DEAR ABBY: Hi! I'm a high school teen-ager from a little town in Washington state. This is the first time I have written to you. I hope you can give me some good advice.

I love sports, and my school has a code that if we get caught at a party where there is drinking or drugs, we get kicked out of sports. My life would really be over if that happened to me.

My problem is that I don't drink and everyone else in this small town does. It seems to me that I get pushed away by my friends because I don't drink.

I had a friend for about eight years, and during our sophomore year, he started to drink. This was when we stopped talking. I went my way and he went his. During basketball season, he got caught at a party and was kicked off the basketball team along with some other players. I felt bad for him, but I didn't know what to say.

Now everyone is out partying, and I'm home alone doing nothing, wishing I were out having fun with them. If I'm doing the right thing, please tell me why I feel that I'm being punished, and the people who drink are the ones out having fun.

Abby, can you give me some advice to cope with this stress? -- STRESSED-OUT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STRESSED-OUT: The facts about teen-age drinking are disturbing, and don't be so quick to accept the myth that "everyone is out partying." Your peers are using this to pressure you to join them in their dangerous and illegal behavior. While it may appear that all your classmates are having fun, that kind of behavior is risky and sometimes carries a heavy price.

It may be difficult to stick to your decision to stay home while your classmates are drinking and doing drugs at parties, but trust me, it's the right decision. Fill your time with positive activities that will make your commitment more rewarding -- and might attract others who prefer drug- and alcohol-free socializing. I'm sure there are other teen-agers in your community who privately agree with and follow your policy of avoiding alcohol, but who are shy about speaking up in front of peers who might make fun of them.

Read the biographies of your favorite sports figures, invite others over to watch games on television, start a collection of sports memorabilia -- or help younger kids in your community develop their own athletic skills. Not only will this make you feel good about what you're doing, you'll win the admiration of others. You already have mine, for setting a good example and sticking to it in spite of peer pressure.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 35-year-old divorced male who has read your column since I was a kid. After reading your response to "Turkeyless in Arkansas," I felt compelled to write.

I believe two "turkeys" have already been bagged. Gwen, for dating someone who apparently has zero comprehension of who she is, and "Turkeyless" for insisting his girlfriend like all the same activities he does.

Mutual interests are important in a relationship, but I'll take mutual respect and open, honest communication first and every time. I have several friends who are avid hunters, married to women who despise the idea. But they have strong relationships based on love for who each other is -- not what activities they each participate in.

If "Turkeyless" really wants to bag a record-size bird -- tell him to shoot a mirror. -- MICHAEL CURRY, DALLAS

DEAR MICHAEL: You are obviously a man with solid values and an excellent sense of humor. (And eligible, too!) I have a hunch that when this letter is printed, it'll be open season in Dallas.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my wife, "Sheila," had an affair that nearly destroyed our 15-year marriage. She carried on the affair right under my nose, telling me she had simply made a "good friend" on a trip she had taken with a girlfriend. At first I was trusting and naive, and then too much in denial to openly challenge the small gifts, cards and phone calls that began arriving shortly after her return. When I asked if there was anything more to it than just friendship, she lied to me.

With counseling, our marriage has survived, although it is still somewhat shaky. My current problem is that after I discovered the affair, I told Sheila I wanted her to get rid of the gifts she had received from this creep, which she had the audacity to openly display in our home. Now she has boxed them up and put them in the basement, but she's balking at getting rid of them.

To me, her reluctance means she hasn't really let go of the relationship. I'm ready to dissolve the marriage as a result. I'd appreciate your feedback. -- SEETHING IN SEATTLE

DEAR SEETHING: You have every right to expect Sheila to dispose of the souvenirs along with the relationship. If your wife is unwilling to accommodate your reasonable request, both of you need to reconsider the logic of staying in this marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the letters you are printing about abuse. Your recent letter from Michael Groetsch in Kenner, La., about "serial batterers" really got my attention.

I was in an abusive marriage for 34 years, and I know what breeds abuse -- it's silence. Abby, I'm not silent anymore. I now work for a women's crisis center, and I was recently asked by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice to tell my story. I was on a victim impact panel for a sensitivity training seminar for law enforcement. I have since been asked to speak at other meetings and plan to do so.

On the door to our office hangs a sign. It says, "There's no excuse for abuse." Those few words say quite a lot. Keep up the great work, Abby. There should be more out there like you. -- KAREN IN VICTORIA, TEXAS

DEAR KAREN: You are to be commended for your activism in helping other abused women.

I would like to correct a statement I made in my answer to Michael Groetsch: I stated that the majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men who are "unable to control their anger -- not psychopaths," and I added that these people can be helped through therapy and anger management programs. I regret to say that I may have spoken too optimistically.

In his book, "He Promised He'd Stop" (C.P.I., 1997, $14.95), Mr. Groetsch points out that a batterer who is motivated to change and feels remorse can be helped. But a serial batterer is generally cold, detached, and does not possess a conscience. Professionals report that therapy with a serial batterer is rarely, if ever, successful. While the habitual offender may enter a treatment program (often court-ordered), he rarely completes it. He generally enters counseling only to manipulate his partner into dropping criminal charges and returning to him. The safest recourse for victims of chronic abuse is to end the relationship, once a comprehensive support system and personal safety plan have been established.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Dr. Eugene Schoenfeld recently said in your column that most psychiatrists deny that chronic fatigue is a "real disease." I write to offer a different opinion, shared by a growing number of physicians who have studied the scientific literature on chronic fatigue syndrome -- which now numbers several thousand research articles.

There is no evidence of any psychiatric disorder in a sizable number of patients with this illness. However, in laboratory tests, there is evidence of abnormalities in the brain and immune system of many of these patients. The immune system abnormalities, fortunately, do not seem to make patients vulnerable to infections. I highlight those studies in an article published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in October 1997.

We still do not understand the cause of chronic fatigue syndrome, but studies around the world show that the illness involves real changes in the bodies of many patients. It is not, as Dr. Schoenfeld seems to believe, "all in their heads." -- ANTHONY L. KOMAROFF, M.D., PROFESSOR OF MEDICINE, HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL

DEAR DR. KOMAROFF: Thank you for sharing your professional opinion with me, and for offering other physicians a reliable source of information about chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome. I am pleased that advances in understanding this disease have been made. I know my readers will be also.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Feeling Worthless in New Hampshire," who wrote that her husband didn't value her because he brings in the money while she stays home managing the household and caring for the children.

As a child and as a teen-ager, I watched my mother care for my siblings and me and didn't think anything of it. Now the tide has turned. Because of an injury, I remain at home while my wife works. I had never realized how exhausting it can be to handle everything at home. I have a newfound respect for all women who remain at home while the "man of the house" works, not to mention those women who work and manage their homes, too. Even though my wife is tired after a day at the office, she pitches in around the house far more than I did when I was working on the outside. I wonder how many men come home and consider giving their wives a break by helping out.

"Worthless" should be proud that she manages one of the most important "corporations" in the world -- the family. My hat is off to all stay-at-home mothers. I now have more respect for them and for what I took for granted all those years. -- STAY-AT-HOME DAD

DEAR DAD: My hat is also off to them, and to YOU as well, for saying so!

DEAR ABBY: There are a few words in our wonderful language that irritate me, and I would think your many readers have their pet peeve words as well. Why don't you take a reader survey on the subject? Maybe I'm not the only one whose blood pressure goes up from certain words.

For starters, here's a short, homemade poem:

There are words in English that irk us all,

From me you'll get no quibbling.

And the one that drives me up a wall

Is when a kid is called a "sibling."

-- CHARLES F. YARHAM, ROCKY RIVER, OHIO

DEAR CHARLES: Cute! Readers?

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)