DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, my wife, "Sheila," had an affair that nearly destroyed our 15-year marriage. She carried on the affair right under my nose, telling me she had simply made a "good friend" on a trip she had taken with a girlfriend. At first I was trusting and naive, and then too much in denial to openly challenge the small gifts, cards and phone calls that began arriving shortly after her return. When I asked if there was anything more to it than just friendship, she lied to me.

With counseling, our marriage has survived, although it is still somewhat shaky. My current problem is that after I discovered the affair, I told Sheila I wanted her to get rid of the gifts she had received from this creep, which she had the audacity to openly display in our home. Now she has boxed them up and put them in the basement, but she's balking at getting rid of them.

To me, her reluctance means she hasn't really let go of the relationship. I'm ready to dissolve the marriage as a result. I'd appreciate your feedback. -- SEETHING IN SEATTLE

DEAR SEETHING: You have every right to expect Sheila to dispose of the souvenirs along with the relationship. If your wife is unwilling to accommodate your reasonable request, both of you need to reconsider the logic of staying in this marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for all the letters you are printing about abuse. Your recent letter from Michael Groetsch in Kenner, La., about "serial batterers" really got my attention.

I was in an abusive marriage for 34 years, and I know what breeds abuse -- it's silence. Abby, I'm not silent anymore. I now work for a women's crisis center, and I was recently asked by the Texas Department of Criminal Justice to tell my story. I was on a victim impact panel for a sensitivity training seminar for law enforcement. I have since been asked to speak at other meetings and plan to do so.

On the door to our office hangs a sign. It says, "There's no excuse for abuse." Those few words say quite a lot. Keep up the great work, Abby. There should be more out there like you. -- KAREN IN VICTORIA, TEXAS

DEAR KAREN: You are to be commended for your activism in helping other abused women.

I would like to correct a statement I made in my answer to Michael Groetsch: I stated that the majority of domestic abuse comes at the hands of men who are "unable to control their anger -- not psychopaths," and I added that these people can be helped through therapy and anger management programs. I regret to say that I may have spoken too optimistically.

In his book, "He Promised He'd Stop" (C.P.I., 1997, $14.95), Mr. Groetsch points out that a batterer who is motivated to change and feels remorse can be helped. But a serial batterer is generally cold, detached, and does not possess a conscience. Professionals report that therapy with a serial batterer is rarely, if ever, successful. While the habitual offender may enter a treatment program (often court-ordered), he rarely completes it. He generally enters counseling only to manipulate his partner into dropping criminal charges and returning to him. The safest recourse for victims of chronic abuse is to end the relationship, once a comprehensive support system and personal safety plan have been established.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Dr. Eugene Schoenfeld recently said in your column that most psychiatrists deny that chronic fatigue is a "real disease." I write to offer a different opinion, shared by a growing number of physicians who have studied the scientific literature on chronic fatigue syndrome -- which now numbers several thousand research articles.

There is no evidence of any psychiatric disorder in a sizable number of patients with this illness. However, in laboratory tests, there is evidence of abnormalities in the brain and immune system of many of these patients. The immune system abnormalities, fortunately, do not seem to make patients vulnerable to infections. I highlight those studies in an article published in the Journal of the American Medical Association in October 1997.

We still do not understand the cause of chronic fatigue syndrome, but studies around the world show that the illness involves real changes in the bodies of many patients. It is not, as Dr. Schoenfeld seems to believe, "all in their heads." -- ANTHONY L. KOMAROFF, M.D., PROFESSOR OF MEDICINE, HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL

DEAR DR. KOMAROFF: Thank you for sharing your professional opinion with me, and for offering other physicians a reliable source of information about chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome. I am pleased that advances in understanding this disease have been made. I know my readers will be also.

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to "Feeling Worthless in New Hampshire," who wrote that her husband didn't value her because he brings in the money while she stays home managing the household and caring for the children.

As a child and as a teen-ager, I watched my mother care for my siblings and me and didn't think anything of it. Now the tide has turned. Because of an injury, I remain at home while my wife works. I had never realized how exhausting it can be to handle everything at home. I have a newfound respect for all women who remain at home while the "man of the house" works, not to mention those women who work and manage their homes, too. Even though my wife is tired after a day at the office, she pitches in around the house far more than I did when I was working on the outside. I wonder how many men come home and consider giving their wives a break by helping out.

"Worthless" should be proud that she manages one of the most important "corporations" in the world -- the family. My hat is off to all stay-at-home mothers. I now have more respect for them and for what I took for granted all those years. -- STAY-AT-HOME DAD

DEAR DAD: My hat is also off to them, and to YOU as well, for saying so!

DEAR ABBY: There are a few words in our wonderful language that irritate me, and I would think your many readers have their pet peeve words as well. Why don't you take a reader survey on the subject? Maybe I'm not the only one whose blood pressure goes up from certain words.

For starters, here's a short, homemade poem:

There are words in English that irk us all,

From me you'll get no quibbling.

And the one that drives me up a wall

Is when a kid is called a "sibling."

-- CHARLES F. YARHAM, ROCKY RIVER, OHIO

DEAR CHARLES: Cute! Readers?

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm 51 years old, married, and have a grown son who's 30. I'll call him Butch. I'm writing to express my displeasure with computer greeting cards. I'm not knocking all computers, only the ones that print out greeting cards. If Butch doesn't care enough about me to go to a store and pick out a card -- even if it costs only a dollar -- for my birthday, etc., then he can just keep his computer cards.

Abby, please spread the word that it's the warm thoughts in picking out a card that really count. A card printed by a computer is cold, with no heart, no feelings. It's not what a mother deserves. -- HURT MOMMA IN GREENWOOD, MISS.

DEAR HURT: Please reconsider your stance on this. Many mothers never receive any cards from their children. Bear in mind that many of the software programs for creating greeting cards on computers are complicated. Even the simple ones take some time and practice to master. Rather than drive to a store, your son sat down at his computer and created a one-of-a-kind card for you. In my opinion, that's at least as much effort as going to a store and selecting one, and shows heart and feeling.

Remember when, as a child, Butch came running home from school with a picture he drew especially for you? That came from the heart, and this is no different.

DEAR ABBY: This letter is far too late for Mother's Day, but it still may do some good.

My family attends a small church in the southern United States. Mother's Day is one service I refuse to attend any more. The atmosphere for this service is funereal. The service starts out with songs like "If I Could Only Hear My Mother Pray Again" and "Mother's Marker." From there, they call mothers who are the "youngest," "oldest" and "has most children" to the front for a gift.

I lost my mom to cancer in 1991, and Mother's Day is the saddest day of the year for me. Even before my mom died, I would go to church and cry along with others who were hurting.

Parents should be honored every day, not just one day. Please, let us all be more considerate to those who no longer have a mom. -- STILL HURTING IN LUTTRELL, TENN.

DEAR STILL HURTING: Amen! And let us not forget the moms who have lost children to death. Be assured that they will never forget.

DEAR ABBY: So many people rely on what you write that I am writing to you to ask you to please print a correction in your inclusion of Georgia in the list of states allowing common-law marriage.

Common-law marriages created prior to Jan. 1, 1997, may be upheld, but those after that date will not. We do not want anyone to begin living with another under the assumption that their union will become legal. -- KIPLING LOUISE MC VAY, JUDGE, CHEROKEE COUNTY PROBATE COURT, CANTON, GA.

DEAR JUDGE MC VAY: I was unaware that Georgia changed its requirements for common-law marriage last year -- as were my library researchers. Thank you for pointing this out. In my own defense, let me say that I advised any couple considering common-law marriage to consult an attorney before assuming that their union is legal and binding.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)