DEAR ABBY: You hear so much about caregivers abusing children in the home, but the same thing can happen to the elderly when you rely on home care. My mother and stepfather had live-in care until he passed away. My sister and I were left with full responsibility for Mom, who is 95 and has Alzheimer's disease. We debated putting her in a nursing home, but decided she'd be better off in familiar surroundings, so we kept her at home with "Inga," a live-in caregiver who had been recommended by a previous live-in. We visited Mom often, usually the two of us together.

Mom can barely walk with a walker, so we don't try to take her out anymore. Imagine our shock when the police called one night, saying they had Mom at the police station. Inga had been arrested for shoplifting. After being put into a squad car, she told police she had left Mother in a car in the parking lot. However, she refused to tell them who my mother was! Miraculously, Mom remembered her address, but not her name. The police went to her home, found someone in the house (to this day we don't know who), and located my phone number.

We had questioned Inga about missing items at the house. Food disappeared unusually fast and so did detergent. Phone bills and utilities were also higher than usual. We don't know how many times Mom had been left alone in the car during Inga's shoplifting sprees. Because of her poor memory, Mom couldn't tell us. When we cleaned out Inga's closet, we found many stolen items. Later, neighbors told us they had seen strange people coming and going out the back door. We suspect they had been sleeping in the attic or the basement.

We now have another live-in who seems trustworthy, but my sister and I drive by the house occasionally at night, talk to Mom's neighbors, and vary the days and hours we visit. No one in this situation should have a set routine. Relatives should drop in unexpectedly and keep their eyes open. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. -- STILL IN SHOCK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STILL IN SHOCK: Your letter is sure to be a wake-up call for many children of older adults. The obvious lesson to be learned is the importance of hiring through a reputable agency. When selecting and evaluating a respite-care service, help is available from the local Alzheimer's Association. In its "Respite Care Guide: How to Find What's Right for You," the association suggests that a prospective caregiver be asked the following questions:

-- "What is your training?"

-- "Why are you interested in this job?"

-- "What are your past/current home-care experiences?"

-- "Have you ever worked with someone with dementia?"

-- "When/how often are you available? Do you have backup if you're unable to come?"

-- "Are you bonded?"

-- "Who can I talk to at your agency if I have a concern?"

-- "Tell me about yourself ... your interests? Hobbies?"

-- "Why did you leave your past job?"

-- "Do you have any references?"

Do not settle on someone who doesn't make you feel comfortable. Interview several helpers, if necessary, to find the right person for your particular situation.

To purchase the "Respite Care Guide," call the Alzheimer's Association's toll-free number: (800) 272-3900. The cost is $1.75 per booklet. The guide can also be purchased at local Alzheimer's Association chapters.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the wine taster with an alcohol problem prompts this letter. I, too, live in Napa, Calif. -- and the letter you ran that described the winery worker's on-the-job alcohol abuse is a dirty little secret here in "wine country."

Should I become injured or killed in an auto accident on local roads, my family knows what to do. I told them to look into the driver's recent whereabouts, and if the driver is a wine tasting-room employee to seek compensation from both the driver and the employer! The same holds true if the driver was a guest at the wine tasting room and is inebriated.

The letter said the woman's supervisor was aware of her drinking problem. In my opinion, this makes the winery at least equally responsible in a highway accident -- perhaps more so if they have not attempted to resolve the problem.

The supervisor should use company money to get the alcoholic employee into a treatment program. There happens to be a premier treatment facility in the heart of Napa Valley.

In the meantime, the worried co-worker should drive herself to work -- that is, unless she wants to make her survivors wealthy. -- AVOIDS THE ROADS WHEN I CAN

DEAR AVOIDS THE ROAD: Telling your survivors to sue the winery will do nothing to protect YOU. Few of us can avoid traveling on roads and highways, so let me repeat a message that longtime readers have seen before: If you have been drinking, do not drive. If you are driving, do not drink. And do not RIDE with a driver who has been drinking or using drugs. The biggest liability settlement in history is no compensation for the tragedy of lost life and limb -- and that's the result when someone under the influence gets behind the wheel.

As you have pointed out, treatment is available. Effective, free self-help programs like Alcoholics Anonymous exist in almost every community. Telling someone at work, at home, in your neighborhood or your social life that you're concerned about his or her substance abuse isn't easy. People in denial usually don't welcome these conversations and may react with anger; however, speaking up instead of remaining silent may prevent a terrible tragedy.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the woman who wanted to name her son "the third," even though his name won't be identical to his father's or grandfather's. She told you that "English kings do it all the time."

Abby, please inform that woman that the number after a king's name is a historical designation only. It's not part of his name and is not used during his lifetime. The king now known as Henry VIII was called "King Henry" in his time. Although he was the son of King Henry VII, he wasn't even related to Kings Henry I through VI. He would have had to be the eighth Henry in his family to carry the number VIII after his name while he was living.

Unless the mother plans to crown her son king (in which case he would be the first, not the third), she must use her husband's and father-in-law's exact name in order to call her son a III. Please sign me ... ROYALLY SPEAKING

DEAR R.S.: How clearly you explain the system! Thank you for clarifying the numbering of England's kings. It is also the system used to number other European monarchs, as well as the popes of the Catholic Church.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice. In 1995, I married a wonderful man who has been an excellent father to my three sons. I love him with all my heart.

For the past few months, I've been accusing him of cheating on me. He leaves for work early, has been taking showers, shaving and dressing nicely to go to work in a factory. In the past, he hasn't worried about his looks so much.

Every time I say something like, "Lookin' good for her, huh?" he gets mad. He insists he's not fooling around and never would. I have a hard time believing him.

He says I'm pushing him away by accusing him of cheating, but I can't help it. I'm so scared that I'm giving this man my heart and soul, and I'm afraid of the power he holds in his hands to break me.

My self-esteem is on the low side. I've gained some weight and am feeling old. Our sex life is so-so. I'm not very satisfied, and I have been open and direct about telling him what I like. He acts like he doesn't hear me, which also makes me believe he has someone else.

I've never loved any other man like this and would be devastated if there is another woman. Is it me? Please tell me how to get help for this insecurity. -- MISERABLE IN INDIANA

DEAR MISERABLE: Please don't let your insecurities ruin a good marriage. Believe your husband when he says you are pushing him away by accusing him of adultery. For me to doubt his truthfulness, you would have to produce more convincing evidence of "misconduct" than his going to work early, showering and dressing presentably, being a good stepfather to your sons and bringing home a regular paycheck.

You can improve your self-esteem by having a medical checkup and getting back into shape. Joint counseling could help you deal with your irrational jealousy and perhaps improve your sex lives. Get going.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years but have not come across my problem. My husband, "Mark," is afraid to drive.

When we first married 10 years ago, it wasn't such a problem. We lived in the city and the commute wasn't bad. We now have two children, 6 and 3, and I want to move from the city, but we can't unless buses and trains are within walking distance.

Mark took driving lessons and obtained his license. The trainer told him that all he needs is practice, but he's too afraid to get it.

Abby, Mark is 40 years old, and it's only going to be more difficult for both of us as the years go by. My daughter attends private school and dance lessons, both of which I drive her to. Soon our son will be old enough to go to school and participate in sports. I can't split myself in two to provide transportation for both of our children, my husband and our needs. I suggested counseling, but he refused.

Do you have any suggestions? -- DRIVEN CRAZY

DEAR DRIVEN: A phobia is defined as an irrational fear. Your husband is phobic about driving a car. There is medical help available for his problem, but in order to get it, Mark must first have a frank discussion with his doctor. Make an appointment for him, and insist that he keep it.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)