DEAR ABBY: My mother recently passed away. She had led a long, happy life and was greatly loved.

Years ago, both my parents had the foresight to preplan and prepay all of their funeral arrangements. All Dad and the family had to do for Mother's service was order the flowers; then we were able to welcome and share condolences with more than 500 guests. It made her funeral a beautiful time of reuniting old friends and family.

Our freedom to share great memories was exactly what Mom and Dad had planned. The arrangements were impressive. Their gift of preplanning and prepaying is something we all should consider doing for our loved ones. -- A LOVING, GRATEFUL DAUGHTER

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please accept my condolences on the death of your beloved mother.

Although it's difficult to contemplate death, facing the fact that no one lives forever and planning ahead can prevent a world of confusion for grieving relatives at a time when they are most vulnerable.

As your letter illustrates, your parents' preplanning was wise, thoughtful, and a godsend during your time of grief.

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the gentleman in Redwood City, warning women to be more careful with their purses while shopping.

While rolling my shopping cart along in my favorite supermarket with my purse resting in the child's seat, I was shocked to see a man's arm reach around from behind me and grab it. I whirled around to see my son grinning at me. He handed me my purse, gave me a big hug and said, "Let that be a lesson to you, Mom!"

Since then, I always loop the strap of my handbag over my arm, rest it in front of me on the child's seat, and never let go of the shopping cart. -- B.J. IN ARKANSAS

DEAR B.J.: That's good advice. Here's another one you might find interesting:

DEAR ABBY: I go shopping with my wife quite often, and when she puts her purse in the shopping cart we use the child safety belt to run through the handles of the purse. The little extra time it takes to put the belt through the handles is nothing, and the belt acts as a deterrent to purse snatching. I hope this bit of information will be helpful. -- ROY A. MCMULLEN, OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ROY: Although not all shopping carts are equipped with child safety belts, many are. Thank you for a good suggestion.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your discussion with "Interested Bystander" about the age a youngster is old enough to go to a public rest room alone, may I share a humorous incident on that subject?

When I was a college student, I worked as a weekend salesman in the boys' department of a local department store.

One day, a woman approached me with a little boy about 4 years old in tow. She asked, "Do you have a rest room someplace? My boy has to go."

"Yes, we do," I replied. "There's a men's room on this floor, but if you want to go with him, there's a ladies' room on the floor below."

"Oh, no thank you," she said. "I went before I left the house." -- GIL RICH, LOS ANGELES

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 8, one of the dearest men I have ever known was killed in a tragic accident. A woman trying to pick up her ringing cell phone crossed the median of the interstate and hit him head-on.

Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of the joy this man brought to my life, or how quickly that joy turned to sadness. He was not my husband, my father or even a family member. He was my boss.

Stephen T. McGill was a brilliant attorney who always tried to create a win-win situation for everyone. I can't begin to tell you how impossible he is to replace. He treated me with respect, and his praise gave me a newfound confidence in myself. His kindness, compassion and generosity taught me what it really means to have class. He never gave me orders or treated me as a subordinate. He referred to me as his "partner" and we worked side-by-side for two wonderful years.

If something is to be gained from the loss of this great man, I hope two lessons will be learned. First, treating others with respect is the only way to be respected by others. Second, everything we do has the potential to affect those around us. If our behavior isn't governed by the effect it has on those around us, "sorry" may not be enough to repair the damage.

We are short one hero in Nebraska. -- CAROL RUSHING, OMAHA

DEAR CAROL: You have written a heartfelt eulogy for a most remarkable man. Indeed, there are lessons to be learned from his sterling example. I have another thought: Perhaps it's time to amend the traffic laws to require drivers to pull over if they're going to use a cell phone.

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Want My Privacy in Phoenix," the woman who didn't want her picture taken at family gatherings. My sister was one of those who hated having her picture taken. She said she didn't photograph well. She died suddenly in a car accident nearly 11 years ago. In the scramble to put together a memorial service, the only recent picture of her we could find was a 2-year-old Polaroid. Now, all these years later, all I have of my sister is a scant handful of photos, most of them taken before she turned 20.

I am the photo historian in my family. I also teach people how to preserve their photos in safe scrapbooks. Many of my customers also hate to have their pictures taken. I used to feel the same way. I am a plus-size woman who doesn't look in a lot of mirrors. When I saw an occasional photo of myself, it was always a shock. Did I really look like that? I guess I figured if no one took the pictures, I would "look" better.

One day I realized that I may see myself only occasionally, but my family and friends see me looking like this every day, and they love me anyway. I now make sure that at least one photo is taken of me at every family gathering.

"Want My Privacy" may have more of a vanity problem than a privacy issue. I hope she will stop depriving her family and friends the privilege of remembering her in a realistic way after she is gone. All I have left of my sister are memories. -- PHOTOBUG FROM CONNECTICUT

DEAR PHOTOBUG: I hope "Want My Privacy in Phoenix" sees your letter. Photos of friends and family are precious. They can provide hours of pleasure, as well as moments of quiet reflection. Put your ego aside, step in front of the camera, and keep your pictures current. If nothing else, an annual informal family portrait will be a valuable pictorial history.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I live with three friends in order to save money. One of our housemates is my wife's brother. I can't stand him. He's bossy and always wants things his way. The other housemates ignore him and let him do what he wants. I am the only one who seems to have a problem with him.

Abby, last night he held a "family meeting" and asked my wife and me not to fight on the front porch. We don't fight very often, but there are two things we fight about: money and her evil brother. I have considered telling him what to do with his thoughts on many occasions, but I have kept my mouth shut because my wife gets upset when I criticize her brother. She's very protective of him and feels he can do no wrong. She thinks I'm vindictive if I disagree with him.

Should I keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace, or do I have a right to say what I think of him? -- FED UP IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FED UP: As long as you're living under the same roof, you'd be wise to keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your response to "Irritated in Minneapolis," the woman who was distressed because a minister's widow was chasing after her husband at church: You said the widow probably needed "verification that she's still attractive to men."

Abby, you excused this woman's behavior and minimized the wife's distress. The minister's widow should know better. She does know better if she is trained in the holy Scriptures, which are guidelines for what is appropriate and what is not between the sexes.

The widow has already had a husband of her own, and though it's unfortunate he's deceased, pursuing someone else's husband (in her own church, yet) is not only inappropriate, but disloyal to the man's wife.

People like the widow invade others' boundaries and count on "compassion" in order to continue their game. The husband is not always "not attracted," and it's not the wife's job to find the widow a new man so that she won't steal hers.

I have been in similar situations and have a solution: I take the woman aside and say, "I may be wrong, but I get the feeling you're attracted to my husband, and it makes me uncomfortable." They always deny it at first, but I treat them with dignity and honesty, and it earns me their respect. I have no more problems with them. In fact, I get the sense they're relieved to have been stopped in such a loving way. It works. -- A WIFE WHO CARES

DEAR WIFE: Your experience gives wise voice to the other side of the story. In a perfect world, no one would desire or deliberately entice another's spouse. Unfortunately, however, we're not living in a perfect world.

DEAR ABBY: I gave up my child for adoption when she was 7 days old. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please do not get me wrong; the choice I made was a loving choice. I did what I felt was right for my child. You see, I love her more than the very air I breathe, as I do all my children.

This happened approximately 18 years ago, and I have since had two more children. The child I gave up has met her sister and knows that she is her sister. Now, as she approaches her 18th birthday, she has made it clear that she wants to meet me face-to-face.

Abby, I am terrified to meet her. I don't know what to say to her. Could you please advise me about what to do? -- SCARED IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR SCARED: Tell your daughter exactly what you have told me, and do not be afraid. The most important message you can give her is that you never stopped loving her, and you did what you thought was best for her at the time.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)