DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are separated and in the process of getting a divorce. I have a 9-year-old stepson from this marriage whom I love very much. I'll call him "Nicky." We are very close, and I continue to see Nicky and participate in his life as much as I did before the separation. I'm the only father he has ever known.

The problem is my parents. They have refused to have anything to do with Nicky since the separation. They ignored his birthday and refuse to attend any of his ball games. They act like he no longer exists. Nicky is such a fine young man, and he is very hurt by their behavior.

Abby, since I can't change my parents, how can I explain their unkind behavior to Nicky in a way that won't hurt him any more than he's already been hurt? -- SON OF HARD-HEARTED PARENTS

DEAR SON: Be honest with your stepson. Explain that grown-ups do not always do the right thing, and you do not approve of your parents' behavior. Let him know that your parents are acting this way because they blame his mother for the divorce, and have withdrawn from him as a way of punishing her.

Remind Nicky that he has done nothing wrong, and this is not his fault. Assure him that you love him unconditionally.

DEAR ABBY: I've never written to you before, but I think you blew it in your answer to "In the Middle in Tucson." Her sister was so upset about the "tacky gifts" her daughter had received from their brother and his new wife that she severed the relationship with her own brother.

What is this world coming to when we are so shallow that we value gifts over our own flesh and blood? My advice to her would have been: "Lady, wake up! Tell your sister that life is too short to hold a grudge for something as trivial as what kind of a present someone gives."

The wife may not have been deliberately rude; perhaps she was trying to be thrifty. The brother may not even realize where the gifts came from (most men have little to do with gift-buying); maybe their family finances aren't in quite as good shape as she thinks they are. There could a lot of other "maybes" -- and the sister just doesn't realize it.

If something were to happen to her brother before she was able to make things right between the two of them, she would never forgive herself. If she doesn't like the gifts her daughter received from this auntie and uncle, she should shut her mouth and give them to someone who could really use them -- or simply throw them away. But don't destroy a relationship that is a God-given gift.

Abby, I don't mean this letter to be a put-down to you, but your answer seemed to encourage the sister to drive that wedge in more firmly. Family is far too precious to throw away because of something so meaningless. -- ALSO A SISTER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NORTH CAROLINA SISTER: You misunderstood my answer. The sister who severed the relationship with her brother deserves the lecture you gave her. However, my reply was directed at the OTHER sister, who wondered if she should try to mediate the dispute or stay mum. I told her to encourage her sister to communicate her feelings to her brother, so they could be dealt with in an adult manner.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I separated last summer. My daughter was living with me, and my son went to live with his father. For months I tried to work things out with my husband in hopes of saving our 22-year marriage. It was impossible.

At Christmas, my son and his father vacationed together, and my daughter and I spent the holiday at home. Two months later, just after my birthday, my 17-year-old son ran away from his father's apartment. It happened the same day he received his report card. I'm not sure if he left because of our divorce, his poor grades, problems with his father or a combination of things.

I pray my son is reading your column today and sees this letter. I want him to know that the divorce is final and I was granted custody of him. To my son and all other runaways: Please call home. Let your parents know you are OK. Whatever problems there are can be worked out. Life is too short to stay away from those who love you. Please make that phone call today.

Thank you, Abby, for printing this letter. I hope all parents in my shoes hear from their children today. -- MOM MISSING HER SON

DEAR MOM: I'm printing your letter in the hope that some of them will.

If you are a runaway, promise yourself that this is the day you will pick up the phone and let your family know that you are OK. If phoning home is too difficult, call the toll-free National Runaway Switchboard at (800) 621-4000. Your call will be kept confidential, and it could save your life.

DEAR ABBY: I recently visited my sister, "Betty," who wanted to take me shopping to buy me a birthday present. I explained it would be better to give me the money so my wife of four months, "Anne," could approve of the clothes I purchased. I told Betty that Anne had pitched a fit about some of the clothes the family had sent me at Christmas. I liked the clothes, but Anne wants exclusive choice in what I wear. To avoid scenes, I give in. She says I'm not accommodating her feelings when I mix up the matched outfits she picks out for me.

When Betty heard this, she became upset. She said that men can be in controlling relationships just as well as women. Betty's first marriage left her reeling from emotional battering, and she said it took years of counseling to regain her confidence. She said the same thing could happen to me -- men are not immune. Betty warned that soon Anne will try to change my eating habits, my cologne, my job, and finally want me to do something about my bald spot. I didn't tell her, but Anne already has.

I never saw our relationship as controlling, but now I am wondering if my sister's advice to "run as fast as you can" is wise. How do you see this? -- CONFUSED ABOUT CONTROL

DEAR CONFUSED: It's not unusual for a woman to want to make a few changes to improve her husband's (or boyfriend's) appearance. However, the way I see it is not as important as the way you see it. Are you comfortable with the changes Anne is demanding? If you don't mind making these concessions, no harm is being done.

However, if you do mind, stop making changes just to please her. You will soon know if there is a problem. And yes, men can be victims of a controlling relationship, just as women can.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I were talking about something yesterday that disturbed her, and me as well. When she called her doctor's office to make an appointment, the receptionist grilled her about the reason she needed it. Sis didn't want to discuss her problem with anyone but her doctor, and considered the receptionist unprofessional and nosy.

Abby, this has happened to me, too. I realize the receptionist has probably been told to ask in order to schedule the proper amount of time for the appointment, but when she refuses to give me an appointment without knowing more than I feel comfortable telling her, that's an invasion of privacy.

I suspect most doctors' receptionists perform this interrogation, but I'm very unhappy about it, and would appreciate your advice on how to sidestep the questions and still get an appointment. -- PRIVACY PREFERRED IN SOUTH DAKOTA

DEAR PRIVACY: Talk to your doctor about your feelings the next time you see him (or her). While I agree that the reason you are being questioned is probably to permit scheduling adequate time for your visit, it's possible that the receptionist needs to practice more diplomacy.

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your answer to "Alan in Montesano, Wash.," regarding splitting the bill for the cabin to be shared by two couples and a single man. You said he should pay one-third of the costs.

Abby, this has happened to me many times on camping trips. The couples I go with usually think they should be counted as one unit, but I disagree. When you go to a movie, a ball game, or anywhere with an admission fee, the charge is per person, not per couple.

Couples eat twice as much as one person. They use up twice as much space and take twice as many showers as a single, so it stands to reason that they should pay twice as much as the single.

Using this logic, the bill should be divided by the number of individuals, not by marital status. Thus, if there are two couples and one single person staying in the one condo or cabin, costs should be split five ways. -- PAUL DUNN, ABINGTON, MASS.

DEAR PAUL: I give up -- I'm outnumbered. Most of my readers calculate the way you do. Read on for a sample of the barrage of arrows sent my way:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer to whether a couple should be counted as one or two was very unfair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but two people equal two individuals.

I am sick and tired of people getting special benefits just because they are married. As a single, I pay higher taxes and higher insurance rates. I also pay higher rates when I travel because discounts are based on double occupancy. I cannot even use the express lane on the freeway because I am only one person.

Don't get me wrong -- I do not resent my single status. I'm just tired of being penalized for it. -- AGREE WITH ALAN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the column in which you asked your readers to define "elderly." I am 13 years old, and to me, elderly means someone who is kind, patient, not in a hurry, and someone who will really listen. When you hear the word "elderly" in the news, I think it gives the story a little more meaning than it would if they didn't use that term. I've met quite a few people who are past middle age, and most of them are very charming and quite good listeners. -- KARL STRUBE JR., GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR KARL: You sound like a young man who should be cloned. I'll bet that people of all ages really listen when you speak.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)