you didn't want to salvage your marriage, you would have left again instead of writing to me. You and your wife are where you belong right now -- in counseling, trying to resolve your differences. Sometimes putting the spotlight on problems aggravates the pain before it can be healed. Your wife needs to find a way of coping other than sleeping in another bed. Stop calling your ex-girlfriend and telling her how bad things are. It isn't fair to your daughter, your wife or this young woman to keep everyone in limbo. Concentrate your efforts on reviving your marriage. Then, if it doesn't work out, you'll know in your heart you gave 100 percent -- and you won't have to ask me to decide what's right for you. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: Why are some people offended when you ask them their age?

This question has been puzzling me for years. I am 66. I know it is none of my business how old someone is, and that there are some legal restrictions about asking, but when I meet someone new, I'm tired of asking where they work, live, or if they are married. Perhaps your readers can tell me why some people are so sensitive about the age issue. -- GORDON REOME, CANANDAIGUA, N.Y.

DEAR GORDON: We live in a youth-oriented society, and some older individuals feel less valued because of their age and are sensitive about revealing it. In other societies, age is respected and revered. We could learn from them.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need some advice. My daughter, her husband and three girls moved into my home when my husband was ill five years ago. They were a big help to me when my husband was terminally ill with cancer. My son-in-law was always there during the night when I needed him. We get along well. He takes care of repairs and I have a free mind. I have my part of the house; they have theirs. They also help with all of the expenses.

My problem is his family -- especially his mother. I never had a mother-in-law. My husband's mother died before I knew him. Every time my son-in-law's mother comes here, she has to criticize something or complain about something. I'm ready to scream. This is my home, and I'm capable of making my own decisions. I may be 80 years old, but I still do volunteer work and keep up on all the local and world news. Reading is my hobby.

I try to deal with the criticism by being thankful for what I have. I have my health, my own home, and I'm still able to handle important things.

Every time I see her coming into the yard I feel like screaming. Other members of the family feel the same way. Abby, can you help me? His family takes over every weekend. I have a beautiful deck, but I don't use it when they're here. -- TRAPPED AT HOME

DEAR TRAPPED: There's no reason why you should have to feel trapped in your own home. You are all adults. It's time for a frank talk with your daughter, your son-in-law and his mother about how her criticism and complaints make you feel. From your description, she has been thoughtless and tactless.

You should be able to enjoy quiet time at home on some weekends if you wish. However, unless you speak up, no one will know how you feel. Please don't be shy or wait to clear the air. If you're "ready to scream," I'd say you're long overdue.

DEAR ABBY: My marriage was in need of repair. My husband and I had been fighting a lot. He told me that if I didn't like it, I could pack my things and go. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end.

One night I couldn't sleep because I was so upset with him. All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him. I knew that if I didn't banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a long time before I fell asleep. I decided to think, instead, of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and placed it in his briefcase.

The next morning, he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me. When he came home that evening, he put my "list" in a frame and hung it on the wall. We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.

I thought some of your readers might like to try this recipe for renewed love. It was so simple -- and well worth the effort. -- HAPPY AGAIN IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAPPY AGAIN: What a terrific idea for warming up a glacial marriage. Your list of the things you loved about your husband obviously meant a great deal to him. When we focus only on what a person is doing wrong, we tend to undervalue what he or she is doing right.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is contemplating moving in with her boyfriend next spring. She is 21, he is 22. They have been dating for nearly two years. They have both completed two years of college, but have not made plans to continue their education.

Both have been employed in good summer jobs, but they have no prospects for steady employment. She lives with us and he lives with his parents.

Her father and I don't want to see them live together for all the reasons that seem obvious to us. It seems like we have no good arguments against this plan. Could you give us any help? -- CONCERNED MOM IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CONCERNED MOM: The old adage "two can live as cheaply as one" is baloney. Ask them how they plan to pay the rent, utilities, license fees, car insurance, doctor bills, buy groceries and clothing, and build a nest egg for retirement.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious," whose in-laws expect her and her family to stick to the in-laws' schedule when they come to visit, was understanding and appropriate. "Furious" is making a mountain out of a molehill. If her in-laws lived in Hawaii and she was in New York, or vice versa, the time difference would be as much as six hours, and THEN it would be worth getting upset about. However, since only one hour is involved, "Furious" should just grin and bear it. If this is the most serious in-law problem she has, she should count her blessings. -- R.W. IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR R.W.: Thank you for the supportive letter. However, quite a few seniors chastised me for my reply. They told me people in their 60s are not too set in their routines to adapt, and old dogs CAN learn new tricks.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about "Furious," whose husband threatened to divorce her if she didn't keep quiet about his parents sticking to their own time schedules when they were visiting. What kind of husband would divorce his wife of 27 years for voicing her opinion and standing up for her rights -- something he obviously can't do?

I've had a few run-ins with my in-laws, so I know where she's coming from. They started throwing insults my way, but I stood up for myself. They didn't speak to me for months. When my husband made excuses for them, I sat him down and helped him understand how upset and hurt I felt. He finally realized that our marriage was his No. 1 priority, and insisted his parents apologize to me.

Abby, his parents were stunned at first, but now they show me some respect.

A simple solution would be for "Furious" and her family to push up their schedule by half an hour, and for his parents to push theirs back by half an hour. This way everyone compromises and they all win. Sign me ... WIVES SHOULD COME FIRST, LONG ISLAND, N.Y.

DEAR WIVES: Compromise. That's a very good idea. A little give-and-take would make the in-laws' visit much more palatable.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)