DEAR ABBY: Your good advice to "Romantically Rocky," the man who wanted tips on how to be romantic with his wife, reminded me of a definition of love I learned from a woman acquaintance in New York many years ago. A life crisis had driven her to a psychotherapist to whom she complained about being "unloved." The therapist asked her to describe what being loved would be like. After some thought, my friend said that if someone really, really listened to her, THAT would be her idea of being loved.

The therapist concluded that the woman needed additional support, and insisted that her troubled client look into a self-help group. She arrived late at an address in a commercial neighborhood that had seen better days. With some apprehension she climbed a flight of dingy stairs and found her way into a room where a group of shabbily dressed people sat around a beat-up table listening intently as one of the group told his story. She was dumbstruck at observing the very definition of love she had offered her therapist, believing it could not exist. This was the first of many Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in which this woman found the healing power of a love that really, really listened and cared.

For me, this story illustrates that becoming a good listener requires no more than willingness, practice, and the kind of genuine regard for another human being one can find in AA or any Dear Abby reply. And, "Romantically Rocky" may find that one of the most seductive lines in the English language is a heartfelt, "I just love to listen to you talk!" You may use my name. -- GEORGE MARCELLE, LOS ANGELES

DEAR GEORGE: What a thought-provoking letter! I'm sure "Romantically Rocky" and many others will thank you for that astute suggestion. Although many people think romance is what happens between the sheets, I suspect that true romance is mostly what happens between the ears. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I can educate "Romantically Rocky" on how to romance his wife:

A woman loves to have little things done for her, things that say, "I thought about you today." Bring her a CD by her favorite artist for no reason except that you were thinking of her. Tuck a note in her purse saying, "Hi, I love you." Unload the dishwasher and reload it without being asked. Give her a foot massage with lotion while she watches her favorite TV show. Sit behind her on the bed and brush her hair with her favorite hairbrush. Fold the clean laundry and put it away.

Call your beloved at mid-morning and invite her to lunch. Slip a small stuffed animal in her car with a silly note. Bring her the newspaper, coffee and doughnuts when she awakens on a lazy Saturday morning. Give her a big hug when you return from work, and say, "I love you. I'm glad to have you to come home to."

Consider how many relationships would be happier if men would do just one unexpected romantic thing each day.

I'm fortunate to have a very romantic fella as my soulmate. Trust me -- any woman would appreciate these sweet gestures. Sign me ... LOVING EVERY MINUTE OF IT IN CINCINNATI

DEAR LOVING: Great ideas -- and they work both ways. Guys and gals, the road map is well laid out. Go for it!

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Early last fall, my mother committed suicide. It was very hard on our family, both emotionally and financially.

Our house was full of old memories, mostly sad ones. My father could no longer bear to live there, so he moved us to Georgia from Boston where my parents had lived since before I was born. Of course, he had to change jobs. Although his new job paid better than the one he held previously, without Mom's income, times were hard. My three brothers and I had to give up many of the extras we had always taken for granted.

One of these extras was summer camp. I had gone to camp in Maine every year since I was 9. I'm now 15, and this would have been my last year to attend. Although I hated the idea of missing camp this year, there was no money for it.

In early January, an anonymous letter arrived. It seems our grandmother told her women's club about our situation. Enclosed with the letter was a cashier's check for $10,000! A member of the club felt so bad that on top of the grief for our mother, we would miss out on camp, that she wanted to help. Because of her unbelievable generosity, not only were we able to go to camp, there was money for school clothes for all of us.

I don't know who the lady was, but because of her I had the best summer of my 15 years. She and my friends at the camp are responsible for an amazing summer for which I am totally grateful.

Abby, if you print this letter, maybe that wonderful woman will read it and understand that I would thank her a million times if I could. She has confirmed my faith that there are good people in this world with kind and generous hearts.

Mom didn't mean to cause anyone any problems, and she would have wanted us to continue our summers as we had in the past. Thanks to this kindhearted stranger, we were able to do that. Sign me ... FOREVER GRATEFUL IN GEORGIA

DEAR FOREVER GRATEFUL: Indeed, there are wonderfully generous people in this world, and your "angel" is one of them. Although the newspapers and television news are filled with the misdeeds of people, along comes someone like your anonymous benefactor, and the basic goodness of mankind is reaffirmed. One day, you, in turn, will be able to pass along the kindness she showed to someone who needs a helping hand. The power of good deeds can be infinite if all who are affected by them are inspired to repeat them.

DEAR ABBY: My sister is getting married for the third time to a man who also has been married twice before. What kind of gift should I get, or can I just settle for sending my good wishes? I want to do the right thing, but I'm getting weary of "getting hit" for gifts every time she goes to the altar. -- MAGGIE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR MAGGIE: You do not have to give your sister as expensive a present as you perhaps gave at her first wedding, but you should give the happy couple a modest gift, especially if you attend the wedding. A suggestion: momogrammed towels so the new husband will not be reminded of his predecessors. Better yet, ask them what they could use.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This has always puzzled me. Why do people who are virtual strangers tell you their deepest secrets?

I was on a first date not long ago with "Phil." Before the evening was over, he'd told me about his father's attempted suicide, the fact that he hasn't spoken to his mother in more than 18 years, and his sister's many bad habits -- all of which were described in detail.

On another occasion, the woman seated next to me at a seminar told me more than I ever wanted to know about her struggle with infertility. What gives? -- OFFENDED IN OTHELLO, WASH.

DEAR OFFENDED: Phil may have been talking to mask his first-date jitters. Many people use nervous chatter to hide their feelings. Or perhaps he mistook you for a sympathetic listener. You could have gently stopped his recitation by turning the conversation to another subject, or lightly suggesting that it wasn't necessary for you to learn everything about him in one night.

Some people confide in strangers because it's "safe." They are able to express their emotions and lighten their emotional burden without worrying about the other's reaction, or living with the consequences of what they have disclosed.

DEAR ABBY: I owe you a debt of gratitude. I'm a 20-year-old married college student. "Rick" and I married five months ago, and we live in Palo Alto, Calif. I love my in-laws dearly. They are kind and generous, but I do have one problem with them. They are so perfect they intimidate me.

They live in a lovely house that my husband's father keeps in good repair. The outside looks almost picture-perfect. "Jill," my mother-in-law, has made the interior look like a designer's pet project. She's a great cook, too. Neither of Rick's parents has every tried to make me feel inferior, but how could I ever measure up to their level?

Recently, Rick's father was sent to Oakland on business and decided to bring Jill with him. They asked to come to our apartment since they were in the area. I was scared out of my wits. However, among the gifts I received at my kitchen shower before my wedding were your two cookbooklets. I needed something that I, a novice at cooking, could prepare.

Abby, I chose my entire menu from your "More Favorite Recipes." Your tomato salad because it could be made the night before; your Sour Cream Chicken because I could assemble it early in the morning to cook just before their arrival, and the Heavenly Peanut Butter Pie. While I made the salad on Friday night, Rick made the pie. He also helped me with the chicken recipe on Saturday morning.

I'm happy to report that dinner was a great success. My in-laws were impressed. In fact, Jill said, "You've been hiding something from me -- I had no idea you were such a talented cook." Rick's dad was equally complimentary and didn't have to be encouraged to take seconds.

Thank you, Abby, for helping me measure up to Rick's terrific parents. Sign me ... GRATEFUL IN PALO ALTO, CALIF.

DEAR GRATEFUL: I'm delighted that my recipes helped you dazzle your in-laws. (However, I suspect your secret weapon was Rick, the kitchen collaborator!) Next time you entertain, try my carrot cake, the sweet potato pie or the brownies. They're not lo-cal -- but I predict there won't be any leftovers.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: Abby's Favorite Recipes and Abby's More Favorite Recipes. To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)