DEAR ABBY: I recently sent a wedding gift to a relative and his new bride. I received a thank-you note that made no mention of what the gift was. Both my mother and sister received thank-you notes describing their gifts in detail. I'm wondering if what I got was the code for "we're exchanging it," or if the cards might have gotten mixed up or lost.

Abby, would it be OK to ask the relative's mother what happened? I don't want to sound as if I'm complaining about the poorly written thank-you notes. How do I ask without offending anyone? -- WONDERING IN WATERLOO

DEAR WONDERING: I doubt that the note you received was in "code." Most likely, the gift cards got mixed up or lost -- a very common occurrence. Do not ask your relative's mother. Instead, telephone the couple and say, "I was delighted to get your thank-you note, but I just had to ask: Did the towels match your decor?" That way you will clue them in about what you gave them, in case they don't know, and they will have the opportunity to be more specific in their thanks.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Curious," whose friend Elaine had a nephew who snooped through her things when he came to visit, I had to write because I have the same problem. But what does one do when the snoop is one's own mother?

My sister and I live in small, one-bedroom apartments. When Mom comes from out of state to visit one of us, we relinquish our bedrooms to her so she can stay in comfort; therefore, short of sending her to a motel, it's impossible to put her in a location where she won't have access to personal items.

Numerous times we have caught her snooping through our dresser drawers, cabinets or closets. Apparently, she still feels she has the right to "inspect," even though my sister and I are both adults. She has even, on occasion, brought forth an item from one of her snooping expeditions to ask, "What is this?" or, "Where did you get this?" When confronted, she giggles as if she's embarrassed -- and then she repeats the question.

Additionally, Mom has a tremendous memory for any gift or other item she may have given us, even as long as 10 or 15 years ago. If she doesn't find a particular item she's given us, she confronts us about its whereabouts. She becomes terribly offended and pouts if it had to be discarded or if we just don't remember where it is. These confrontations occur on almost every visit.

My sister and I don't want to put a stop to Mom's visits -- after all, she is our mother, and we are her only family. However, we have begun to dread her visits. Any suggestions? -- PERPLEXED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR PERPLEXED: Unless you and your sister are prepared to form a united front and deal with your mother firmly, her behavior won't change. Granted she's your mother, but you are all adults, and such snooping is inexcusable. Tell her you consider it to be an invasion of your privacy.

When she quizzes you about an item you no longer have, tell her you gave it away because it was no longer needed. If she pouts, offer her right of first refusal, but don't allow her to make you feel guilty or uncomfortable.

As a last resort, you and your sister should consider pooling your money and putting your mother up at a nearby motel during her visits, and having her over only when you can supervise her.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My friend, who is pregnant with her second child, has asked me to give her a baby shower. I don't have a problem entertaining for her, but this is her second pregnancy in two years -- and everyone I've invited refused to attend.

Friends I've talked to think a baby shower is only for the first baby or for babies spaced apart by five to 10 years. Perhaps I would get a better guest response if I didn't invite the same women who were invited to the first baby shower.

Abby, what is the limit for baby showers? How many years between babies, and what is the responsibility of the baby shower hostess? -- BABY SHOWER HOSTESS IN MAINE

DEAR HOSTESS: According to "The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette," a baby shower is not usually given for a second or third child, because the mother already has the essential items from her first child and may not want to put friends who attended the first shower in the position of having to give a second gift.

Instead of a shower, consider a small gathering of close friends at a luncheon or tea. If a guest wants to bring a token gift, an article of baby clothing or an IOU to provide a few frozen meals to the parents after the baby's arrival, it would be a nice gesture.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the gentleman who was married for 54 years and never received a gift from his wife, it is sad that he thinks he is expected to buy her gifts and she feels she has a right to receive them.

My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We have been rich and we have been poor. The gifts we remember the best were those we gave each other when we were poor. We had to be inventive on a budget.

He would go to my favorite beauty salon and buy me inexpensive trial sizes of the little luxuries I would no longer buy myself. They cost less than $10, but they are priceless in my memories.

I gave him one red rose from my yard, a trial size of his favorite candy, a note scented with his favorite perfume telling him a special meal was waiting for him at home in the candlelight. This, too, costs less than $10, but he still brags about it to his friends.

My husband tells me I am wearing his favorite outfit when I am in a sweater and old jeans. I bring him his coffee every morning. We say "I love you" every morning and every night. We kiss goodbye every day, and no night falls without a goodnight kiss. These are our gifts to each other. They cost nothing, but they provide an eternity of loving memories.

My heart goes out to the couple; my recommendation is for them to sit down and talk about all the wonderful reasons they are still together. Forget the old hurts on holidays and start over. It's the little, everyday touches that count -- and they cost nothing. -- CAROL LEDGU, PHOENIX

DEAR CAROL: I agree. The most meaningful gifts are the ones that come from the heart, offered with love. Furthermore, they always seem to "fit" because they are personally tailored to the needs of the recipient.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, a student complained that a teacher forbade the children to discuss "Dear Abby" because it was considered adult material, inappropriate for youngsters. You suggested the students ask the principal what the school's policy is about discussing items they've read in the newspaper.

While they are at it, the students should also ask what the school's policy is regarding the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Is this a school or a penitentiary? According to the student, this teacher also won't let the kids talk in private. Isn't that teacher disregarding freedom of speech? It also doesn't sound as though there is much freedom of assembly at recess while this teacher is in the guard tower.

From where I sit, the teacher should be applauding these kids for reading the newspaper. -- PRESTON NEAL JONES, HOLLYWOOD, CALIF.

DEAR PRESTON: I couldn't agree more. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter from students who were reprimanded by a teacher for discussing your column at recess infuriated me. I am a senior in high school, and during my 12 years in the school system, I have seen and experienced plenty of censorship. I have seen petitions ruthlessly squelched, and I know some schools ban certain books. However, the incident described in that letter takes the cake. That a teacher should censor a private discussion among friends (which she had no business listening to, I might add) is outrageous, disgusting and un-American.

The First Amendment, which grants Americans the freedom of speech and assembly (among other things), applies to everyone -- even students. The Supreme Court upheld this principle in 1969, in the case of Tinker vs. Des Moines, when it stated: "It can hardly be argued that either students or teacher shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech at the schoolhouse gate." The court ruled that students have the right to express unpopular opinions as long as they are not being disruptive. Those students were not even expressing an unpopular opinion. They were practicing pure free speech -- private speech among individuals -- which happens to be the most protected form of speech under the Constitution. -- CLAIRE BUSHEY, WILMINGTON, DEL.

DEAR CLAIRE: You are absolutely correct. But I thought the teacher would accept it more readily if he or she heard it from the school principal, rather than the students. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter about the teacher who thinks that your column is only for adults: As kids we attended a Lutheran Bible study camp here in Colorado. I don't remember much about the camp -- it's been so long ago -- but one memory I do have is that we had a group chat about your column. It was led by the principal of our school.

He would read a question and then ask us to pretend that we were Abby and give our answers. I felt pretty good when I nailed your response to a T. As an adult now, I can hardly see where your column would be inappropriate for a child. Thank you for many enjoyable years of columns. -- NATALIE MENTEN, GOLDEN, COLO.

DEAR NATALIE: Thank you. Your letter made my day.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)