DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Frustrated in Denver," I felt compelled to reply. The argument between the husband and wife centered around how to correctly wash flatware (spoons, forks, knives, etc.) in an automatic dishwasher. The husband insists the business end should face up, with the handles facing the bottom of the basket. The wife insists the opposite.

You told the wife, "Your husband is wrong." The fact is, Abby, you are wrong. I have a degree in food service administration and have worked in the field for 20 years. I can assure you that the states in which I have worked (New York, Texas and Virginia) have public health codes that require all food service establishments to wash soiled flatware as described by the husband in Denver.

By placing the "business end" of the utensil up, you get much cleaner flatware. My wife was skeptical until she proved it in our dishwasher at home. -- G.M. GASPER, SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR G.M.: The face with the egg on it is mine. I apologize for judging the poor husband harshly. However, according to the instruction manual for many dishwashers, my answer was half right. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You recently advised a couple that flatware should be placed with the handles up in the dishwasher.

The instruction guide for our new dishwasher says:

"Place items in the basket with some handles up and some down. This prevents them from nesting together and improves cleaning results. Knives or sharp, pointed items should be placed in the basket with the handles up." -- DIANA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR DIANA: Thank you for your support. I needed it! The number of food service professionals who disagreed with my answer was disconcerting. On the bright side -- it's nice to know that so many of them read my column.

DEAR ABBY: From time to time you print a letter about overcoming shyness. I would like to share some wonderful advice my mother gave me many years ago.

As a teen-ager, I was desperately shy and dreaded school parties and dances. One day my mother said to me, "You know, dear, being shy is really being selfish. You are spending too much time thinking, 'What kind of impression am I making? Am I saying the right thing? Do I fit in?' The next time you go to a party, instead of thinking about yourself, look for someone else who seems shy and make an effort to talk to that person."

It worked. However, my life didn't change overnight, and there are still times when I walk into a roomful of people and my heart pounds. But now instead of standing alone, I reach out to someone who is also alone. I've made some wonderful friends that way -- and I overcame my shyness. -- ROBIN SKONE-PALMER, LAS VEGAS

DEAR ROBIN: Your mother was not only wise, she had keen insight. I suspect she understood your shyness so well because she had experienced the same feelings in her youth. My compliments for sharing her wise counsel. I'm sure it will go a long way in resolving the problem for many people.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old female college student, and it saddens me to see what a big problem drugs and alcohol have become to the youth of today.

Seven years ago when I was 11, I, too, wanted to get high once, "just to see what it was like." Well, four years and one arrest, a long-term psychiatric hospitalization and $30,000 later, I finally admitted that I had a serious problem -- not to mention the pain and grief I caused my family.

I never intended to become an addict. Nobody does. I just wanted to try it because all the "cool" people did drugs, and I wanted to be "cool," too.

It has been three years since I've touched any drug, but it's still a daily struggle. I was very lucky to have received help. By the time I turned 15, I weighed 85 pounds and had more cocaine, methamphetamine, marijuana and alcohol in my blood than any human body should have been able to tolerate. Because of drugs, I have also had to bury three friends I used to "party" with.

Today, I'm doing wonderful things with my life and am proud of my accomplishments. Abby, if just one person who reads this will stop and think about what experimenting with drugs did to me, then everything I've been through will not have been in vain. -- OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN

DEAR OLDER, WISER AND CLEAN: I hope that other teens will take your painful and hard-earned lesson to heart. Nothing teaches as effectively as the voice of experience.

DEAR ABBY: Last summer I had a life-changing experience. I was watching a television program that featured a segment on obsessive-compulsive disorder. I didn't pay much attention until I heard a list of symptoms that characterize OCD.

I stopped dead in my tracks as I heard every detail of my own bizarre behavior (behavior I had hidden for years) described. After doing some research at my local library, I discovered that I, like millions of others, was not insane but suffering from a very common disorder. OCD is characterized by recurrent, unwanted and unpleasant thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive, ritualistic behaviors the person feels driven to perform (compulsions). Typical obsessions are dirt, germs and contamination; inordinate concern with order, arrangement or symmetry; inability to discard useless or worn-out items, etc. Typical compulsions include excessive washing (particularly hand washing or bathing); and repetitive actions such as counting, arranging and ordering or hoarding.

After seeing a psychiatrist, I was prescribed medication and started behavioral therapy. I now feel normal for the first time in my life. Please, Abby, publish the symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder, not only to increase awareness for those who are suffering and don't know why, but also for people who are close to someone who is suffering. People with OCD hide their behavior well. This disorder is still very much in the closet. -- BETTER IN BOSTON

DEAR BETTER: A recent Oscar-winning movie, "As Good As It Gets," was brought to my attention by The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation, a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the welfare of people with obsessive-compulsive disorder. The movie tells the story of a successful writer (played by Jack Nicholson) who is struggling with OCD. With as much publicity as the film is receiving, obsessive-compulsive disorder may gain new understanding from the general public.

The Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation can be reached by writing to P.O. Box 70, Milford, Conn. 06460-0070; e-mail: ocfinfo@juno.com.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious firstborn.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter (I'll call her "Alexis") is being married this year. She is planning a very large, expensive, fairy-tale wedding. Her father and I recently divorced after 29 years of marriage.

I have told Alexis and my ex-husband that I don't have a lot of money for this occasion because the divorce wiped out most of my savings. My daughter claims she doesn't want to hear it. I have offered to pay for her wedding gown. My ex insists that he expects me to pay for half the wedding, even if I have to take out a loan from him to do it.

I have tried to be upfront, but no one is listening. I'm 50 years old and need to save toward my retirement. I can't possibly afford to risk my entire future. Also, we have two more daughters -- so it's likely there will be more weddings in the future.

Please keep in mind that it won't be possible for me to volunteer to pay for only "my" invited guests. Almost everyone on the bride's side will be mutual friends and family both of my ex and myself.

Give me some desperately needed advice that won't hurt my daughter's feelings. I love Alexis very much and don't want to be responsible for spoiling a very special time in her life.

What are my responsibilities in this matter? -- NEEDS HELP IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEEDS HELP: It is extremely unwise to jeopardize your future for the sake of one day. I have always advised parents not to go into debt for a wedding. A wedding should be a gift from the parents, not an obligation.

Don't allow Alexis' unreasonable demands and those of your ex to intimidate you. Pay for what you can reasonably afford, and let your daughter adjust expenses accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: The letter signed "Examining Life in Ohio," from the woman who was married to a decent man but didn't consider him her "soul mate," prompts this letter.

I met my soul mate, and on our first date we both knew it. I figured it was the greatest love in the history of the world. I would have died for this man.

We were the perfect match! We had our ups and downs, and his family threw barbs at me every chance they got, but I withstood it because I knew I had his love.

So what happened? After 38 years, I finally admitted what I had been denying for decades (and he still denies): My husband is a more or less functioning alcoholic. He absolutely refuses help, and things are getting worse. The clues have been there for a long time.

Now I am envious of older couples enjoying their later years, while I live with a man who is dishonest and lies constantly. I cannot trust him. I dread holidays with our children and grandchildren. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of him. Not only do I no longer love him -- I don't even LIKE him.

A decent man in one's "golden years" must be wonderful. -- MARRIED PRINCE CHARMING

DEAR M.P.C.: You have my sympathy. Please do not allow yourself to remain submerged in your husband's alcohol problem.

If you haven't already done so, consider attending meetings of Al-Anon. The members are nonjudgmental and supportive. They offer first-hand experience to help you put your life back in order -- whether or not your husband chooses to admit his problem and sober up.

Al-Anon is worldwide, and you can locate a chapter by checking your telephone book.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)