DEAR ABBY: A year ago my son, "Jeff," married "Sue," a woman with three young children. They were living in a small apartment in an undesirable neighborhood, so I agreed to co-sign on a loan so they could buy a house in which to rear the children. The one they chose is 70 miles from me.

Abby, I have gone to see them only four times in the last 12 months. I make it a point to let them know the day before I am coming. The last time I went, Jeff refused to let me in. I heard Sue in the background yelling for him to tell me they had to go somewhere. Once he made the excuse that the house was untidy. Abby, I wasn't there to inspect the house. I just wanted to see them.

Sue doesn't appear to want any of our family to visit. Two of his uncles traveled 900 miles to see us and other relatives, but when they went to see Jeff, Sue took off with the kids. His uncles didn't even have the chance to meet her or the children.

They have visited me several times this year, without letting me know in advance that they were coming. That's OK with me; they're welcome any time.

I always treat Sue with respect and prepare dinner for them, although Sue never prepares anything for me when I'm there -- not even a cup of coffee.

Abby, Jeff is my only child, and we've always been close. Should I not go to visit my son because Sue is inconvenienced by my visits? Please advise me. -- UNWELCOME MOM IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNWELCOME MOM: It's time for you to have a private chat with your son, and when you do, ask him to please lay his cards on the table.

In the future, when you're planning to visit, make the arrangements with your daughter-in-law. That way, there should be no last-minute surprises.

DEAR ABBY: I have good news for the waitress who told you she had to give up on a college degree because "working full time and attending school was very hard. The hours were killing me."

In 1972, the state of New Jersey created a college for busy adults just like her: Thomas Edison State College. No matter where she lives, this woman can earn credit for what she already knows and take courses at home. The college is fully accredited, high quality and very affordable. There is no other college exclusively for adults throughout the United States and for military personnel around the world.

Abby, please let your readers know that there is no reason to give up on a college degree. No matter what the obstacles, we can help.

Please have your readers write to me for information about this unique, nonprofit college created just for them. The address is Thomas Edison State College, Admissions Office, 101 W. State St., Trenton, N.J. 08608-1176. I will personally send them a free booklet that explains how they can complete a degree at their own pace, in their own space, at a cost they can afford. The e-mail address is: admissions@call.tesc.edu. -- LINDA HOLT, ASSOCIATE VICE PRESIDENT, COLLEGE RELATIONS

DEAR MS. HOLT: Thank you for the information on what Thomas Edison State College has to offer. I am impressed that you have been helping students better themselves for a quarter century, and pleased to spread the word about your programs. Be prepared for lots of mail -- e-mail and otherwise!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law is a wonderful woman who has a severe weight problem. She's 50 years old and has no bad habits except for eating. She refuses to discuss diets and gets very upset when the subject is broached. She's beginning to experience signs of deteriorating health -- shortness of breath, chest tightness, extreme redness in her face when she's warm or upset, and she has painful back and knee problems. She has fallen down stairs because she was unable to see the steps.

Abby, she refuses to see a doctor, my brother tells me, because she knows a doctor will confront her about her weight. I suggested she should at least have her blood pressure taken at the local pharmacy. She ignores me.

I believe she needs psychological care. I can't bear to lose her, and I fear that she will die soon if she doesn't try to help herself. -- SCARED FOR MY SISTER-IN-LAW, IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR SCARED: Although some people use food the way junkies and alcoholics use drugs and alcohol, I know of no intervention program for people with life-threatening weight problems. Indeed, she may need psychological help in order to win her battle. However, unless she is willing to admit that she has a problem and takes steps to overcome it, there is nothing you or anyone else can do for her. She has my deepest sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: You asked for reader's input for the woman who had told her husband she had shared a bed with a male friend without "anything happening." Her husband, influenced by some buddies, didn't believe her.

I could write about the early American custom of "bundling," or point out that in many cultures families and guests share sleeping accommodations -- but that's really irrelevant to the main problem. Namely, the woman's husband believes his buddies and doubts his wife. I'd say THAT is a very serious problem.

This husband is judging something that happened not only before their marriage, but before they were even introduced. I can't help but wonder why the husband even told that story to his buddies, but the real question here is whom should he believe -- his wife or his buddies?

That woman's position should be: "Believe me, or call me a liar. If you believe me, then we need to see a marriage counselor about why you didn't trust me. And if you think I'm a liar, then we need to see a divorce lawyer." -- A MALE READER FROM OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR MALE READER: Thank you for taking the time to share a masculine point of view. It reminds me of a quotation I've known for many years: "A woman's virtue is like a fine painting. Once it's questioned, it's never quite the same."

DEAR ABBY: I think you should know how influential your column is.

I read the personals ads in magazines on a regular basis. Until recently, I'd spot an ad placed by a single woman who likes to fish only on rare occasions. Since the recent letter you printed suggesting that fishing might be a great way to meet an eligible man, almost every woman in the singles listings I've read has suddenly become a "fisherman." I hope I get the chance to meet some of these "anglers" while I'm out fishing this year! -- BILL GLATFELTER, MANCHESTER, N.H.

DEAR BILL: If you're eligible, I hope so, too. A successful advertisement of any kind needs a "hook" -- and something tells me the bait and tackle shops will be busy this spring. Although not everyone will catch a trophy, I'm hoping a good time will be had in the attempt.

Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing to pass on a simple idea that could save a lot of grief and heartache.

Like all parents, I make an extra effort to keep a close watch on our children whenever we are shopping or among crowds. However, even the most diligent among us has had an occasion when a child wandered off or got lost. There are no words to describe the panic a parent feels when this occurs. It is particularly true with preschool children who may be unable to articulate their parents' names, addresses or phone number -- especially under stressful conditions.

To minimize this trauma, I have begun putting my business card in our children's pockets before we go out. Each of them is instructed that it contains my name and to give it to a police officer or another responsible adult. I also explain that it will help the person find me sooner. Because they understand this, having the card helps them feel safer.

This does not substitute for careful observation of our children at all times, but if they do become lost, it provides additional information to ensure their swift and safe return. -- CONCERNED DAD IN BENICIA, CALIF.

DEAR CONCERNED DAD: An excellent idea and one that many parents would be wise to consider. However, it might be a good idea to put your home number on the card as well. Thanks for writing.

DEAR ABBY: I cannot let the letter from the hockey coach's wife go without a stronger reply than you gave -- and one in direct contradiction to your answer. You suggested that she and Al agree on the number of hours he would devote to his work with youngsters.

Abby, dear, have you read the recent statistics on the problems with kids today? (Of course you have.) They have little adult leadership and fewer role models who really give a darn. They NEED men and women who will give of their time and their hearts, and spouses who support and encourage them.

My husband died seven years ago. He had been a Boy Scout leader. For more than 20 years, he was Scoutmaster to dozens of boys, most long after our four sons had served their time as Scouts. Later he worked with adult training, helping other leaders to better serve the youth of our area. In all those years, he spent thousands of hours away from home, often on weekends at some faraway campground. He always returned renewed and happy, as was I to know that he was contributing to the future of our nation.

Today, all four of our sons continue their father's love of children. Each works with the Boy Scouts in the area in which he resides. I am proud of all five -- my sons and their dad.

More than 200 men he had helped train as kids and adults attended his funeral. My brother's comment afterward was, "At my funeral, I just want to be remembered as Frank Egan's brother-in-law." What a tribute!

Hockey wife should encourage her husband, not begrudge the time he gives to tomorrow's men. You may use my name. -- MARY V. EGAN, DALLAS

DEAR MARY: Your husband sounds like a wonderfully generous man whose legacy lives long after him. It's also clear that the relationship the two of you had was devoted and committed.

The coach's wife said that she felt her husband was using his work with the youngsters as a way of avoiding dealing with what is wrong in their marriage. Yes, I agree that donating time to better the community is important. But it's also important that the coach work out the couple's marital problems and not sacrifice his wife and family, who are his primary responsibility.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)