DEAR ABBY: I am 30 years old and an art teacher. My fiance (I'll call him Jack) and I live together in my home. Every Tuesday night, he goes out to the clubs with his friends and returns at 3 or 4 a.m. It has bothered me for a long time and I've told him so, but I haven't issued any ultimatums.

Last week after Jack left, I was feeling particularly lonely, so I phoned the club and asked him to come home, telling him I had heard noises and was frightened. He seemed annoyed but he promised to be home by midnight.

I then called a girlfriend to vent some steam and she came over. As we talked, we began to scheme, and finally decided to give Jack a good scare by making him think I had been robbed while he was away. I sat in a kitchen chair giggling while my girlfriend tied my arms behind me and gagged me. She used enough rope to restrain a bull, so it was very convincing. She left at 11:30 and I waited (I couldn't do anything else) for Jack to return.

He did not return by midnight. By 1 a.m. I began squirming, but I couldn't get loose. When he finally did return at 1:30 a.m., I was in such a fury that he had difficulty untying me. He was very upset and insisted we call the police, so I had to tell him it was a hoax. That made him furious.

Jack apologized for returning late and thinks I should apologize for the stunt. I refused, and he has barely spoken to me since. Should I apologize? -- FIT TO BE TIED

DEAR FIT TO BE TIED: Yes. There are more mature ways to get your point across than crying wolf on his night to howl. If you're seriously considering a future with Jack, you must come to some agreement about his night out with the boys. Since you find yourself at loose ends on that night, rather than lying to him, consider signing up for a night class, or establishing your own Tuesday night out with friends.

DEAR ABBY: A year ago, I asked my fiance's sister to be the maid of honor in our wedding. I felt it was important to make sure his family didn't feel left out, as we live five states apart.

Abby, my sister-in-law will be getting married later this year. She has asked my husband to be an usher, but I have been excluded from the wedding party. My in-laws and I have had some tense moments. I feel this is a slap in the face, and I can't seem to shake the feeling.

Should I say anything to my in-laws about how hurt I feel? My husband and I come from two very different backgrounds, so I'm afraid it would not be well received and would cause more bad feelings. Sign me ... ISOLATED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ISOLATED: A bride's attendants are not chosen to repay the honor of having been chosen to serve in another's wedding. As a general rule, a bride chooses her best friends or sisters to be in her wedding party.

Do not complain to your in-laws, and don't take this so personally. Your sister-in-law probably has enough close friends or sisters to fill the party and was unable to accommodate you. Perhaps she will choose you for some other duty, but if she doesn't, please don't let this dampen family relationships. Give her the benefit of the doubt and rise to the occasion.

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DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three children, all under the age of 12. My problem concerns my in-laws, who are overly generous with the gifts they buy our children. I know of no one else who spends as much or buys as many gifts as my in-laws do on birthdays and Christmas. My mother-in-law buys gifts for all three on each of the children's birthdays so the other two "won't feel bad."

I never need to purchase clothes because they buy so many. I still buy gifts for the kids, but it's simply overkill combined with what they receive from their grandparents. My children actually tire from opening gifts before they finish, and then they have difficulty remembering everything they received. Don't misunderstand; I'm very grateful, but I find their generosity almost absurd. I have asked them to cut back, but it only causes problems between us.

My parents also find my in-laws' generosity overblown. Consequently, about three years ago, they stopped giving the children any gifts at all. When I asked my mother why, she told me she couldn't compete with the other grandparents. Abby, my parents are loving grandparents, but they don't have the kind of money my in-laws do. My husband thinks my parents are terrible for not giving gifts. He insists it's the thought that counts. My mother says why bother when the children are so overwhelmed they don't know what gift came from which family member.

So far, the children haven't questioned why only one side of their family gives them gifts, but I know they will ask one day. I work hard to instill good values in our children, but I fear that they will grow up spoiled. How should I handle this? -- GENUINELY CONCERNED

DEAR CONCERNED: Since you cannot limit the number of gifts your in-laws give your children, limit the number they can open at one time. Assure your parents that no one is measuring the quality or quantity of gifts, but it's important that they recognize their grandchildren's milestones. Consider donating a portion of the children's "loot" to needy children in your community. If you enlist their involvement, you will be making strides in teaching your children the importance of giving to those who are less fortunate.

DEAR ABBY: The reader survey on "pet peeve" words in the English language causes me to note that I am a born and bred Southerner. And we Southerners do have a wonderful language! We never say with one word what we can say with two.

We water our flowers with a hose pipe. Something happens each and every day. Our children have two first names: Anne Marie, Charlie Ray, Billy Bob, Camellia Ann. A person has yellow jaundice. A small, tiny baby is cute. The two twins are sisters. Our pet is a kitty cat. Our other pet is a hound dog. We eat breakfast bacon and corn grits. We climb up the stairs. A house either burns up or burns down.

Well, I could go on and on for a month of Sundays, but I don't want to be redundant. Abby, I tell you the truth and it's not a lie -- the South is a truly wonderful place! -- MARIE T. WILLHITE, BRENTWOOD, TENN.

DEAR MARIE: I do declare, Miss Marie, I'm going to publish your fine letter -- God willing, and the creeks don't rise! Thanks so much for writing.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Since travel season is upon us, I'd like to offer a suggestion as well as seek your advice. For the host and hostess who are having houseguests: Please spend a night in your guestroom to judge its comfort level.

We visit my in-laws in another state twice a year and stay in my husband's childhood room. The sheets are so thin you can read a newspaper through them and the pillows are so musty it is difficult to breathe. The only light in the room is a tiny decorative child's lamp, which does not cast enough light to tell what garments are in the closet, much less to read by. In addition, the closets are jammed with years of accumulation, making it difficult to find a place to put our clothes. It has been this way for years.

When my in-laws stay in our home, I go out of my way to make them feel welcome. I always include small "extras" -- new magazines, an alarm clock, extra pillows, fresh soap, a couple of drinking glasses and even fresh flowers on the dresser.

Abby, I appreciate my in-laws' hospitality and do not want to appear ungrateful, but it has reached the point where I dread staying in their home. It is not a matter of money for them or for my husband and me. I would gladly pay to "freshen" the room, if it could be done diplomatically.

Any suggestions? -- DREADING IT IN THE CAROLINAS

DEAR DREADING IT: Your suggestion to check out the guestroom before guests arrive is a good one. Your mother-in-law may think that your husband will feel more at home because she has left his boyhood room intact. However, I see nothing wrong with your providing her with a "hostess gift" of new bedding, a folding luggage rack or a new table lamp specifically marked for the guestroom. She should welcome it.

DEAR ABBY: My son died recently after a long illness, and many mourners stepped past my husband to offer me condolences. It hurt my husband deeply. He's the only father my children have known for the last 11 years, but even his family felt that was my loss, not OURS.

Abby, my son and my husband were very close, especially near the end. I think my son felt he could confide his fears to his dad, but must be brave for Mom.

In a world where birth fathers are walking away from their responsibilities, stepdads, foster fathers and adoptive parents are stepping in to shoulder that responsibility. Even though their presence is often resented by the children, these dads continue to love and care for their new families.

Abby, please explain to your readers that even if they don't understand the dynamics of stepfamily relationships, the stepparent shares in the rearing of the child, including loving the child. Condolences or congratulations should be expressed to the stepparent as well as the birth parent.

Thank you for allowing me to share my feelings. -- GRIEVING MOTHER IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Perhaps the mourners didn't mean to be insensitive. I hope your letter will cause them (and others) to reconsider their assumptions about stepparents who do, indeed, deserve more sympathy than your husband received in his time of sorrow.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)