DEAR ABBY: I desperately need your advice about my soon-to-be mother-in-law. (I'll call her Kay.) She was a horrible mother to my fiance, "Frank." He and his brother grew up with severe physical and emotional abuse. I believe Kay must have a mental disorder that causes her to do these things. However, in recent years her behavior has improved. The verbal abuse isn't constant like it was when Frank and his brother were living with her, but its tone is as bad as ever. After Kay cools off, she acts as if nothing ever happened.

Four months ago, Frank got into a fight with his mother because we were five minutes late for a baby shower for "Bobby," our newborn son. The next day Kay called and proceeded to tell Frank how worthless he is, and that he'll be a loser all his life. Then she told him I was a thankless, fat slob.

The last we heard from Kay was a message she left on our answering machine at 3:30 a.m., saying she had ripped up Bobby's pictures and never wanted to see any of us again. Abby, I was horrified. Frank assured me that she would no longer be a part of our lives after having hurt us so badly. He said he was through tolerating his mother's abuse.

Since then, Kay has asked Frank's sister "Arlene" to ask us to let her baby-sit and then Arlene could take Bobby to Kay's house. Kay has also done many other sneaky things.

Abby, I have no room in my life for such a bitter, disagreeable woman who will only hurt our family if I let her back into our lives.

Our wedding is scheduled for November, and Frank thinks we should send his mother an invitation because it's the polite thing to do. I understand his attachment to his mother, but I'm terrified of her and what she may do. I don't want her in our lives, and I'm afraid I'll eventually lose Frank because of my feelings about his mother.

Should I send Kay an invitation to our wedding just to be polite, and hope she doesn't show? Or should I refuse to send one and hope Frank understands? Please hurry your advice, Abby. The wedding is three months away and I'm getting ulcers. -- HURT BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR HURT: Since Frank wants his mother to attend the wedding, she should be invited, and you should make an effort to mend fences. After all, this is Frank's wedding, too.

Now, I'm going to offer you a little more advice than you asked for. You'll save yourself untold grief if you tackle the issue of Kay's place in your lives now. You didn't mention whether Frank received counseling to deal with the abuse he received while growing up. If he didn't, he should.

You are marrying into a dysfunctional family, and I don't envy you the trials you'll be facing. Kay has shown herself to be not only abusive, but devious. Since she has abused her own sons, what's to prevent her from abusing yours? Even if Bobby were not the target of her abuse, for him to witness his grandmother treating you or his father that way would be traumatic. Be prepared.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love my boyfriend very much, but he's not affectionate in any way. When I ask him if he loves me, he gets angry. He told me that he said he loved me once, and after that, he shouldn't have to repeat it. He says he wants an independent woman who makes no demands.

Abby, I enjoy his company. He takes me out every weekend and calls me every day. But he never holds my hand or kisses me. I need some affection and reassurance of his love, but he refuses to give it to me.

Should I stay in this relationship or move on? -- MISS GLORIA IN GEORGIA

DEAR MISS GLORIA: Metaphorically speaking, you are fire and your boyfriend is ice -- a decidedly incompatible combination. Since he is unwilling to fulfill your needs, you should consider ending this relationship so you can be free to find a man who is a better match.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 49-year-old divorced woman. My children are adults and live 2,500 miles away. I own my own home and am self-supporting.

I have been dating a gentleman 10 years my junior for the last five years. I love him, but I do not want to get married again. He is very insistent about wanting marriage. He is controlling and jealous and does not like to be alone. (I am not thrilled with this aspect of his personality.)

Abby, I made it clear from the beginning that I have no interest in marriage. I was married to an alcoholic for 19 years, and I am very independent. Should I end the relationship so he can find someone who wants to marry him, or continue the relationship? Your input would be appreciated. -- WONDERING IN OHIO

DEAR WONDERING: Since you are adamant about not wanting to remarry, you would be doing this man a kindness to set him free. A man who is controlling, jealous and doesn't like to be alone would be a poor marriage prospect even if you decided to relent. End the relationship now!

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose co-worker told her she wore her pins on the wrong side brought up an ongoing dispute between my father and me. I hope you can settle it.

I am a 30-year-old, well-educated man, and I always dress nicely for work. When I put on my belt, I go around my waist clockwise, with the buckle facing left and the point of the belt to my right.

My father says I am wearing my belt wrong. He says the belt must go counterclockwise, with the point left and the buckle right. He claims all men wear their belts this way.

Abby, is my father correct, and does it really matter which way a man wears his belt? -- KEEPS MY TROUSERS UP ANYWAY

DEAR KEEPS: I called several clothing stores that feature menswear and presented your question. I was told your father is correct: Belts should be put on counterclockwise so that the end points to the left when buckled.

DEAR ABBY: "Steve" and I have been dating for about seven months. I'm head over heels in love with him. I knew the moment we met that he was for me -- and I think he feels the same way. I'm 28, he is 38, and we're happy with each other.

My question: How do I let go of my anger at his ex-wife? Steve and "Jolene" were married for one year and had a child together. I know Jolene will be around for a lifetime; my problem is learning to deal with her. She's hateful, self-centered and a user. She actually told Steve she married him for his money, and only had his child to get more money out of him.

Steve has their 2-year-old daughter, "Lynette," every weekend. Since Mother's Day is on a Sunday, she was with us. Jolene didn't ask to pick up Lynette and spend Mother's Day with her, but she did call to ask what Lynette was getting her for Mother's Day. On Valentine's Day, she asked Steve to send her roses from her daughter. She pulls this kind of stuff all the time, and it drives me crazy. Jolene has a full-time nanny to care for Lynette during the week, and Steve takes care of his daughter every weekend. Jolene has it made.

It breaks my heart that Jolene treats Steve this way. He's a kind, intelligent, gentle, wealthy man, but she manipulates him, and he doesn't know how to say no to this woman. She berates him and tells him he's a terrible father if he wants to spend time with me.

Abby, I know I have Steve, and that should be all that matters. However, it angers me that there are people out there as coldhearted as Jolene. She has a beautiful child, but she sees her daughter only as a way to pry more money out of Steve.

How should I deal with such a selfish, vindictive woman? -- SICK OF HIS EX-WIFE

DEAR SICK: Be gracious and above reproach in your dealings with her, and refrain from harping on your ill feelings about her to Steve. To do otherwise will only cause discord. Realize that Jolene will never be a friend, encourage Steve to take his daughter whenever possible, and do your best to create a happy, tension-free environment. You cannot change Jolene, but you can change the way you react to her.

You are not alone. Volumes have been written about dealing with "exes." You'll find them in bookstores and libraries under the classification "Blended or Step-Families." Check some out. You'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: I saw a prayer in the June issue of Guideposts magazine that you might like to share with your readers, if you agree that it is appropriate and helpful. Many accidents claim victims during the holiday weekends. Please consider printing it. -- BERNICE M. FORCE, CAIRO, N.Y.

DEAR BERNICE: If the prayer spares even one individual pain and suffering, it's well worth the space in my column.

THE MOTORIST'S PRAYER

Grant me a ready hand, a watchful eye,

That none may suffer hurt as I pass by.

Thou givest life -- I pray no act of mine

May take away or mar that gift of thine.

Teach me to use my car for others' need,

Nor miss, through lack of wit or love of speed,

The beauties of thy world, that thus I may

With joy and courtesy go on my way.

(Contributed to Guideposts magazine by Elizabeth S. Sherrill.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)