DEAR ABBY: My daughter is a 19-year-old college sophomore who is studying to become a teacher. Her longtime boyfriend, "Arnie," is a 21-year-old part-time student who works and goes to college. He has not chosen a major yet.

Abby, Arnie is a fine young man who loves my daughter, but he doesn't have much direction and hasn't given much thought to the future. He has received little guidance from his parents, who don't seem to care if he graduates from college or not. His siblings went to work straight out of high school.

This concerns me because my husband is a successful businessman, and our family has a very nice lifestyle. We drive new cars, go on nice vacations and are putting our three children through college. I know if my daughter marries Arnie, they probably will never be able to afford the lifestyle she is accustomed to.

Should I express my concerns to my daughter, and try to give Arnie some advice, or mind my own business? -- A LOVING MOM

DEAR MOM: By all means express your concerns to your daughter, if you can do so without alienating her and Arnie. Do not, however, speak to the young man about his perceived shortcomings; your daughter should do that if she feels his lack of ambition is a problem.

It's fine to offer advice to your daughter if you leave it up to her to follow or discount it. But if you alienate Arnie, it might unite them in the face of adversity.

DEAR ABBY: I have a great marriage and a group of close friends. We spend a lot of time together, as couples and individually, and have a great time.

One of the friends in my group is a single male. He is unhappy about the situation, but he's too shy to seek out a relationship, too proud to let his friends introduce him to a woman, and too private to discuss his feelings in depth. However, I know that he feels self-conscious as the only "unattached" member of the group. How can I help my friend? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN BERKELEY

DEAR CONCERNED: Bless you for wanting to help. In an active college community like Berkeley, there are many single women available. Be subtle about it, but include a few "singles" along with your friend in some of your group activities and let nature take its course. If something develops -- you'll get an "A" in chemistry.

DEAR ABBY: This is a thank-you note. For many years, I have found your column to be terrific and insightful. The questions, problems and solutions you have offered have helped me throughout my life in relationships, marriage and the raising of two fine children, as well as in business.

I have read your column since I was 14 years old, and as I approach my 50th birthday, and my wife and I near our 25th anniversary, it seemed a good idea to let you know that you've had a positive impact.

Sometimes it's been years before your advice has come in handy, but I am grateful to have had your wise counsel in advance of the problems.

Abby, in the school of life, you're been a great educator. -- STEVE SAETA, CAMARILLO, CALIF.

DEAR STEVE: Thank you! I, too, was a student once, and we all learn from others more experienced than ourselves.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 51-year-old man, married to a woman who has been down the aisle three times. I love her very much, and I know she loves me. However, she has a habit that's beginning to bother me a great deal. She never misses an opportunity to bash men!

Whenever she hears -- or reads about -- a man who has gotten himself in trouble with alcohol, gambling or womanizing, she remarks, "Typical male," then does 10 minutes about how all men are pigs. The other day, a neighbor came over to show us her new puppy. I went to pet the puppy and this neighbor said, "Be careful, I don't think she likes men!" Then my wife said, "Smart dog!"

She hates her daughters' husbands and boyfriends, and she cannot stand any of my male friends. She seems happiest when she's commiserating with other women about how they've been wronged or hurt by the men in their lives.

Unlike her two previous husbands, I am a faithful and loving life-partner who is not a wife beater, philanderer or liar. I've asked her to please stop spewing her venom while I'm in the room, but now she thinks it's funny when I react. It's obvious that if she thinks all men are pigs, she shouldn't have married another one. How can I make her understand that her constant male-bashing is harming our relationship? -- TIRED OF HEARING IT IN TEMPE, ARIZ.

DEAR TIRED: I'm surprised you didn't notice this about her before you were married, because her anger at men appears to be long-standing and deep-seated. Many a hurtful remark is said in "jest." The next time she does it, tell her plainly how much it hurts when she talks that way.

Counseling may help her understand her negative perspective. Suggest it, and offer to go with her. If she refuses, go alone. At least it will give you some insight into her behavior and some techniques that may help you deal with her negativity.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter in your column from Mr. Beard of Sacramento, I'm compelled to write in support of his assertion that we CAN all get along. While far from home, Mr. Beard, a black man, was loaned a hearing aid by a white audiologist named Mr. Potter.

When I was a child growing up in the South, my father ran a medical clinic. He worked long hours serving the health needs of a small community. He performed and assisted with many surgeries on black and white people, Jews and Gentiles. He used to tell me, "All people are pretty much the same color on the inside, and THAT'S where you need to look." It was excellent advice.

Mr. Potter, the audiologist, must be one of those who "sees" what is important in all of us, and trusts that which he cannot see.

I agree with Mr. Beard. We can all get along if we look for those things we have in common, and respect what makes us different. -- KAREN LAWRENCE, NAPA, CALIF.

DEAR KAREN: I think you put it very well. It is important to the future of our country that when we look our neighbors in the face, we dwell not on their color, but their humanity, and judge them not by their appearance, but by their character.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: This concerns the letter from "No New Name in Oregon," the teen-ager whose mother suddenly decided to have the child's last name changed to her maiden name. You missed the boat on that one, Abby.

I'm a former lawyer who has dealt with many parents in divorce situations. When the desire to change a child's last name comes from the divorced parent rather than the child, the desire is usually a disguised policy or emotional statement from the parent.

The teen-ager told you she had recently gotten to know her dad's side of the family. Shortly afterward, the mother announced that the child should have her (the mother's) name for "convenience, clarity, a sense of unity." Since the teen didn't mention any instances of recent inconvenience or confusion because of the different names, my reaction was that the mother very likely felt threatened, and wanted to send a message to the world that "she's mine" -- and to the ex, "You can't have her!"

Parents should work out their emotions related to divorce in counseling, not in the divorce courts or by using their children.

"No New Name in Oregon" should know that her name is HERS. She should be allowed to lovingly tell her mother, "I love you very much, and will always be yours regardless of my name. However, I am used to my name and don't want to change it at this late date."

Abby, I felt that the girl was asking you for help in standing firm against her mother, and reassurance that it was OK to be herself, to keep a name that was meaningful to her, regardless of her mother's needs. I wish you had affirmed that her name, now and always, is a matter of HER choice and desires, and NOT a matter on which she should be pressured by others. In fact, the "others" -- including her mother -- should respect her daughter's needs, feelings and decisions.

Although it's not proper or desirable for a minor to urge her mother into counseling, you, Abby, are in a position to urge adults everywhere to examine their motives, and suggest that, if their behavior is influenced by the fallout from a divorce, counseling can be helpful no matter how long ago the divorce was finalized. -- SHELLEY BRENNEMAN CARTER, STANFORD, ILL.

DEAR SHELLEY: You analyzed the mother's motives more shrewdly than I did -- and if you're correct, they are deplorable. Of course, the girl has the right to retain her father's name if she wishes, since one's name goes to the core of one's identity.

I agree there appear to be some unresolved issues about the divorce that the mother hasn't dealt with, and that need resolution. That's more important than any name change.

DEAR ABBY: Would you please pass on this suggestion to help make losing one's wallet a bit more endurable:

The next time you are near a photocopy machine, lay the contents of your wallet (other than cash and photographs) on it, and make a copy of them.

Then, should your wallet be lost or stolen, you will have all the numbers handy to report the loss. -- CREDIT COUNSELOR IN NEW YORK

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)