DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl with a big problem. My parents have been divorced for 12 years, and my mother and her family have pretty much raised me. Not long ago, my mom told me she thought I should change my last name so that our whole family has the same one. Abby, why didn't she think of this when I was 2? I'm used to my other last name.

The other reason this is hard is that just a few months ago, I visited my dad's side of the family. I learned many things from and about them, and now I feel closer to them. I don't want to hurt their feelings. What should I do? -- NO NEW NAME IN OREGON

DEAR NO NEW NAME: It is difficult to understand why your mother has waited so long to suggest a name change. Of course you are used to your last name. Perhaps there is a legal reason your mother has proposed this. If not, ask her to consider a compromise and let you hyphenate the two names. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter from the diner who entered a Chinese restaurant 15 minutes before the posted closing time and was rushed through dinner.

Abby, in some restaurants the posted closing time means that is the time the kitchen closes; in others, the kitchen closes 15 to 30 minutes before the restaurant closes.

I paid my way through beauty school by working in restaurants, and every one of them meant something different by the sign on the door. I now run a hair salon, and our hours are 8:30 a.m. to 5:15 p.m. That means we take our first appointment at 8:30 a.m. and the last at 5:15 (but an appointment that late must be a simple, quick procedure such as a comb-out). I understand that clients want to know when they can come, not when I go home. However, the salon down the street posts a sign that closing time is 5:30 p.m., and they mean they want to get out the door at 5:30.

The best one can do in this crazy world is to ask what the hours mean. -- JOAN IN TUCSON

DEAR JOAN: Thanks. Once again, the sage counsel is one we've all heard a million times. When in doubt, ASK!

DEAR ABBY: My mother expects us to supply her with school pictures of our children. That is a problem because she insists on getting the large pictures that fit the frames she bought years ago. She actually demands the large pictures.

Abby, the large pictures are not in our budget, and she hasn't offered to help pay for them.

The other set of grandparents are delighted with whatever pictures they receive, but not my mother. Can you offer advice on how to handle the unrealistic demands and help us avoid the agony of a confrontation again this year? -- PICTURE-PRESSURED

DEAR PICTURE-PRESSURED: Tell your mother that providing the size pictures she requests would create a financial hardship. Be firm in letting her know that if she wants large photographs, she must pay for them. Then let the chips fall where they may.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Some time ago, you gave a very sensitive reply to "Desperate in Delaware," a 50-year-old man with an obsessive attraction to a younger woman.

I have been a psychotherapist for 34 years and have seen too many men destroy their own lives and the lives of those they love because they didn't understand the inevitable changes that occur in a man's body, mind and spirit at midlife.

My understanding of these issues has been greatly expanded since recognizing that men go through a form of "male menopause," generally between the ages of 40 and 55.

Marc Blackman, M.D., chief of endocrinology and metabolism at Johns Hopkins Bayview Medical Center, said, "The male menopause is a real phenomenon and it does similar things to men as menopause does to women, although less commonly and to a lesser extent."

I believe thousands of families could be saved if men and women learned about the newest research findings on this crucial time of life.

-- More than 25 million men in the United States are now going through male menopause.

-- Fifty-two percent of men between the ages of 40 and 70 suffer from some degree of erectile dysfunction.

-- Men, like women, experience complex hormonal rhythms that affect their mood, physical well-being and sexuality.

-- Emotional symptoms include irritability, worry, indecisiveness and depression.

-- Physical symptoms include fatigue, weight gain, short-term memory loss and sleep disturbances.

-- Sexual symptoms include reduced libido, fear of sexual failure, and increased desire to prove he can still perform by seeking a younger partner.

These problems are treatable. If your physician is not familiar with male menopause, ask for a referral to a physician who is. -- JED DIAMOND, DIRECTOR, MEN'S HEALTH CLINIC, LONG VALLEY HEALTH CENTER, LAYTONVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR JED: Over the years, the idea that men experience a midlife change has been joked about. I'm sure many people will be relieved, and others will be surprised, to learn that male menopause is a fact and it is treatable.

DEAR ABBY: A mother complained in a letter to you that she was not permitted by a movie theater to bring in dietetic sweets for her diabetic son. You suggested speaking to the manager.

What you left out was reference to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). This law clearly establishes that public entities must make "reasonable accommodations" for people affected by a broad variety of challenges they never asked for. Please help us educate people to the basic fairness of this, as well as to their recourse in federal law. -- FRANK H. MARONE, Ph.D., INCLUSION SPECIALIST, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DR. MARONE: Thank you for that helpful suggestion. I hope the mother of the diabetic child sees your letter.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: Last winter, my sister and brother-in-law informed me they were coming for a 17-day visit. I live in a small cottage with a roommate, whom they have never met. My brother-in-law made reservations at a nearby condominium, which my sister promptly cancelled because it was more than she wanted to spend. (She has always stayed with me for free.)

I didn't ask if they could afford this vacation, and I told them I could help by building an extra room on the cottage for $600, which would save them $1,100. They sent the $600 and construction started. My roommate's brothers worked day and night to finish it in one week. I had just gotten home from major surgery on another island, and it couldn't have been more inconvenient for me to have company. However, I suffered in silence.

From the minute she arrived, my sister acted like I owed her something. Her demeanor embarrassed me and her holier-than-thou attitude was inappropriate. I had to work most of the time they were here because I was financially strapped from losing work due to my illness. They had access to my cottage on the beach, TV, stereo, new bed, telephone, etc., but nothing seemed to please her.

Before she left I told her to stop telling me what to do, which she denied doing and got her husband involved in our discussion. She has burned all her bridges with our family and I was her last relative to abuse. Should I have not taken the money for an addition to the cottage and let them fend for themselves when they got here, or just told them I was not in a position for company? -- USED-UP BROTHER IN HAWAII

DEAR USED-UP BROTHER: Yes and yes. Your sister now feels she "owns" a room in your cottage.

If I were you, I'd return the $600, roll up the welcome mat and change my phone number.

DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from the church elder who was concerned with an overweight member who bent the church's folding chairs when sitting on them, causing costly replacements.

This issue has bothered me as well, because I am also overweight. The new trend in building churches seems to be to use folding chairs in the sanctuary instead of pews. Abby, folding chairs are very uncomfortable for overweight people.

Three new churches in our area all use folding chairs because they can be removed to reconfigure the sanctuary into a fellowship hall where tables can be set up. The kitchens are built next to the sanctuary, making it inconvenient for weddings and funerals because after a service, parishioners have to wait for the chairs to be removed, tables set up, chairs placed at the tables and the food transported.

I, for one, will not attend a church anymore where they use folding chairs in the sanctuary. It's very uncomfortable and is difficult to rise from these small chairs.

Your column seems to be the best way to spread the word: Elders, PLEASE go back to using those comfortable benches or pews.

Abby, thank you for allowing me to air this gripe. -- HATES FOLDING CHAIRS, HELENA, MONT.

DEAR HATES FOLDING CHAIRS: I'm sure your problem is shared by many. However, since the folding chairs are bought and paid for, it may take a miracle to turn back the hands of time.

Discuss this problem with your pastor to determine if you can arrive at a compromise. Surely there are funds available for solid, comfortable chairs for large-sized churchgoers. They would pay for themselves in savings in the long run.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)