DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 8, one of the dearest men I have ever known was killed in a tragic accident. A woman trying to pick up her ringing cell phone crossed the median of the interstate and hit him head-on.

Not a day has passed that I haven't thought of the joy this man brought to my life, or how quickly that joy turned to sadness. He was not my husband, my father or even a family member. He was my boss.

Stephen T. McGill was a brilliant attorney who always tried to create a win-win situation for everyone. I can't begin to tell you how impossible he is to replace. He treated me with respect, and his praise gave me a newfound confidence in myself. His kindness, compassion and generosity taught me what it really means to have class. He never gave me orders or treated me as a subordinate. He referred to me as his "partner" and we worked side-by-side for two wonderful years.

If something is to be gained from the loss of this great man, I hope two lessons will be learned. First, treating others with respect is the only way to be respected by others. Second, everything we do has the potential to affect those around us. If our behavior isn't governed by the effect it has on those around us, "sorry" may not be enough to repair the damage.

We are short one hero in Nebraska. -- CAROL RUSHING, OMAHA

DEAR CAROL: You have written a heartfelt eulogy for a most remarkable man. Indeed, there are lessons to be learned from his sterling example. I have another thought: Perhaps it's time to amend the traffic laws to require drivers to pull over if they're going to use a cell phone.

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Want My Privacy in Phoenix," the woman who didn't want her picture taken at family gatherings. My sister was one of those who hated having her picture taken. She said she didn't photograph well. She died suddenly in a car accident nearly 11 years ago. In the scramble to put together a memorial service, the only recent picture of her we could find was a 2-year-old Polaroid. Now, all these years later, all I have of my sister is a scant handful of photos, most of them taken before she turned 20.

I am the photo historian in my family. I also teach people how to preserve their photos in safe scrapbooks. Many of my customers also hate to have their pictures taken. I used to feel the same way. I am a plus-size woman who doesn't look in a lot of mirrors. When I saw an occasional photo of myself, it was always a shock. Did I really look like that? I guess I figured if no one took the pictures, I would "look" better.

One day I realized that I may see myself only occasionally, but my family and friends see me looking like this every day, and they love me anyway. I now make sure that at least one photo is taken of me at every family gathering.

"Want My Privacy" may have more of a vanity problem than a privacy issue. I hope she will stop depriving her family and friends the privilege of remembering her in a realistic way after she is gone. All I have left of my sister are memories. -- PHOTOBUG FROM CONNECTICUT

DEAR PHOTOBUG: I hope "Want My Privacy in Phoenix" sees your letter. Photos of friends and family are precious. They can provide hours of pleasure, as well as moments of quiet reflection. Put your ego aside, step in front of the camera, and keep your pictures current. If nothing else, an annual informal family portrait will be a valuable pictorial history.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I live with three friends in order to save money. One of our housemates is my wife's brother. I can't stand him. He's bossy and always wants things his way. The other housemates ignore him and let him do what he wants. I am the only one who seems to have a problem with him.

Abby, last night he held a "family meeting" and asked my wife and me not to fight on the front porch. We don't fight very often, but there are two things we fight about: money and her evil brother. I have considered telling him what to do with his thoughts on many occasions, but I have kept my mouth shut because my wife gets upset when I criticize her brother. She's very protective of him and feels he can do no wrong. She thinks I'm vindictive if I disagree with him.

Should I keep my mouth shut for the sake of peace, or do I have a right to say what I think of him? -- FED UP IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR FED UP: As long as you're living under the same roof, you'd be wise to keep your mouth shut.

DEAR ABBY: Regarding your response to "Irritated in Minneapolis," the woman who was distressed because a minister's widow was chasing after her husband at church: You said the widow probably needed "verification that she's still attractive to men."

Abby, you excused this woman's behavior and minimized the wife's distress. The minister's widow should know better. She does know better if she is trained in the holy Scriptures, which are guidelines for what is appropriate and what is not between the sexes.

The widow has already had a husband of her own, and though it's unfortunate he's deceased, pursuing someone else's husband (in her own church, yet) is not only inappropriate, but disloyal to the man's wife.

People like the widow invade others' boundaries and count on "compassion" in order to continue their game. The husband is not always "not attracted," and it's not the wife's job to find the widow a new man so that she won't steal hers.

I have been in similar situations and have a solution: I take the woman aside and say, "I may be wrong, but I get the feeling you're attracted to my husband, and it makes me uncomfortable." They always deny it at first, but I treat them with dignity and honesty, and it earns me their respect. I have no more problems with them. In fact, I get the sense they're relieved to have been stopped in such a loving way. It works. -- A WIFE WHO CARES

DEAR WIFE: Your experience gives wise voice to the other side of the story. In a perfect world, no one would desire or deliberately entice another's spouse. Unfortunately, however, we're not living in a perfect world.

DEAR ABBY: I gave up my child for adoption when she was 7 days old. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Please do not get me wrong; the choice I made was a loving choice. I did what I felt was right for my child. You see, I love her more than the very air I breathe, as I do all my children.

This happened approximately 18 years ago, and I have since had two more children. The child I gave up has met her sister and knows that she is her sister. Now, as she approaches her 18th birthday, she has made it clear that she wants to meet me face-to-face.

Abby, I am terrified to meet her. I don't know what to say to her. Could you please advise me about what to do? -- SCARED IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR SCARED: Tell your daughter exactly what you have told me, and do not be afraid. The most important message you can give her is that you never stopped loving her, and you did what you thought was best for her at the time.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 83-year-old widow and live with my divorced son. We are both in fine health and recently moved to a new community, where we're trying to make friends. I joined a bridge club and have met some very nice women.

One of the members was having trouble assembling some furniture she recently purchased. I offered my son's services to help her (he's very good at this sort of thing). For my sake, my son agreed, and we all settled on 11 a.m. My son and I drove to "Sarah's" and arrived at 10:55 a.m. No one was home. We decided to wait. At 11:15, Sarah drove up. She offered no explanation for being late. My son assembled the piece, Sarah thanked him, and we left.

A couple of weeks later, Sarah called and invited us to lunch as a thank-you for my son's work. Lunch was to be at 11:30. We arrived at 11:25 and, guess what? No one was home! We waited in the car. At 11:40, I wrote a note, "Did you forget you invited us?" I left it on her door and we drove home. When we arrived back home, there was a nasty message on my answering machine. Sarah yelled at us for leaving and called us rude.

When she called a second time, I told her I expected a hostess to open the door when I was invited and had arrived. She replied that we were early and could not expect anyone to be home when we arrived early. She said she had just run to the bank. I pointed out that the bank is open until 6 p.m. and she could have gone after we had lunch. She said maybe it is OK to be early where I come from, but not in this country.

Abby, I was not born here, but I have lived in America for 50 years. I thought I was brought up with good manners, and nobody has ever said my "old country" ways are strange. Am I missing something? -- SURPRISED SONJA

DEAR SURPRISED: No. It's Sarah who's missing something -- common courtesy. A host should be home to greet guests when they arrive, even if they're slightly early. Shame on Sarah.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on something in Donna Williams' letter to you about guests in restaurants. She said, "Guests are our livelihood! Without them, we might as well be dishing out food at a school cafeteria, instead of practicing the fine art of restaurant service, one in which many of us take a great deal of pride."

Abby, I have been employed in school food service for 25 years. In every school cafeteria I have worked, the fine art of service to our customers has been practiced. We, too, take a great deal of pride in our work and in servicing our customers.

I am an assistant manager in one of the largest high schools in Alabama. We serve almost 2,700 students plus faculty and staff. We do not just "dish out" food. We service all our customers in a two-hour shift at eight food bars with a total of 16 to 18 entrees, plus fruits, vegetables, salads, milk and about 15 other beverages. We do take pride in our work, and we do serve good food.

Satisfied customers are as essential to us as they are to restaurants. Remember, if we don't satisfy them, they won't buy from us. I invite Donna Williams to our cafeteria any day, and I'll be happy to treat her to lunch. -- MARGARET SELLERS, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR MARGARET: Perhaps when Donna sees your letter, she'll stand corrected. She may harken from a time, as do I, when the choices in the school lunch program were fewer and less imaginative than they are today.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)