DEAR ABBY: I'm in a quandary regarding the proper salutation to use in a letter to an organization when there is no specific person to whom to address it.

When I learned to write business letters, I was taught to use "Gentlemen" or "Dear Sir." Nowadays, with so many women in the business world, the chances are that the executive who reads my letter will be a female. Consequently, "Gentlemen" or "Dear Sir" may be inappropriate.

"Dear Sir or Madam" seems a bit risky since most women are not madams. Is there some all-purpose salutation I have not thought of? -- IN A QUANDARY IN OLYMPIA

DEAR IN A QUANDARY: For formal letters, my preference is "To Whom it May Concern." "Dear Sir or Madam" remains the preferred salutation for a formal business letter when there is no specific person to whom you are addressing the letter. If you are writing to a particular department, consider addressing that manager: "Dear Sales Department Manager," for example.

Incidentally, I checked my dictionary, and the first definition of "madam" indicates that it is used "without a name as a form of respectful or polite address to a woman."

DEAR ABBY: I would like to reply to "Not Guilty by Association," the young woman whose father is a racist. "My" racist is not a parent or a grandparent; it's my younger brother.

As children growing up in a racially mixed neighborhood, my brother and I didn't know what racism was. We had a large group of friends of various racial and ethnic backgrounds. Some of the adults became so close to us we called them "aunt" and "uncle." Our parents never made any callous remarks or disparaging judgments.

My younger brother recently visited my husband and me and offered to pick up our 5-year-old son from day care. When they returned, my son was in tears. He said "Uncle Matt" said he shouldn't play with "Amanda" anymore because her skin is a different color.

I was furious with Matt, and we have told him that he is welcome in our home in the future, but only if he leaves the racism outside. I refuse to allow him to impose his views on my innocent children, whom I'm raising to see beyond color, religious beliefs or ethnicity.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I feel it has a message that needs to be repeated until racism is a word that has to be looked up in a very, very old dictionary. -- SIBLING OF A BIGOT, NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR SIBLING: Your children are being raised to become the kind of citizens the world needs. I hope your brother learned something from the steadfast position you took. I, too, hope that racism is on its way to becoming obsolete.

THINK ABOUT IT: "If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed." (Kate Halverson)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A few years ago I lost my beautiful wife of 43 years. Her name was Bonnie Mae. I loved Bonnie more than I could ever express on paper, but because I was uncomfortable putting it into words, I seldom told her so.

There were several things Bonnie and I wanted to do and places we wanted to visit -- but somehow we always put them off until "next year," "next month" or some unspecified "later."

Unfortunately, life expectancy is not life assurance. After sitting at my wife's hospital bedside for 105 days, holding her hand and begging God not to take her from me, I suddenly found myself alone and experiencing searing regrets. I allowed the spoken endearments, the things to do and the shared adventures to be postponed until all I can do now is wail in anguish that those opportunities have been sealed off forever.

Readers, if you have someone you love dearly, please don't make the same mistakes I made. Tell her/him of your love often, and the things that you want to do and can afford to do -- do them now. Don't let that loved one slip away, your dreams unrealized because of procrastination, or you'll regret it bitterly the rest of your life, as I am doing now. -- GRIEVING FOR BONNIE MAE IN FLORIDA

DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my condolences on the loss of your beloved wife. I have a feeling that Bonnie Mae knew how much you loved her, and she wouldn't want you to live with so much regret and sadness.

Your letter reminds me of a poem I have printed from time to time, and which is in my "Keepers" booklet, a collection of favorite poems, essays and letters. Its message bears repeating. Read on:

THE TIME IS NOW

(Author Unknown)

If you are ever going to love me,

Love me now, while I can know

The sweet and tender feelings

Which from true affection flow.

Love me now

While I am living.

Do not wait until I'm gone

And then have it chiseled in marble,

Sweet words on ice-cold stone.

If you have tender thoughts of me,

Please tell me now.

If you wait until I am sleeping,

Never to awaken,

There will be death between us,

And I won't hear you then.

So, if you love me, even a little bit,

Let me know it while I am living

So I can treasure it.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and his longtime girlfriend are being married. They have one child -- a 3-year-old boy. I have two wedding etiquette questions.

Should photos of the "pre-existing" child be included in the wedding invitations? Also, when registering for bridal gifts at the local stores, should they include things the child can use as well? The little boy will be involved in his parents' wedding. -- WEDDING ROOKIE IN ARIZONA

DEAR WEDDING ROOKIE: It would be poor taste to include photos of the child (or the couple) in the wedding invitations. Also, this is a wedding, not a child's birthday party, so the happy couple should not register for children's gifts.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a single, 40-year-old woman who has recently moved to California. I am looking forward to family and friends coming to visit me, but I live in a one-bedroom apartment.

As I see it, I'm one person, and a couple is two, so I should sleep on the sofa. However, I spent two years as a student on a very tight budget sleeping on a futon in a tiny studio apartment -– and I'm fed up to here with sleeping anywhere other than in a bed.

I want my guests to be comfortable and feel welcome, but how should I handle the sleeping arrangements? -- CAREN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CAREN: You need not give up your own bed, and I'm sure your guests wouldn't expect you to.

You have several options. You could make reservations for your guests in a nearby hotel or motel. You could buy a sofa-sleeper (hide-a-bed). Or, you could rent a foldaway bed for the duration of the visits. Sweet dreams, Caren!

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter in your column from the teen-ager who tried "ruffies" prompts this letter.

Calling Rohypnol a "date rape" drug might lead males into believing that this dangerous drug does not apply to them. A more apt name for it might be an "amnesia" drug, because that is what the drug does to anyone.

My pal, Charles, dined alone one evening in a restaurant while on vacation in Mexico. Evidently, someone doctored his drink, because he ended up on the side of a road several miles away. All his personal belongings were missing –- including his belt and shoes. Luckily, he survived with only bruises and cuts, but he suffered a complete memory loss of more than 10 hours.

Abby, please warn your readers this drug has that effect on everyone, and they could be in extreme danger while under its influence. -- J.L. IN S.F.

DEAR J.L.: Thank you for pointing this out. I'm printing your letter as a word of caution to people who travel. You can't be too careful these days.

DEAR ABBY: My mother did a poor job of raising my brother and me. Now, at 32, I have a duty-based relationship with her. I have three children under 4, and I want to have a much better relationship with them. From my mother's example, I know what not to do; however, I don't have the role model to show me the right things to do. I have read parenting books, but there are so many different viewpoints that I don't know which would work for me.

I know there are many wonderful mothers out there, and I want to be one of them. What do great moms do that makes them great? I'd love to hear how women have excelled in this most important of jobs. -- MOM IN DENVER

DEAR MOM: Motherhood is two parts instinct to one part "book learning." Your instinctive desire to have a good relationship with your children will guide you in most situations. Look around you for women you consider to be good mothers and question them. Their experience is worth volumes, and they are usually happy to share their wisdom. That's part of what makes them good mothers.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.