DEAR ABBY: My husband, our 6-year-old daughter (I'll call her Marcia), and I recently drove to my sister-in-law's, several states away, for a visit. At dinner, I was introduced for the first time to her new boyfriend, "Joe." The man was sloppily dressed and didn't look very clean.

After dinner, Joe and several of the other male guests who had been drinking during dinner went out to continue drinking. Marcia asked to spend the night at my sister-in-law's, but I was reluctant to let her stay in a home where these men would be returning later, no telling how intoxicated.

I was concerned for Marcia's safety and put up a fight. I got pretty ugly in front of her and my husband. Marcia was crying and my husband was yelling. Nobody cared to listen to my reasons for not wanting her to stay.

Abby, I grew up with an alcoholic father. He used to come home drunk and get very mean with my siblings and me. I didn't want the same thing to happen to my little girl.

Marcia ended up staying there for the night, and Joe did come back drunk. He finally passed out on a couch near my daughter's bedroom. The next day, Marcia said Joe and my sister-in-law were talking loudly for hours after he returned, and she didn't get much sleep.

Now my sister-in-law won't speak to me, and my husband and mother-in-law are upset with me for the way I acted. I believe I acted as any mother would who has had experience with drunks.

How can I fix this? -- A MOM WHO TRIED IN FLORIDA

DEAR MOM: Although your motives were noble, you over-reacted. Had you approached the problem calmly and rationally instead of putting up a fight, you might have gained support for your position.

Write your mother-in-law and sister-in-law notes of apology for the unpleasant scene, and apologize to your husband and daughter. In the future, make sure the sleeping arrangements are clear to Marcia BEFORE you visit this household.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. Flattered, I gladly accepted. When I was told that the dress she selected would cost me $240, I was shocked. I told the bride that I couldn't afford to spend that much for a dress, but I would be happy to go shopping with her to find something less expensive. When she informed me that changing the dress was not an option, I told her that I would be unable to participate in the wedding.

She did not protest my decision, or try to come up with an alternate solution such as paying for half of the dress. Instead, she asked another girl to take my place in the wedding.

Abby, this has been bothering me for weeks. I feel like she chose a dress over her friendship with me. Am I overreacting? What do you think? -- OUSTED IN OREGON

DEAR OUSTED: Obviously it was more important for your friend to have the bridesmaid dresses that she preferred than to have you as a bridesmaid.

Are you overreacting? Only if you let this end your friendship. The bride was insensitive to your financial situation, but releasing you from an obligation to be in a wedding you couldn't afford to participate in is not an issue great enough to lose a friendship over.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had few close friends in grade school, but I did have one close confidante, "Janie" -- a girl in my class. We went on to high school together, which made the transition easier.

In my sophomore year I found a great group of friends, but Janie and I also continued our close relationship.

I'm a junior now, and a new girl I'll call Tammy has joined our group. She, too, had problems making friends when she was younger, but Janie accepts her. In fact, they share many common interests.

Tammy tells me everything the two of them do together, especially when I'm not invited to participate. I try not to let it bother me, but I must admit I'm hurt that my best friend spends so much time with Tammy instead of me. I don't want to be possessive and prevent Janie from forming new relationships, but neither do I want someone to come between my best friend and me.

Abby, Janie tells me that I'm still important to her, but I don't like feeling like second banana. I'm worried that Janie and I are slipping away from each other. -- FEELING LEFT OUT

DEAR FEELING LEFT OUT: It is not possible to "own" another person. You and Janie are growing up, and part of growing up is developing new interests and new relationships. Janie's compatibility with Tammy should not make you feel insecure. View this as an opportunity for you to branch out in new directions, and it will make you stronger and more popular.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the kind words about square dancing. Abby, members of square dance clubs do more than just dance. We have picnics, barbecues, potluck dinners, parties -- seasonal and otherwise -- and attend special events together. We take bus trips and get together to play cards or dine at nice restaurants. We also go on square dance cruises. There are opportunities for as much involvement as anyone cares to enjoy.

My husband, Don, and I have been square dancing since 1981 and consider it the best activity we have ever been engaged in. Don and I have held office in the club at least once, and are past presidents of the Associated Square Dancers of California (an organization of 70 square dance clubs in Southern California). We are currently chairing the 50th National Square Dance Convention, to be held in Anaheim, Calif., in June 2001.

Abby, our slogan for this year is "Square Dancing Is Fun and Friendship Set to Music."

We urge people who want to make friends and have a good time to take square dance classes or get back into a club if they have let their membership lapse. While it takes a little time to learn the dances, they will have fun learning and will be happy for the decision. They will never be lonely again -- unless they choose solitude. -- DON AND DONNA WEBB, TORRANCE, CALIF.

DEAR DON AND DONNA: I'm sure many people will take you up on your invitation. Readers, anyone who's interested in finding out where and when dances or lessons are offered should call 1-800-FUN-4ALL (386-4255). Square dancing is not only fun and entertaining, it's also great exercise.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, Eugene Schoenfeld, M.D., stated, "There is no evidence for the misguided belief that chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome patients have a problem with their immune system, and all the reliable evidence indicates that they suffer from depression." It is important to REJECT that comment. Dr. Schoenfeld's remarks are very unfair to CFIDS sufferers. It is clear that he is not familiar with either this disorder or the literature on it.

In 1995, at the first world meeting on CFIDS in Brussels, Belgium, there was no argument about the validity of the disorder, and evidence was presented indicating characteristic abnormalities of the immune system. Please be aware that in Europe it's called "myalgic encephalomyelitis."

Almost all CFIDS patients suffer marked impairment of cognitive function, particularly memory loss. The other debilitating complaints include headache, insomnia, chronic sore throat, tender lymph nodes, fever and muscular disorder -- fibromyalgia.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta have published a free pamphlet available to the public titled "The Facts About Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" (March 1995). There should no longer be any argument about the validity of this disorder. -- HERBERT L. HYMAN, M.D., F.A.C.P., ALLENTOWN, PA.

DEAR DR. HYMAN: Thank you for your succinct rebuttal. Since I published Dr. Schoenfeld's letter, I have been inundated with outraged letters from CFIDS sufferers and their families, who felt invalidated by the doctor's comments. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I appreciate your response to the letter from Dr. Schoenfeld that recognized that CFIDS is very real to those who suffer with it. When I started the Yardley Area Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Support Group three years ago, I wondered if there would be any need for such a group in our small town. Today, there are nearly 100 people on our mailing list. Members' stories are varied, but their suffering is the same, and it's compounded by confusion in the medical community about the syndrome and lack of a physical marker that could be used to identify it.

If anti-depression medication were the answer to CFIDS, my daughter would have recovered five years ago. It is heartbreaking to see a high-energy 35-year-old woman lose the zest for living that had been her hallmark. I, too, might question the reality of CFIDS if I had not had to stand by helplessly and watch her change. -- SYLVIA J.BINGHAM, YARDLEY, PA.

DEAR SYLVIA: It is my sincere hope that your daughter and the many thousands of others who suffer from chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction soon find a cure. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from CFIDS, yet I am not depressed. Why? Because the physician I went to diagnosed me right away because she had come down with CFIDS two years earlier! She did a complete medical and blood workup on me to eliminate any other possible causes for my symptoms. I, too, would have been depressed if every physician I went to told me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in my head.

Dr. Schoenfeld should consult with Dr. Paul Cheney of Charlotte, N.C.; Dr. David Bell of Lyndonville, N.Y.; Dr. Nancy Klimas of the University of Miami, Fla.; or Dr. Anthony Komaroff of Brigham and Women's Hospital in Boston -- or any of the other myriad physicians who have researched and documented this debilitating disease.

Patients seeking information about chronic fatigue and immune dysfunction syndrome should be referred to: The CFIDS Association of America Inc., P.O. Box 220398, Charlotte, N.C. 28222-0398. The toll-free number is 1-800-442-3437. -- LAURA ALMAN, SUFFOLK, VA.

DEAR LAURA: You were, indeed, fortunate to have found a doctor who determined the cause of your symptoms. Many are not so lucky. Your letter may help multitudes.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)